Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
So...this is going to be a long post (I think) and so I will apologize in advance for all of the reading you will have to do here.
So...my partner and I have been off-and-on for the last 3+ years.
I don't know how to really explain the two of us. We have an obvious connection, and most people that know us, pin as being "meant to be" and being "right for each other", but those that know us on the deeper level have this same notion...except, they know what kind of troubles we have too.
My partner is afraid...of commitment. She is scared of being in long-term relationships because of multiple things. Most of them are personal demons, the others are phobias that I have concluded come from her upbringing and what-not.
Like, she wants the comfort of that one stable person in a relationship...but she also has the bad habit to really like other people at the same time. She will only LOVE one...but will have multiple crushes that she says "lead her to temptation".
And this where it gets confusing...
She says she wants to be married...but she doesn't want to be tied down because of those said-crushes on other people. She wants a family/children, but at the same time doesn't want to be tied down with the responsibility of them because she wants to be a free-bird and not have any chains. she gets upset because she isnt getting any younger and all of her friends have found their soulmates and are having babies...and yet she is so scared of marriage because she has other fantasies that cannot be had in a committed relationship AND...gay marriage to her is just way too complicated. And yet, she thinks about marrying me all the time.
On the other hand...she wants a future where she is taken care of, but allowed to be independent at the same time. sometimes, when she is frustrated, she says that she might as well marry a man because things are less complicated this way and it's the quickest way to everything she wants...and that gets me really upset.
And here is the biggest thing...she has had affairs. Two in the 3+ years we have been together, and with different people. This is where most people would say I should leave her and never look back...but, I believe that these are things that can be worked out and patched...and now we get to my own demons and issues as well.
Taz is someone that I cannot let go of. I love her with all my heart, and even when we 'break up'...I remain intimate with her, continue to tell her I love her, and I literally just wait around for her to come running back to me so that we can get on with our lives. I have found that even when I try to find other people...I'm not satisfied with them like I am with Taz, they do not make me as happy, and honestly, if and when Taz were to ask me back out, I would drop that other person like a pin just to go running back to her.
Taz and I plan our every day lives around each other, even when we are not together...and we make sure the other is always taken care of, even when we are in the middle of fighting. We would do anything for each other, and yet...Taz still seems to think she is too complicated to hold our relationship together.
She says that doesnt want to say no to temptation until after she has fallen for it and then she feels guilt. she knows the people she likes will never love her back, but its her constant need for attention and affection that drives her like she is on a drug.
But, she refuses couple counseling and I have no ideas on how I might possibly get remedying this 'need' she has for other affections...if there even is a remedy for such a thing. I mean, why do you think she acts like this? do you think it's something she might grow out of? What advice do you have for strengthening our relationship (as we are currently together) so that we might not have to keep calling these breaks?
Again...I know it sounds silly as most people would just leave and get out of that relationship ASAP. But...I'm happy with her having my heart, and it's where I want to stay. So help, please?
So...my partner and I have been off-and-on for the last 3+ years.
I don't know how to really explain the two of us. We have an obvious connection, and most people that know us, pin as being "meant to be" and being "right for each other", but those that know us on the deeper level have this same notion...except, they know what kind of troubles we have too.
My partner is afraid...of commitment. She is scared of being in long-term relationships because of multiple things. Most of them are personal demons, the others are phobias that I have concluded come from her upbringing and what-not.
Like, she wants the comfort of that one stable person in a relationship...but she also has the bad habit to really like other people at the same time. She will only LOVE one...but will have multiple crushes that she says "lead her to temptation".
And this where it gets confusing...
She says she wants to be married...but she doesn't want to be tied down because of those said-crushes on other people. She wants a family/children, but at the same time doesn't want to be tied down with the responsibility of them because she wants to be a free-bird and not have any chains. she gets upset because she isnt getting any younger and all of her friends have found their soulmates and are having babies...and yet she is so scared of marriage because she has other fantasies that cannot be had in a committed relationship AND...gay marriage to her is just way too complicated. And yet, she thinks about marrying me all the time.
On the other hand...she wants a future where she is taken care of, but allowed to be independent at the same time. sometimes, when she is frustrated, she says that she might as well marry a man because things are less complicated this way and it's the quickest way to everything she wants...and that gets me really upset.
And here is the biggest thing...she has had affairs. Two in the 3+ years we have been together, and with different people. This is where most people would say I should leave her and never look back...but, I believe that these are things that can be worked out and patched...and now we get to my own demons and issues as well.
Taz is someone that I cannot let go of. I love her with all my heart, and even when we 'break up'...I remain intimate with her, continue to tell her I love her, and I literally just wait around for her to come running back to me so that we can get on with our lives. I have found that even when I try to find other people...I'm not satisfied with them like I am with Taz, they do not make me as happy, and honestly, if and when Taz were to ask me back out, I would drop that other person like a pin just to go running back to her.
Taz and I plan our every day lives around each other, even when we are not together...and we make sure the other is always taken care of, even when we are in the middle of fighting. We would do anything for each other, and yet...Taz still seems to think she is too complicated to hold our relationship together.
She says that doesnt want to say no to temptation until after she has fallen for it and then she feels guilt. she knows the people she likes will never love her back, but its her constant need for attention and affection that drives her like she is on a drug.
But, she refuses couple counseling and I have no ideas on how I might possibly get remedying this 'need' she has for other affections...if there even is a remedy for such a thing. I mean, why do you think she acts like this? do you think it's something she might grow out of? What advice do you have for strengthening our relationship (as we are currently together) so that we might not have to keep calling these breaks?
Again...I know it sounds silly as most people would just leave and get out of that relationship ASAP. But...I'm happy with her having my heart, and it's where I want to stay. So help, please?
I dont know.... All i have is a "big hug" for u... Im sorry u are in this situation... Its way complicating and hard to deal with...
(((hugss)))
sorry.. I dont have anything to say.. I would have said couple councelling but u said she doesnt want to go...
Just an hour ago i was a bit frustrated.. Sick of the same bloody sad situation i get myself into...
Now reading your post.. Makes me feel...
Even happiness doesnt come alone...
Thanks for the post....
As for how I breathe, even I wonder that sometimes. I mean, it's not like I am completely miserable, in fact, I'm generally the opposite. Being with my partner makes me feel whole and happy, but, when shit hits the fan and we go through our time apart, I feel like my whole world has shattered and I'm stuck in this hole that was dug way too deep...and yet, I cannot stop myself from going back to her because my heart aches and wants to be with her more than anything, no matter the situation.
But, glad that I could help you out :)
Thanks for the hugs.
Are you prepared to love her and care for her despite her tendency? NOT what our society says is right but what YOU can live with.
Then again, if you two bring children into this mess...that's another story. Then you have their well being to think of.
The fact that she gets crushes on others is hurtful, I can imagine. I feel if she really Loved you, like the kind of love one would have to marry someone, she wouldn't need anyone else. We don't marry to be taken care of...we marry to take care of the other..and in turn...they take care of us. This way both are being cared for. We give up our independence to become ONE. And the other....encourages us to keep some of our independence because they love us....and visa versa.
As for her sleeping with others......to be honest.....I LOVE MY PARTNER MORE THEN ANYONE OR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!!! But....on some issues we have a difference of opinion and are in different places in our growth...life. Some things she sees as cheating and other things I see as cheating. I would never leave her....but...have met up with other women at times to explore...feel free...meet a need I have. They have always known that I am in a relationship and seek nothing in that regard from them. It is a moment of pure lust and sex. They crave my body in a way that she dousn't since we met. Don't get me wrong....our sex life is active, lively, and passionet. But....she sorta has gotten use to me. Thats how she is. And it does feel good to have someone crave to see my breasts and to tough them, etc. To have someone take me in a wild and hungry way! Do I wish she could keep that alive in her like I have kept it alive for me, with her. Ya....but that isn't her. Like she use to slam me up against a wall and just "take me"....not so much anymore. These other women I have been with, do that. And then it is over and there is no drama...no issues...just that. Does it feel wrong....sometimes...if she found out would she be heart broken and not approve...probably. But it is just something I need to feel in control of my life and free to be me. With out it.....I get crabby, not as funny, and disgruntled with my life. Maybe it is because of my past and not being free to full fill this part of me...I don't know. But when I stop our relationship dousn't work well...because I am not as happy and carefree and she begins to loose interest. When I continue...she seems to want me more and fight more for me. Weird...I know. Something about it makes me more appealing to her......even though she dousn't know any of it goes on. Maybe I change and put out a different energy that makes me seem less like she "has me".
So in terms of your situation.....because you KNOW she does it....that makes it hurtful and hard to live with.
I hear that she wants you to make sure she always has someone and to be taken care of but wants to be free to try new things.
SO AGAIN....WHAT DO YOU WANt?????
I don't like her sleeping with other people though...and she does it because, like you, she feels like she has this need that I cannot meet. I mean, I think that if we could come to this mutual decision that she could sleep with other people if she felt that need, then okay. But, it will always hurt me, and the fact that she takes this a little too far (starts telling these people that she loves them and etc) is what makes it worse.
I feel like you have given me a lot of help by explaining your situation though. I feel like, if we start to have issues again, I might be able to propose an option that might work for the both of us.
All I know is that I do love her...I would love to marry her. But, sometimes things just become too complicated for her and she would rather just see me and act like a couple without the title so that she can be free. Me on the other hand...I love commitment and long-term deals. So we have a bit of differences there and it sometimes causes us issues. As of right now we are working it out though, things are pulling together for us and what-not.
So who knows. We will see where things take us.
But thank you for the reply.
So im sorry... But in my opinion,
Nobody deserves to be cheated on..... Its just pain ful and wrong :-/
But...for some odd reason, I'm just not strong enough to not go running back if something like that happens. My partner makes me feel too happy and too whole when we arent having small issues.
But I don't mind you speaking your opinion, so no need to apologize.
People just under-estimate their self.. If you were not strong enough, U wouldnt have been putting up to this... U have strength... But u need to use the strength in right and positive manner..
I just think, u need to give yourself some credit too.. And u need to love yourself and love your wishes as well... Its not something u demanded which is wrong...? Or which is overrated.... U r just like everyone else, demanding some love and loyalty... But nonetheless, for love u r sacrificing your right to have your partner's loyalty.