Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
I was married twice to men who were/are not committed to being fathers (relationship with me aside).
At least the first man admitted that. Creepy as that was, but, whatever. He literally signed his rights away to his children and then sent letters and emails saying he wanted nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, he also bounced into their lives, but now he is out, and out is where is going to stay.
Second man is much more of a creep. Not only is he a horrible father, he was a horrible and abusive step-father and a very abusive husband as well. In addition to that, he also wanted an "open marriage." Why? Because he was bi-sexual and wanted to have sex with men AND he liked the idea of watching me have sex with men and women.
I was raised Catholic and hated this idea. However, shortly into our relationship, I found myself with a debilitating illness and completely dependent on him. At the time, no one had any idea what was wrong with me. We went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out why I was falling all over the place, had no balance and why my body was making weird movements. I went from being a totally free-spirited, independent woman to being in a wheelchair and dependent on my husband. I became severely depressed. I also was being treated with neurological medications I later found out I didn't need.
In any case, he didn't hold a gun to my head or anything, but I did give in to his nagging for an open marriage. I needed to get drunk first, but we did it. Afterward, I told him I felt like we "broke our vows." He told me that, now that we had done it, he saw our lives differently and wanted more. It became all he thought about. Long story short, after I woke up in a motel room under a strange man with my husband watching (they had had sex in the car first), unable to fight back, I knew I had to run. I packed up my kids and my family got me out of there and took me back to their place.
I did leave out this detail: While I was being treated for this "mysterious illness" I was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. The first time, I tested positive for methamphetamines and I was told I one of the reasons I "wasn't getting better" was because I "didn't admit that I had a problem with speed." I tell you all with a clear conscious, I had never KNOWINGLY done any drug with my ex but pot, so what does that mean? Also, while I was there, I kept getting my dizzy attacks and I kept telling the doctors something was wrong with me. When I did, I was shot up with Ativan and jumped by orderlies. ONE neurologist did tell me he believed something was wrong with me. Talk about a mindyouknowwhat...
Anyway...at my mother's, I SWORE I was DONE with relationships. And I meant it. I had way too much on my plate. I had an older teenage girl with Asperger's who was going through her own stuff, a younger teenager and an elementary-age girl whose father was the abusive one and didn't want to pay child support. No one needed to get involved with that nonsense.
Enter facebook. I make my profile and type in my best friend's name from jr. high. I knew she was a lesbian and, the last time we had talked, she was in a long-term relationship that seemed a little "off." Still, I missed her. We were such good friends.
She pops up and I "friend" her. We play games. Give each other virtual gifts. Before long, we exchange phone numbers.
We talk. It's as if the years have melted. I spill my life to her. She tells me she has been in another long-term relationship that has been on the rocks for years. Weird, but I feel chemistry through the phone. And I'm not gay. What the hell???
We decide to meet. She pulls up and as soon as I see her, a thrill shoots throughout my body. I can't believe how beautiful she is. Excuse me, I remind myself, you were born straight...AND she's in a relationship. I kiss her hello. I kiss ALL my friends hello...
We talk a lot, but we have trouble looking at each other at the diner. We know...we shouldn't know. Back in the car, we go to kiss goodnight, and it turns into a whole different kind of kiss..."we're in trouble," I say to her. She goes home and breaks up with her partner of 11 years.
I'm furious. Not because I'm not interested, but because I don't want to hurt her. I spend the next two months taking her heart and wiping the floor with it. Not on purpose. I guess because, in my efforts to NOT hurt her, I test the boundaries, see she's not going anywhere, and decide she's a keeper.
She's helped me tremendously, getting me the right medical care. We've found out what my "mysterious" illness is, and, while it's not so "mysterious," it's a pain in the ass. I have a vestibular disorder. (I am in that support group as well)
I help her, too. She has anger issues, from things that have happened in her childhood. Another post some day. My children and I are not in danger or anything. All bark, no bite.
The committment she's made to this family is overwhelming. I can't believe it. To me, it's too much. Especially because my own family has given up for the most part. But she's seen beyond the darkness; she remembers the "old" me. She hopes for the best. For that, I am forever grateful.
Thanks for however much you've read :)
At least the first man admitted that. Creepy as that was, but, whatever. He literally signed his rights away to his children and then sent letters and emails saying he wanted nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, he also bounced into their lives, but now he is out, and out is where is going to stay.
Second man is much more of a creep. Not only is he a horrible father, he was a horrible and abusive step-father and a very abusive husband as well. In addition to that, he also wanted an "open marriage." Why? Because he was bi-sexual and wanted to have sex with men AND he liked the idea of watching me have sex with men and women.
I was raised Catholic and hated this idea. However, shortly into our relationship, I found myself with a debilitating illness and completely dependent on him. At the time, no one had any idea what was wrong with me. We went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out why I was falling all over the place, had no balance and why my body was making weird movements. I went from being a totally free-spirited, independent woman to being in a wheelchair and dependent on my husband. I became severely depressed. I also was being treated with neurological medications I later found out I didn't need.
In any case, he didn't hold a gun to my head or anything, but I did give in to his nagging for an open marriage. I needed to get drunk first, but we did it. Afterward, I told him I felt like we "broke our vows." He told me that, now that we had done it, he saw our lives differently and wanted more. It became all he thought about. Long story short, after I woke up in a motel room under a strange man with my husband watching (they had had sex in the car first), unable to fight back, I knew I had to run. I packed up my kids and my family got me out of there and took me back to their place.
I did leave out this detail: While I was being treated for this "mysterious illness" I was hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. The first time, I tested positive for methamphetamines and I was told I one of the reasons I "wasn't getting better" was because I "didn't admit that I had a problem with speed." I tell you all with a clear conscious, I had never KNOWINGLY done any drug with my ex but pot, so what does that mean? Also, while I was there, I kept getting my dizzy attacks and I kept telling the doctors something was wrong with me. When I did, I was shot up with Ativan and jumped by orderlies. ONE neurologist did tell me he believed something was wrong with me. Talk about a mindyouknowwhat...
Anyway...at my mother's, I SWORE I was DONE with relationships. And I meant it. I had way too much on my plate. I had an older teenage girl with Asperger's who was going through her own stuff, a younger teenager and an elementary-age girl whose father was the abusive one and didn't want to pay child support. No one needed to get involved with that nonsense.
Enter facebook. I make my profile and type in my best friend's name from jr. high. I knew she was a lesbian and, the last time we had talked, she was in a long-term relationship that seemed a little "off." Still, I missed her. We were such good friends.
She pops up and I "friend" her. We play games. Give each other virtual gifts. Before long, we exchange phone numbers.
We talk. It's as if the years have melted. I spill my life to her. She tells me she has been in another long-term relationship that has been on the rocks for years. Weird, but I feel chemistry through the phone. And I'm not gay. What the hell???
We decide to meet. She pulls up and as soon as I see her, a thrill shoots throughout my body. I can't believe how beautiful she is. Excuse me, I remind myself, you were born straight...AND she's in a relationship. I kiss her hello. I kiss ALL my friends hello...
We talk a lot, but we have trouble looking at each other at the diner. We know...we shouldn't know. Back in the car, we go to kiss goodnight, and it turns into a whole different kind of kiss..."we're in trouble," I say to her. She goes home and breaks up with her partner of 11 years.
I'm furious. Not because I'm not interested, but because I don't want to hurt her. I spend the next two months taking her heart and wiping the floor with it. Not on purpose. I guess because, in my efforts to NOT hurt her, I test the boundaries, see she's not going anywhere, and decide she's a keeper.
She's helped me tremendously, getting me the right medical care. We've found out what my "mysterious" illness is, and, while it's not so "mysterious," it's a pain in the ass. I have a vestibular disorder. (I am in that support group as well)
I help her, too. She has anger issues, from things that have happened in her childhood. Another post some day. My children and I are not in danger or anything. All bark, no bite.
The committment she's made to this family is overwhelming. I can't believe it. To me, it's too much. Especially because my own family has given up for the most part. But she's seen beyond the darkness; she remembers the "old" me. She hopes for the best. For that, I am forever grateful.
Thanks for however much you've read :)
The reason I have been here, in general, though, is because I am new to being in a same-sex relationship and, while I find it to be the most loving and satisfying relationship I have ever been in, I feel so chopped off from the rest of the world. I was glad to find somewhere to finally talk about the different challenges of our relationship.
I have tried other LGBT sites and, so often, they turned out to only be a forum for people to look for potential partners. While I understand that it's bound to happen, that people WILL hook up, I'm glad that that is not the ONLY function of this place and that actual SUPPORT happens here as well.
In response to dreamsicle: no, I'm not mopping up the floor with her heart...lol. And I exaggerated a LOT. We joke about it all the time :) I just didn't know what I wanted. And, I knew my family would be mean to her. They HATE her, and I HATE that. (sigh)
Anyone deal with that? Rejection from family? Friends?
Thanks everyone, just for being there.
But what it comes down to is your family - your nuclear family. You, your partner, and those kiddos. That's what matters at the end of the day, and everything else is just peripheral.
When I came out I found soooo much support in my family it was actually ridiculous! lol....Only one who turned was the one I thought least likely to do so, my sister. She cut mr off from her boys, would call me and harrass me (i was hospitalized at the time for depression), tell me the only thing I needed to do was stop being queer. Her husband came to the hospital and almost got arrested.
My partner at the time who was terrified of coming out, found complete support from everyone. So the only non-support was from my sister. I worked in a warehouse at the time (first woman to do that), and the guys would put the fold out playboy pics of naked women under the women's bathroom (was a room with a single toilet)., until they realized I was taking them and "painting" the walls with pictures of beautiful women. I loved that bathroom! lmao...
In the end, I was glad for coming out. Life became a lot less complicated, and a lot less stressful. My family loved my partner and were devasted when we broke up. Even my sister. I recently was reunited with her boys, who spoke to me about having only recently found out what had happened between her and me. They were ripped apart. They loved spending time with me and barb, on weekends and that suddenly stopped for them.
For myself, in the end, I would do it all over again. I loved the freedom on not "lying" to people, that made it all worth it to me. Honesty is soooo important to me and "acting" straight was just not cutting it for me. I wish you good luck and hope it all works for you.