Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
So before i got with my girlfriend a few years ago, i was with someone who was mostly a "femme in the sheets" type of girl which was fine but it didnt work out as i needed some attention as well after awhile and she just couldnt handle it and i didnt want to push her. We just kind of dissolved. We still talk and what not but this isnt the issue.
Now im with my current gf and she basically stated that she was mostly "butch in the sheets" sort of way. Which is just fine with me with certain things i could do. Like rub her clit. I do miss fully taking but even THAT is not the issue. I could still live with that, i enjoy just making her quiver which i can do other things.
My issue is rarely having sex. Or starting to than just not. And she usually pulls away. This leaves me feeling many things.
Am i not good enough?
Did something happen?
Am i not valid?
It makes me feel empty. I confronted her about it about 3 years ago, and i learned about her sexual history that shes dealing with. Well she didnt technically start trying to heal until this year, before she was just repressing it all. But in the meantime it hurts me. And i dont want to be all like "boohoo im not having sex" but sex to me is more than just a fuck. Its an intimate connection. And when something starts up, then she pulls away its like she is just ripping a huge piece of tape off of my soul like tape is ripped off of your skin. It hurts emotionally, and if it had gotten far enough, physically because of being unable to have "release" below.
For awhile i just "took care of myself" after she pulled away. But now a days its just making me feel even worse and even more empty. My body just started to shove her away naturally because i cant trust it anymore. And i feel like its not fair because she is trying. But when ever i think about sex anymore i start getting anxiety attacks and i totally shut down.
The thing is i love her and want to make it work. But after years of emotionally being silently ripped apart during sex im terrified. Im terrified to even try to get close to her anymore. And even if we did break up i feel like it will follow me. Just even thinking about getting turned on gives me anxiety.
Its like being raped, but not. Because nothing ever happens. So i dont even know how to describe it. I know of tue lesbian death bed. But we hardly even had a sex life. It was mostly just friends with light benifits. And now i feel like im dug too deep. I can't just toss her away, and even if i did i couldnt be able to trust anyone else that might even want to try to be with me.
I dont know what to do anymore. Ive talked to her about it and she asks all these questions that make my stomach drop cause i dont know the answers to. I just am so lost as to what to do anymore.
And at first she didnt realize what she was doing to me. Im still not sure if she understands. I just dont know how to explain it more than what iv put here.
I care about her. I know she somehow cares about me in what ever way. I cant just up and leave because its not in my personality. But i just dont know how much more i can handle.
And i know im not easy to deal with cause i dont handle things very well. I go from 0 to 100 in seconds depending on what buttons are pushed. So i know if anything im the abuser. She should probably dump me. I just dont know what to do.
I cry, yell, go silent, glare etc etc.
And when i actually want physical attention anymore i try to play fight just to get something from her, to provoke her. Just to feel something from her. I know thats probably a form of abuse, but i just need to feel anything now a days. Even if she were to punch me. Something would feel better than nothing. But even then she refuses anything. And my chest feels like its going to explode because i feel so alone. And im to afraid to be close to ANYONE anymore.
So i feel dead. I feel unworthy. I feel like she would be better off with out me Because im an abuser. And i feel like when ever sex has happened before i pushed her into it because i needed something. And i stopped doing that now and tried to let her come to me which has resulted in nothing. And then after fights between us of me telling her how i feel, she tries and i push away and i just feel like one major fuck up.
It's perfectly natural on your part to be terrified of sex with her now, because it only means you will be rejected by her, and who needs constant rejection?
Trust me. I was in a situation like this, and once I left, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I have never looked back, and I have the hottest and most amazing sex with my now partner all the time.
If you are really invested in this relationship, ask her if she will receive counseling for her issues, and attend couples/sex therapy counseling with you. If she is unwilling, leave. You won't regret it in the long run.