Queer is a strange word to use....you are gay not queer. You are who you are. You are who God made you to be. Society may dictate that your sexuality is not normal, but not God.

I have chronic illness and the love of my life has taught me a lot this year about attitude. Has your condition made you disabled, or do you have active episodes and then times when you are more able? Do you act and think like a disabled person or do you live life to the full. I have learnt that life is short and you are a long time dead. You can sit and say poor me and retire to bed and be miserable and make everybody around you miserable or you can make the active choice to live life to the very best of your ability. Rest when you have to rest. But do what you can when you can. You may not feel like it. There are times I just want to turn over in bed in the morning and go back to sleep...not get up and go to work. But my girl has taught me that you can be miserable and be sorry for yourself or you can suck it up, go to work. You will be miserable whereever you are but at the end of the day you will have earned your living, achieved something...even if the work is to get yourself up out of bed and into the living room. I do not know your circumstances but I know that changing my attitude has resulted in both my carer, my lover and my community to notice a huge difference in me.

My advice...look at yourself and your own attitudes and what you can or may be able to change before looking to those around you. Your best way of looking after your partner is by changing what you do have influence over.....that is within yourself even if you cannot change your health status.

I hope this makes sense

Ditto to Michelle-very wise advice. I might also add that perhaps you can get some in-home help to give your partner a break from time to time. Are you eligible for help from the state? As far as your family goes, in my experience, you can't make anyone feel differently. The best you can do is to let go of wanting a certain result and just be yourself. Try to not be attached to their reaction to your relationship. Sometimes families don't like partners, be they straight or gay. It is tricky balancing our lovelives with our families but it seems to work better if you don't push it in the face but just be natural with it. Hope I made sense. Wishing you the best...

hi michelle,

thank you for your thoughtful response. and i don't mean to offend by using the word queer. i never thought about it as a negative word really plus i went to a very gay friendly womens college and live in a town that has lgbtq stuff everywhere, not wanting to leave anyone out of anything!

my ms is very strange and i don't look sick at all, unless you knew me before. my two main problems and they are the reason i'm on disability are cognitive problems and fatigue. because i've been on chemo for the ms and other off label drugs i've developed other problems like the shingles. and of course almost everyone w. ms has urinary problems so that and sometimes very tiny seizures. but i drive, have not had a relapse in at least 6 years so i think i probably have secondary progressive ms now. no new lesions in years and years, no attacks, just getting worse very slowly.

c. and i were together for just a few months and then i got really sick. eventually i got well enough to go back to work, for a few years. that was 11 years ago. in the beginning i did live my life to the fullest. and i was fighting my ms hard. but i think now we're both tired. and i do think i might act disabled or not nearly as motivated as i once was. not taking the extra step, which i never had to think about. but i'm glad you asked that question. i was never really woe is me. i was more if not me who? if not now when? i also got sick exactly one year after my father who i was close with died. he was never woe is me though he was young and pancreatic cancer is almost always terminal.

you know, i do need to push myself. i guess it's easy to get comfortable. and after years and her help i am standing up to my family. we just want a little respect and wrote a letter to my family saying so because anything we've said in the past falls on deaf ears. my family has not contacted me in three months since the letter. that's big - i'm an only child. but it's the right thing for us. the most important thing you said (right now at least) is looking at what changes i have influence over. for my sake. and hers.

i hope i didn't ramble to much. thanks you so much. -nadine

hi topaztrucker,

i also wanted to thank you for your response. and i know how true what you said about families not liking partners in general is. thanks for reminding me of that!

and letting go of wanting a certain result. that makes me think that before i got sick if i wanted a certain result i got it, be it school or work. but it just doesn't work like that in the real world, does it? especially with families. i've always been myself which has always been the problem. but you know, it's just not my problem anymore.

oh and i appreciate you mentioning help for my partner. i don't have physical challenges that much from the ms and i probably could get assistance from the state. i'm on medicaid. but it's funny because i'm actually at her mom's house right now and have been for 3 months to give her a break! i didn't want to go but next time i am not questioning her. it's been good for everyone! people don't understand that even though i look fine and am not in a wheelchair i forget my phone number, i have short term memory problems, i can't remember if i've taken my pills, i can't problem solve like i used to, etc.

you totally make sense. nadine