Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hi Everyone:) Thankyou for reading my post!
I would love your advice on my sitch:
I am in a new relationship with a single mother of 2 teenagers.
Her 18 year old son lives with his dad, and her daughter recently moved back in with her full time.
Her daughter is naturally unsettled and my gf is doing everything she can to help her and provide her with structure and support.
I have never been with a partner who has kids and I am trying to get used to the idea that I dont come first, and the stress that teenagers bring.
I figure that I cant rely on Tia too much to support me, because she is the one who needs support. So do I rely on my friends and family for my support, (I get really stressed as a result of ptsd, and am doing uni and work as well) and give myself time out so that I can be there for her so that she can be there for her daughter? Is that how it works?
I recently became so burnt out so I am having a few days on my own just to chill and recharge my battery and that is working for me is that healthy do u think? I know that I am not the coparent, and its no good for me to be enforcing any authority lol
ps we dont live together, we are both uni students and working as well and it is a new relationship:)
I look forward to hearing from you!
I would love your advice on my sitch:
I am in a new relationship with a single mother of 2 teenagers.
Her 18 year old son lives with his dad, and her daughter recently moved back in with her full time.
Her daughter is naturally unsettled and my gf is doing everything she can to help her and provide her with structure and support.
I have never been with a partner who has kids and I am trying to get used to the idea that I dont come first, and the stress that teenagers bring.
I figure that I cant rely on Tia too much to support me, because she is the one who needs support. So do I rely on my friends and family for my support, (I get really stressed as a result of ptsd, and am doing uni and work as well) and give myself time out so that I can be there for her so that she can be there for her daughter? Is that how it works?
I recently became so burnt out so I am having a few days on my own just to chill and recharge my battery and that is working for me is that healthy do u think? I know that I am not the coparent, and its no good for me to be enforcing any authority lol
ps we dont live together, we are both uni students and working as well and it is a new relationship:)
I look forward to hearing from you!
I can only speak from my own experience... When my last relationship began, my partner had had 5 children, 2 of whom were still living at home. When the oldest of the two graduated from high school, my partner wanted me to move it. I was hesitant because I felt the youngest, K, had been somewhat neglected due to her older sister's flair for drama, which always seemed to make my partner pay more attention to her. I told my partner that now that the older sister had graduated from high school and was out of the house, K might need her all to herself for a while. My partner, however, assured me this was not the case. I finally moved in. K was 13 at the time.
I began as a co-parent, but over time became the sole parent as my partner became oblivious to any type of parenting. K was a typical adolescent who became an extremely interesting teenager. She did not like boundaries (having had none before) and often rebelled --- screamed and yelled, left the house to walk about the subdivision in which we lived, etc.... Even after my relationship was essentially over with her mother, I remained in the house and in the relationship to provide stability for K until she graduated from high school and began to think of what she wanted to do with herself. I'm proud to say, that today, at 25, she is an intelligent, free-thinking individual who is totally her own person. She has told me a number of times that I was more of a mom to her than her own mom, which makes me smile and believe I did something right.
Now, as to your situation. I can say this...When a child is part of the household, he/she is often the priority (or should be). However, if the relationship between you and your partner is not nurtured, the child will ultimately suffer. I believe this to be the case regardless of whether you are living with your partner or not.
As for support --- yes, family and friends can provide some support, but you must also have support from your partner. It sounds to me that you are doing all the supporting within the relationship. This may not be the case in reality, but as I read your post, that's what I gathered. Time alone is good and provides an opportunity to recharge and reduce stress. However, you should also feel supported by your partner.
If you do decide to move in together, a decision must be made and clarified with the child regarding your role in his/her life. And, you should have a role. It would also be good for you and your partner to do things from time to time that include the child. My partner and I did a number of things to include K prior to, and after, I moved in and it was made quite clear that I had just as much authority in the house as her mom. In my situation, I also worked to establish a relationship with K, seperate from the one I shared with her mom. After I'd been living there about a year, K and I would have a special night of the week that was just ours, which usually meant going out to dinner to hang out and talk about whatever --- school, friends, her sisters (3 older sisters), and eventually boys. I believe this goes a long way in helping the child to adjust to the situation and make him/her feel part of a family, which is essentially what you would be creating by moving in with your partner.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I do hope so. Good luck.
One final thing I can say --- there's nothing more rewarding, in my opinion, than making a difference in the life of a child.