Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3 and have triplets that are 14 months old. We went to our first counselling session yesterday and I am now more hurt and confused than I’ve ever been.
We have always bickered, as I think most people do but we were in love and extremely committed to each other. When we started the process of false insemination things started declining between us. Systematically I was pushed aside and operated somewhere in the periphery of our life. I am very present in my children’s lives and the marriage. Validating my wife through her weight loss struggles, telling her she is beautiful, sharing the load of our children. I have continuously addressed my issues, verbalizing what I needed from the relationship. These things were simple, some affection, not being made to feel like the ‘husband’ and acknowledgment in the relationship. These arguments became weekly and always I asked for the same things, having to repeat them so often I felt ashamed for needing anything at all. I finally snapped and forced her to join me at counselling where she admitted that her head is so full of body issues and our children that she doesn’t even have space in her brain for me. She said her brain is so full that she thinks she put me and our relationship in a box and pushed us out but that She loves me and that I am the love of her life.
I thought I could forgive her if things changed but now I don’t know. I feel so devastated that somebody who professes to love me could put me in a box and just exorcise me. For years when I discussed my feelings about our relationship I was told I’m wrong, that I am a priority but now I find out I was right all along. My self-esteem was shot to pieces for so long that I thought wanting somebody to hold my hand for no reason made me stupid.
She keeps telling me she loves me and that she is finally listening because she understands I am close to leaving her. She admitted to not listening to my other threats because I haven’t followed through. Why would she only listen to me now? How little do I mean to her that my pain was ignored because I ‘wouldn’t follow through’. I feel humiliated that I have allowed somebody to make me their door mat.
I can’t help but wonder if she is just staying with me because a separation would be too hard and she doesn’t cope well with change. On the other side I don’t know if I can trust or forgive her.
My wife and I have been married 4 years and together 7. There was a time when we both neglected our relationship because "life" got in the way. While we don't have children as yet, we are guilty of allowing our careers to get ahead of us to a point where we revolved around them. When you have children your attention and responsibility rightfully turns to them. However, it is important not to lose sight of how your children were brought into existence (thru love and friendship). In relationships people tend to lose sight of themselves and of the fact that it is important to be friends before anything. We were able to bounce back by agreeing to also make us a priority. We initiated date nights monthly, committed to mini getaways twice a year and vacations for a week every two years. This helped us get back on track. It isn't easy hearing the truth however it sounds like it was important that you hear what your wife was feeling. Though it hurts, it was necessary so that you both could begin the healing processes. She sounds like she genuinely loves and cares about you so perhaps you can give things a slow steady start. I hope this helps.