This post will be all over the place. I'm sorry. I just can't think straight right now. And its super long as you can tell....sorry.

So we just realized about a year ago my (now) ex was asexual. It wasnt really a concept either of us knew anything about or ever thought of. I just always figured I kept doing something wrong. I need to have sex to feel a deeper relationship than just "friends", and she finds it pointless. Before I always tried to be more for her and try new things. Then when we found out I was relieved that it wasnt something I was doing. But realized that there was nothing I COULD do for her to want that connection. 

From there she has proceeded to call me a whore twice and have implied it other times because she felt bad about herself and hated that, that was my views for a relationship. So "why couldn't I just be happy and feel connetions without sex?" Because "there's more to a relationship than just sex."

And I get that, and I agree. I can feel connected without sex. Its just sometimes I want and need more of a connection. Once every 3 months after breaking down crying because I feel unwanted just doesn't cut it for me. I genuinely want to be wanted. I know that's selfish. And maybe I am a whore for wanted it like once a week.

I was with her for 7 years. I stayed with her cause I kept making excuses. Like I said, I kept feeling like it was my fault. Or just that life got in our way. (She had been taking care of 2 sick parents. So I figured she was just tired from that all the time because it was a lot of work. I lived with her 1/3-1/2 of the year(we live in the same town, but I knew the only way that we could be together was if I had been with her as she took care of them). I was over at their house so much and for close to the family and saw how much work it was.) Then when I was at my place she was over a couple of nights before going back to her place.

4 years ago her father died of stomach cancer. 

And since last december its been touch and go with her family since her mother progressively kept getting sicker and sicker. To which she died in may of just her body shutting down.

I started to feel pressured into staying with her from last fall. I didn't want to just drop her because I knew she needed me. And I was close to her family. From February to may she was in amd out(mostly in, only 8 days out.) the 4 different hospitals we have here in town. I spent the nights there about 4 times a week. One time as she was transfering to a different hospital in the ICU, my ex wanted me up there even though only 2 people were allowed to be up there at once. While her sister was up there as well. And the waiting room was full to the brim. I was able to find a meeting room that was free to use and slept under the table (the lights would come on if there was movement. And no way of turning that feature off.)

But then I started to feel myself to get really clingy and felt guilty because i knew it would be better if I was out of the picture so she could do what she needed for her mom with what little time she had left.

April I broke up with her. But I didn't want to stay away because I did care about her mom.

But to get to the main point. She doesnt want to let me go. 

She says She loves me and wants to be with me. I say we arent together. But she still wants to be friends. Which, I know is a bad idea. Because even though she says she wants to be with me, then her actions show otherwise. And this isn't a new occurrence. But before I let it slide cause she was the care taker of her parents. It still hurt. Cause when we had made plans, she would have to break them off due to something or another. She always had to put them first. Which is understandable. But it doesn't erase the fact that I have been complacently on the sidelines helping her all along.

Last night I made some homemade bread and she wanted a slice. Today I offered it when she would get off of work. She agreed to come over. But then one of her go workers needed a ride home, so she said she was going to give her a ride home which was out of town, so she couldn't come over tonight. And "it wasnt like we made plans anyway."......... If I offer something, and you agree to it... Thats not a plan?

I can understand if this was a one time thing. Hell I even have needed a ride from a co worker before and given a co worker a ride. Its not that abnormal. But, yes, we did make plans. And you say stuff like "I want to be with you. I dont put anyone else first." But literally break plans to put your co worker first....

Now on to why her being asexual is more painful than it should be. I can live with that fact if she was my friend. Hell, I feel like the weird one by being sexual. My friends are all asexual except 1(who now has a kid that I claim to be my niece.)

By not being in a relationship, I never truly understood what it truly meant to be asexual. I was just like "oh, you don't want to date?" Pretty much growing up. So I separated dating and sex. If they wanted to date, sex was a normal part of a relationship. So it didn't occur to me that, that was a possibility to date and still be asexual. 

Anyway, so in the beginning, if I ever felt horney, and she wasnt in the mood(which I mean by never being in the mood) I took care of myself. That was on me. I disnt feel anything of it. But then there were some nights where she would act dominant and push all the right buttons. We could be going hot and heavy to the point where I thought she was going to rip off my clothes(which, if I'm being honest, I really wouldnt have minded. Lol.) But then the next minute she would stop and say it was time to go to bed.

And at first, like I said, I thought it was my fault, but also I thought for the first couple of times, that she was just being coy. So I pressured her into continuing cause I just thought she wanted my go ahead. Well that pretty much ended up with her literally falling asleep in the middle of it. Her energy was night and day. And the worse part was when would wake up suddenly after dozing off for a second. She would ram her hand into me because she was disoriented. It fucking hurt. So I learned that she was never being coy, she honestly meant that she wanted to go to sleep.

I let her acting dominant continue until I realized that she was never going to want me on those nights. So I shut myself off because I knew she didnt want me. And I brought it up to her at different points and her answer was "of course I want you!" I had to really dissociate myself when she started doing that and sometimes i did try to stop it but she wanted to continue. And when I did try to stop it, amd she did continue, those nights I felt like "now she DOES want me tonight." Only for her to pass out still. So I learned that they were all fake outs.

The other night I had her over here because I had moved and needed help with things in my new place. She staryed to try the same bullshit again. Except this time she was actually elaborating as she was trying to start shit.

Like "I want to be in you." "I want to feel you" "I want to make you squirm." This, is out of her character. Shes NOT like that ever. And she was being more dominant than she had ever been before. And honestly, I could use a good fuck right now. So, I wondered if for once in the 7 years of knowing her, if this was like a blue moon occurance. For her to actually want to have sex. Why would she be saying all that stuff and being super dominant if she didn't want to? She never was like this before, even when she was just dominant. She wasnt THIS forceful. And, she hasn't needed to take care of anyone for a couple of months now, so maybe she wont be as tired as she was before?

So...I did the stupid thing. I let her continue and get me hot and bothered......only for her to say that it was time to go to sleep.

Oh and for her to say. "I never wanted sex...."

We aren't together. You started to force yourself on me, saying all this stuff youve never said before... And then cut me off like that?

To be honest, she's dependable when it comes to stuff that a friend would be willing to help do. (Move, if a car breaks down, give me rides. All that stuff.) She is like 100% dependable when it comes to that. She does what she says shes goung to do.

But the minute it deals with a relationship part, nope. Shes the opposite. "I want you." Translates to "I want you beside me as a friend, but lets just say we are together. With out any of that physical relationship sruff."

"I want to be in you and feel you and make your squirm." Does not translate to sex. What the hell she was meaning by that, I have no fucking clue.

"Lets have a mini date." Translates to "nevermind, the world needs my help!"

"I dont help EVERYONE..." Translates to "I help everyone else when I have prior commitments to you."

"I don't need anything from you!" Translates to "why cant you just dot.dot.dot."- needing something from me.

And I know. I know that I should stop speaking to her. I know I have no right to complain. I know its my fault for letting this continue for as long as it has....butnif I lose her, I truly will be alone. And I can't bare that feeling. I have best friends, but not close friends. We all go on about our lives because we are all busy. 

And like I said, she is a dependable friend. Just a shit girlfriend. Always was and always will be. I have nothing in town to distract myself, I have no one to talk about this with because no one would understand it. Being as most of them haven't dated (friends age group ranging from 25-30, I'm 27, my ex is 38.) and are asexuals. 

I feel trapped. I know if I cut all communications with her, I seriously will be all to myself. If I still talk to her, ill continue to have to shut myself down from any feelings I might be having.

And if she tries to get all handsy with me and I shut that down, she's going to cry "why cant you just believe me when I say that I love you and want you?" 

-because literally all the other times you have become handsy and said you wanted me, you left me alone feeling hollow and empty inside, in pain. Meanwhile my vagina felt like it was being pinched off with its own pain due to being aroused so much.

And I could understand, if all these things were a one time occurrence. Or if she just wouldn't be in the mood if I would try to start things up and she would shut me down. But no. The minute anything pertains to anything to do with a relationship, she high tails it away. And you don't get someone hot and bothered just to drop it. Specially multiple times. Specially when you guys have talked it into the ground about why it IS a big deal. Specially if you know you dont want it. If you know you dont want it, dont start it. And don't act like you do want it, and don't say you want to do things to someone so they believe you, just to admit it was all lies.

I think another reason why I'm afraid to let go is, I know she doesn't want sex. And due to that I feel safe. Because at this point, if someone was to try to start something with me, I think I would honestly start to have an anxiety attack.

And I feel stupif about that. But I have played it through in my head and I always feel myself start to tense up and shut down. I mean, maybe it would be different if I was comfortable with an actual real life person. But I don't know. Right now I can't think about it with out my inner person running away.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything. I know I need to hightail it away from her. I just needed to vent. My chest is starting to feel tight and its getting harder for me to just live. I feel like I can't even do simple things right now. Like laundry. I feel like most of the time I just sit and stare at something because I have no want for anything. 

And I know I probably should go to a therapist but they are exaughsting, specially if they leave and I have to start all over again with someone else.

So...that's why I came here. Just to vent.