I had this same issue. My partner had an emotional affair and we almost broke up because it got so intense. I have almost no insight for you. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

This is one of the hardest parts of this issue. I kept asking my g/f if it was over and obsessing on how far things had gone. In the end, she decided I was more important and dropped contact with the other woman. But she continued to have feelings for some time after.

Eventually I just stopped asking cause I could never be sure if she was telling the truth or just trying to get me to leave her alone. Then out of the blue one day she said "you know, that's all over, right?" and I knew she was telling the truth.

I guess all Im saying is, one day it'll be over. If she chose you over the other woman, that has to be enough to get you through the mess of it all.

Good luck

I have been going through the same thing. My partner of 22 years reconnected with a friend she was close to before we met. My partner was in denial about her sexuality at the time they were friends. Her friend eventually made a pass at her, and my partner rejected her. She then married a man whom she has been miserable with for twenty plus years. Two years ago they "reconnected". They live in different states, but their communication is NON STOP!! We have a son together and we will be out to eat. She will text her through the meal even when asked not to. She will text her in bed all the time. They talk and text excessively. Last Fall, this friend and her family came to town for a visit, as she has two brothers that live by us. My partner and son spent the day with her and her family. I had to work. This woman started calling and texting my son. He loved it and would tell me how much he liked this person. This was concerning to me, but I was questioning why it made me uncomfortable so I didn't say anything. Soon she sent a framed picture to my partner of herself, my son, and her together. My partner put the picture on the dresser facing our bed. I hated the picture but questioned myself as to why. I have never been a jealous person, but I was uncomfortable with things.

The constant communication continued. For my partner's birthday, this woman sent her something every day for a week starting with a large bouquet of flowers. Again, felt uncomfortable but said nothing. My partner isn't that social, and this person was her only friend. I have a lot of friends and would just tell myself it was good she had a friend. My partner also always insisted they were just friends.

For vacation, my partner planned a trip that involved Las Vegas where this women lived. She tells me they are going to want to spend at least one day alone. I expressed I was not comfortable with this, but she kept telling me they were just friends. Come to find out this women took her on an hour and a half ride in the mountains to a lodge on the side of the mountain for lunch. Ironically, I ended up in the hospital with heat stroke while they were enjoying themselves.

Our entire family trip was focused on this person. I expressed my feelings about this numerous times, but she kept minimizing the situation. Our son even became upset one day saying this person was all she cared about. More denying and minimization from her. I found her texting in bed when she thought I was asleep. Their texts would say "I love you and miss you". I also heard her tell this person "I love you" on the phone when she thought I was out of our hotel room. She insisted they always say that as friends. They love each other as friends. I would tell her, funny I never tell any of my friends I love them.

As I write this I am disgusted with myself for questioning my gut. When we came home from vacation, I told her I couldn't continue like this. She was not respecting my feelings, and their friendship had crossed some serious boundaries. I told her I just wanted the truth and would give her a way out of the relationship if she would just tell me the truth. Her response, "Can I think about it?" At that moment, my heart was crushed, and I knew we were done. She is still insisting they are just friends, and I am making a big deal out of nothing. She is claiming she has been unhappy for two years, and it has nothing to do with her friend. Funny that they reconnected two years ago. I had two questions for her: 1) Why wouldn't you have told me you were unhappy during this two year period. She never said a word. I continued getting loving text messages from her daily. 2) Why wouldn't you want to work on a relationship you spent 22 year of your life in if there wasn't anyone else. She continues to deny anything is going on, and it is making me crazy. All I have ever asked for is the truth. Could I have misjudge this person so terribly?

So, in the end my heart and trust in humanity is shattered. Our poor son has to endure a divorce that he never asked for, and I don't know how I am going to make it financially as she makes a lot more than me.

Shame on me for trusting someone I thought I could trust and being so naive. I would tell you that you don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you, and you don't want to question yourself as to her feelings toward this other person. It will make you crazy!! Follow your gut and not your heart. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you the way you deserve.

Thanks for your replies, it has been an experience that I hope I never have to go through again. it has been up and down ever since the issue came to light. She has tried to see my point of view and for the most part has cut communication with the other person, but the other person didn't let up easily. It seems to me that, the one issue has led into multiple issues that never seemed to be issues before. And from day to day, I never know what to expect.

Wish people here would understand that when you are here to 'support' it has nothing what so ever to do with your personal drama. Ugh!! So selfish!

I'll be back soon..
Till then.... think about one thing..

Who is accountable for our actions?

Msterilyn - sometimes the only way to offer support is by sharing our own stories. Letting the person know that they aren't alone and that although there may not be a clearcut answer to a problem, at least it is possible to survive it.

I for one have always felt like that's the reason for this group. To come together in a positive place and share our drama...sometimes there's insight to be gained, but a lot of times all we can hope for is commiseration.

I've been on this board for over 3 years, and normally don't offer my opinion about the 'type' of support I see here, unless its outright mean and nasty.

However every once in a while, I'll read a post by a new member who is truly in need of some ideas and positive energy to move forward and all I'm reading is paragraph after paragraph of replies, saying basically... ..."Well,...You think You're life sucks...Read About My Life!!" Pulling the spotlight off the original post is not helpful to the poster.

If you need support for your own issue - Great! - keep your own topic alive on the board....keep reaching out,...we're here to help. But in all my years I've never seen ongoing, "Yes I hear you,..but my life sucks too" and/or commiseration make anyone in need feel like they've just been helped up off the ground; hugged and given a little, positive light at the end of the tunnel.

Experienced something similar myself... a number of years ago, tried to have a relationship with a women who had a BFF that constantly interfered with our relationship. The BFF was in love with the woman I was dating... would come on our dates, would talk about me, behind my back... etc. etc. (drama +) Anyhow, the BFF eventually was the one that my gf cheated on me, with... no surprise there.

It is hard to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally committed elsewhere... I learned my lesson, not to get involved with a woman, who had a BFF that was looming around. If she (the woman of interest) is not free & clear of other commitments... then she is not free & clear to be with you. If she is not willing to give up the other person... then she is not committed to you... assuming you are monogamous.

Unless you are in a polyamourous relationship... upon which, I have no idea of how to navigate those waters.

I hope things have gotten better for you. I agree with what was said below. If your partners energies and priorities are not focused on your relationship, but have a right to be concerned. You deserve to be the focus of your partners attention, and she should respect you feelings.

I think we all have temptations from time to time and sometimes flirtations from others which is all a part of human nature. However, if your in a relationship and your the object of the flirtations, it should be your responsibility to consider your partners feelings and respond appropriately. Sometimes people don't though, for whatever reason. Flirtations after all flatter people -- it makes them feel attractive, admired, etc. So, if your the flirter or the receipient of the flirt, look in your spouses eyes next time and flirt with them. Give them the sugar that someone else made you happy with.

I actually am experiencing this as well. My partner is very forthcoming about certain things and others I always find out about. I don't go looking for trouble because I was taught that's exactly how you find it, but it seems to always find me. My partner has been having emotional affairs with other women since we met. She was fresh out of a break up and was still emotionally invested in the other party so they stayed in touch. I tried to get over it, thinking I was just being jealous and insecure but other things started showing up. She would go out to eat with "friends", send cards back and forth, talk to women on the internet and etc. Once again I told myself I was overreacting until I started seeing inappropriate texts and instant messages. That's when I started looking up EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS. Not too soon after I myself had a physical affair which I know, admit and accept was not the right thing to do, but at the time it made me feel better about what was going on with my partner.

The issue I am having now is that my partner gets so into these relationships that she has these women telling her they love her and they are planning their future together and so on and so forth. I constantly bring it to her attention but the behavior continues because she doesn't see anything wrong with it because it has never gotten physical. She is still talking to these women, inviting them to events she is having and all. I love her but I don't know how we can make a relationship work if she wont see the error of her ways.

I feel that even if you don't feel that you are doing anything wrong, if I tell you your behavior is bothering me you should be willing to stop off of that fact alone. She constantly brings up my physical indiscretion yet it was brought to my attention that she has had this same issue with people she has dated in the past. Some of her exes have told her that it is not okay to have these emotional affairs but because she doesn't see anything wrong with it she is not willing to stop.

I don't know what to do about the situation because I love her, we have 6 kids between us, 2 of which we had together but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this especially since there seems to be no end in sight.

:( I am afraid to meet any new friends of hers, I don't want anything to do with any old friends of hers, I walk out of the room when she is on the phone, talking or texting just because I always assume the worst and that is honestly not how I see my forever.

As a person accused of this.. I figured I'd offer insight from my point of view If I may... Obviously I'm on here for apparent issues... and yes I admit in MY situation I see nothing wrong..
I am a Codependant person... something else I am working on... anywho... Yes I have had friends that I will talk to. 1)because they listen, 2) because they're there, 3) because they seem to understand what I'm going through, and 4) they offer some positivity in my life where I don't usually find any... Real or not its nice to know I'm not alone and that 'm enough... Do I want a relationship with these people NO! Do I really believe any1 including my partner or any of the friends I've had really care NO I don't... Do I have any feeling for these people aside from being a friend NO! But I do feed the need, my need, to be enough, to not be invisible and to not be alone!
Yes some of them claim to love me do I believe that no.. Apparently some try to hit on me... But I don't see it like that... I see a supposed friend... only because I'd like to feel special... Like Oh wow... I'm not invisible... Some1's listening... They hear me and for a few minutes IM NOT ALONE!
None of them have EVER gotten physical so again all I get from it is the attention... I don't want any parts of physical from them!
I know physical is wrong and have often been in argument after argument about they are the same when they are not...
I cant control how someone else may or may not feel about me as all I am is myself when I reach out! All I see and ever see is friends... (good bad real or not)
I know what I need and I get it so nothing else bad happens (I'm a cutter)
The down side to this is that yes I have gotten into more serious trouble (legal) for trying to help out supposed friends... It almost cost me my life and my family...
DO I now people use me... YES But as long as I'm not alone I'm ok... To me the attention, good or bad, is better than being alone!!!
I hope this helps... Heck it might confuse you more... But in any case this is my experience possibly some insight... Idk...

Why be in a relationship with some one if you are going to hurt them? In your case KymKimme, what about everyone else involved? What about your partner? If you invested the amount of time you are investing in these "fake" relationships into the relationship you are in things might be different between you and your partner. What about the other party in the "fake" relationship? How is it fair to let them love you and you have no intentions on taking things any further. Why even be in a relationship if you have been told numerous times that it is unacceptable to be involved in these "fake" relationships while in a "real" relationship? In your effort to make yourself feel better you are hurting a lot of other people in the process and if more than one person has told you that the behavior is not okay wouldn't that make you think twice about what you are doing? Would it honestly be okay if your partner was doing the same thing to you? If she had other women chatting her up and telling her they loved her and all the other things the women in your "fake" relationships do for you? What happens when one day you work things out with your partner but the women in your "fake" relationship decide they are not willing to give up what you two have (or what they think you have)? Now you have created bigger issues in your "real" relationship, because you may have forgiven your partner and you two are working towards fixing your relationship but the "fake" partner isn't going to be so willing to just back off...then how do you handle that? You said that you don't enter into these relationships intending on them becoming so serious, but once you see it getting to that point do you do anything to stop it?

SORRY SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! I would just really like to understand how this happens and as someone that does it I want your insight!!!

I don't see them as relationships... friendships maybe but not a relationship... As for my partner... I put my all into her and everything about her so much so I felt that her being happy would make me happy. But she showed me that I wasn't enough shut me out cheated physically (with a chick that neva seemed to just go away over the years) and continued to down me... she knew of all my issues and she let me fend for myself when I reached out... It wasn't until later that I found out she had many of the same issues which was even more devastating...I have been through any and everything terrible that could ever happen to a Human and yes there is damage so I learned over time to protect myself the best ways I can... But the heart wants who it wants... Yes I love my partner... Has she caused me pain yes, both mental and emotional but I still love her. I don't trust her though and when I try to open myself up to do it something else traumatic happens... But I love her and its better than being alone! Right...?
I am a work in progress...! I just learned that this severely strong urge that Ive felt for years to be wanted, needed, loved, seen, to fit in, to be enough is called codependency... Am I expected to change over night..? I know I have an issue with the word NO It's even gotten me locked up for just trying to help (cuz I needed to be needed)
As I work through this Im told I have to make boundaries... at the same time the urge still whispers... As for my partner doing it... She has... and its gone a lot further than what I've done... the difference is that I know I have an issue and am trying to seek help... I remember an incident we got into... She saw some texts from a chick that I considered a friend... She made some comments and I just let them slide... To say No is not the easiest but I did try... and instead of trying to understand and attempt to notice that I attempted to say no I got bashed! (Not to mention that the chick was like 18) I am no Chester!!! so to insinuate more happening to me was a slap in the face...
My friends die out as they always do... and have never tried to "fight for me" so to speak...
As far as how serious they go honestly I'm not sure... I have it set in my mind they are just friends... I ONLY see them as friends...
I don't mind the questions... I just hope it helps someone else understand and be able to support their partner if they had the same issue... or even helps someone with this issue figure out how to stop it!

For starters.....Thank you for your time!!! Every interaction you have with someone is a type of relationship...friendships are platonic but still a type of relationship. If you want to work things out with your partner I suggest you two try counseling or you end the relationship. I know in my case it does hurt me when my partner partakes in those actions, especially after I made it clear that her actions were hurting me. The fact that she continued, said to me that she didn't care about my feelings. As far as your partner, maybe she had issues and didn't tell you about them as not to hide them but to try to put your issues first. I have issues as well and I know personally I tend to hide my issues as not to seem weak to others. I am used to being the rock in my relationships especially if my partner is struggling I tend to put my issues on the back burner to help with theirs. The "Captain-save-a-hoe" complex as it has so affectionately been called LOL (not saying that anyone I have dealt with is a hoe but you get the point (: )

I have loved a lot of my exes, or so I thought, but that obviously was not enough. Relationships take more that just that, they take work, compromise, sacrifice, pain, pleasure and a host of other trials and triumphs. It is up to you both to decide if the end result is worth the work you have to put in to make it!!!

As far as the issue of the friend you had, was the conversation fitting of just a friendship or was there more to it? That's the big question. There are some conversations and actions that are not appropriate for someone in a relationship to be having and doing. I was always taught that married/attatched people have no business doing single people things. Therefore those two groups of people don't mix well simply because they are in two different stages of life. For example, I would not hang out with a group of my single friends simply because they would more than likely want to go do single people things which in a relationship may not be appropriate for me to be doing and not that I would intentionally do something to jeopardize my relationship, but why put myself in a position for it to appear as such?!

Friends should not have to "fight" for you if they know their place. When people think they are higher up on the totem pole than they are then I would expect them to fade away once they find out what's what. If you approach people with a "woe-is-me" type attitude towards your relationship they may begin to feel like you are telling them because you want them to do something about it. They start to make advances at you and you don't come out and say that you aren't looking for anything more than just an ear, so with every phone call, text, IM, greeting card, they feel more and more connected to you. If the only time you talk about your relationship it is in a negative light, they get the impression that you are unhappy and looking for a way out and since they are telling you how they feel and you are not rejecting their advances they feel that they are working their way in. Then all of a sudden months to years have passed they are head over heals for you, you gave them the impression that you are unhappy at home and here is their chance to change all that and then they find out its all "fake". That you are still with the partner or that you two are working things out or that they never had a chance to begin with and now their heart is broken because you led them on. I have been there before with someone in my past and it is not a good place to be and that is actually what opened my eyes up to this because I was so emotionally invested in her, we had never been physical, but had gotten as far as talking about marriage, kids and the whole shebang and as it turned out.....it all meant nothing.

So I have been on both sides of the fence with this. I sure am glad you decided to talk with me because I have honestly been trying to figure this thing out for quite some time so THANK YOU AGAIN!!!