Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
My GF of 8yrs hit me with the news that she is no longer in our relationship mentally or emotionally and hasnt been for a long time to the point where she basically wants to completely seperate herself from me. She wont say breaking up instead says "trial seperation" but it feels permanent. I had no idea she felt this way...it feel like I was hit by a truck. She basically exploded all of this emotion onto me and left me wondering what the hell just happened. That was last night, she stayed at a hotel and came back today. Needless to say I have not slept or eaten or done much other than cry. We are both second yr grad students in the same program, living in the same rental house of which we just signed a year lease, have 3 dogs and 1 cat and share everything from cars to bank accounts even friends....therein lies the root to all our trouble. We didnt have seperate ANYTHING and now she wants to be seperate in everyway possible...except we have to stay in our rental house until next July and we have to see each other everyday at school regardless, not to mention at home...She is going to sleep in our spare room and says she needs space to find herself and see if she can basically fall in love again....i knew we had our issues, and I knew that not seperating things was a mistake (learned that in my first major break-up) mind you, I am 33 and she is 26 and we have been together 8yrs so do the math. When she was 18 she didnt understand the need for seperation and I let it fall by the wayside, BIG mistake. I knew this day would come and I have cried myself to sleep worrying when it would finally arrive. She has outgrown me and our relationship and I am completely heart broken and dont know how to deal with still being around her everyday. It has been awkward and basically if one of us is home the other leaves. I feel there may be someone else, she denies it and says she's not totally out of this yet but needs time (months at least) to live as seperate as she can from me to figure things out.
That said, I knew deep down things weren't going to work out. Didn't make it easy, but it would be much easier than what you were hit with. It's hard to be blindsided, going back over the relationship to look for signs you may have missed. And in all likelihood, there may not BE any. Some people are very internal and you never really know what is going on until they burst.
I guess the question is: are YOU still in the relationship mentally and emotionally? Truly? If you look deep down and feel that maybe you aren't- then this could either be a good thing, or a wakeup call for your relationship. If you ARE still in it... then you need to decide if "waiting" for her is the right thing for you. If you love each other, but just need some rekindling, this may not be a bad thing. 8 years is a very long time, especially in "lesbian years".
The problem is- she CAN'T live separate and figure out, while still living together. Is there any way out of the lease? Subletting perhaps? I'm sorry this is happening during such a stressful time as grad school.
I wish I had great advice for you.. I guess all I can offer is the knowledge that someone else knows what you are going through and how tough it can be.
We get so caught up trying to figure out the other side and their emotions and motives that we never give ourselves permission to ask ourselves our need and our feelings.
One thing is you don't have to in any way feel prisoned to have to cope through this the way the lease details. It may not be easy to break the lease and find an alternative living situation but its also not impossible.
I'm in a similar situation, not exact but my gf who I'm in denial about our reality and I work together and I know that once a split takes place I will probably have to be the one to find a new job.
You first everything else will follow.
Stop by and read my post if u can. Same section as yours.
"My girlfriends EX...... "
I knew she would leave as soon as we got home so I beat her to the punch by suggesting she take our youngest dog to the park and get her some more dogfood (trying to be on the offense rather than defense). I think that now that things are out in the open a little of the stress has been lifted for her, but I dont think that is enough to resolve the issues that have been building for years. She said she may go to counseling to try and work through whatever it is she is having difficulty dealing with or realizing. I think that may help her be honest with herself and with me. Whether that means things get resolved or they end it will be for the best. We have lost ourselves over the years, I have stopped being the peron I was to appease her and she has tried to adjust to what I want to appease me and it just wasnt working we ended up being this muted combination of ourselves combined into one person. Neither one of us wants that. I think we are at different places in life right now. We started dating when she was young, I was her first relationship, I think she needs to go out n experience life whether she will admitt it or not. Our relationship has been full of stress, not necessarily relationship stress, but we have moved across the country twice worked full time jobs (same place, same shift due to school schedule)while finishing our undergrad degrees (same degree, same schedule) bought a house which we still own in MN (we live in AZ) and are now in grad school together. That is a lot of years of being together pretty much 24/7 no couple could sustain that. All our friends were the same when I would suggest doing seperate things she would always say no, which she admits now is because she felt she was leaving me out or going to hurt my feelings. There are parts of us that are sooo compatible then there are parts of us that are completley opposite. I am a social, extroverted, happy and fun loving person who is pretty laid back about things most of the time-or used to be-fly by the seat of my pants, glass half full kinda gal. Andrea on the other hand was spoiled and self-serving who cant stand not getting her way or doing anything she doesnt want to do or feel is beneath her or that is just the curteous thing to do.
Dont get me wrong she has a side that is funny and kind and light-hearted which is why I love her but we have different ideas about manners and social etiquette. Mostly due to our upbringings. She was an only child given everything she wanted and told everyday by her mom, even now, that she is a precious perfect princess, she insisted that she hated that pampering and attention but it still influenced her way of socializing. I was raised as the third of three girls by a single mom who worked nights and was taught that if someone offers you something you take it and thank them.
I do not get along with her mom very well, as you could imagine with me being her first gf I was the one who of course "turned her gay" and being that I was older and an adult completely confident in myself I wasnt going to bow down to a woman who thought she could treat me like a five year being scolded for not doing what I was told.
I am taking the advice all of you have given as well as the advice of other friends and dealing with my own needs. I realized that I had to admit that I was not happy either. If there is a way to rekindle our romance it has to be done through our own journeys of rediscovering who we are and what we want, otherwise it cant happen. I am grieving what has been lost but looking ahead to what can be gained. I came across this quote and that it was perfect:
"holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."....;-)....T.Harv Eker
Thank you, pmaine and all the advice from you guys.
Wish you all will be fine!
You know what? IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. Sure didn't feel that way at the time, but I am so grateful now that she just left. I kept the house, kept the pets, and found a woman who is better for me in every way. We've been together for 11 years and it is just the best.
Only you two can know whether this is a rough patch or the end. However, I just wanted to tell you that THE END is often actually a preparation for the beginning of something better. So don't despair. The period of transition between phases of your life can be traumatic, but nobody stays in that scary transition space where everything seems up in the air and unsettled. You learn and you move on and it is good. So, if this DOES turn out to be the end of something, have hope. And I will be thinking of you: It is so hard to be in the middle of emotional upheaval like you are right now.