Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hi, I am new to this site and wondered whether anyone can help me with my current situation which is quite longwinded.
I met a girl and my badminton club in Feb 2014 and up until then I had always considered myself straight. I contacted her by email and we started seeing each other. She was really keen and this scared me as I had never been in a same sex relationship and it felt that she wanted to jump in straight away. We both helped each other get into our respective careers and we grew very close. I was due to start a very important course for my career that September so I knew it wasn't wise to start a new relationship as I knew it would be intense. I always pushed her away when she said she wanted to be with me as I just couldn't commit. I was concerned about how fragile she seemed to be as she was rejected by her parents after coming out and I would feel responsible if things didn't work out.
In Sept i started my course and I distanced myself from her. She found this very difficult and I dont think i was sympathetic enough. She started seeing another girl at her then workplace and she said she was just doing it as a distraction from me. I did get a bit jealous at times but I felt i still could not be with her whilst on this course and I still felt unsure about being with a woman longterm as she would always talk in terms of 'forever' which scared me.
We argued a lot during my course as I felt that she tried to push me aside for this other girl who was also straight but perhaps experimenting. We did see each other but just not as much.
In July, i finished my course and I met up with her a few times, she confided in me that she had self-harmed over the girl she was seeing even though she had previously said that they were just friends.
At the end of July she said she had met a Portuguese girl who knew what she wanted and she really wanted to give it a try with her. I instantly felt that I couldn't let her go and told her how i felt about her and that I wanted her. She said she couldn't trust that this was true as I had played games in the past and said i wanted to eb with her just because I thought I was going to lose her. She said that she didnt feel for me as strongly as before because of all the rejections but i persuaded her that it was because we hadnt spent much time together since i started the course. She then chose me but i was hesitant and then she ran back to the Portuguese girl after sleeping with me. She then came back to me saying that it was a mistake after we had spent the following day together.
i found it difficult to trust her knowing that she was capable of this type of behaviour. We gradually started seeing each other and it became a relationship. She would always talk in terms of the longterm and u would try and take it day by day. She wanted to put a title on it very soon on and I slipped into it gradually. I admitted that i still found it hard ti trust her. I looked through her phone and found messages to the first girl (detailed above) that sounded jealous as this girl was telling her that she had moved on. I confronted her about them and she said that the messages weren't serious and that she just likes attention. I found it even more difficult to trust her and on occasion checked her phone which she angry about. I also found her contact with the first girl inappropriate and she justified it by saying that they were also friends etc.
Well it all came to ahead when my gf when to Jamaica in September. At first she was skyping me and was very attentive and then this changed, I felt that I became clingy in a way and questioned why she was calling less. She made me feel and told me I was being too intense. This was like a sudden Uturn. I met her at the airport with her grandma and she gave me presents as an apology. I still felt something was wrong however. I felt nervous around her and I had lost confidence to speak my mind for fear of an argument.
i was due to start a new job the following week in a different city and I started seeing a recurring name appear on her phone.. lets say "Ronda". i questioned her about this and she replied by saying that I had always encouraged her to have friends and now she is trying to have friends I shouldn't be like this.
I felt bad and backed off.
The first weekend back in London after starting the job and we went out. we got involved in altercation with an aggressive male and so it was a bad day. At the end of the day i asked whether I should stay and she was indifferent. i questioned her about it and she said that I would have to be away for longer for her to miss me like she did before. I questioned her further and after about 15 times of asking she admitted that she cheated on me witha girl Ronda in Jamaica and that it was exciting and that i didnt excite her in in the same way anymore.
She said she still loved me but that a certain connection was missing. she said she had feelings for this girl and that it would make her sad to end it but she would. I felt that i couldn't eb ina relationship with someone on that basis as she didnt seem to regret it.
I still stayed that night and i have no idea why. The following day she came back to my flat in the new city where I work. She seemed to be trying it on again.
3 weeks later and she is planning to go back to JA in Dec. She wanted me to hold on and wait whilst she figured out her feelings for both of us. She was only in JA for two weeks. She told me she wants to have her cake and eat it. She basically wants an open relationship.
She is scared of me not talking to her and when i told her i wouldnt she said she would cut it off with the girl and try and make it work with me. A few hours later i questioned her and i was suspicious. The next day its transpired that she felt forced to say that because she was scared of losing me.
The other day i said we need to just be friends if possible but that she shouldnt call or text this girl around me. We did go out and we kissed at the cinema. The following day she asked if i regretted it and we both said we didn't.
I feel that i cant communicate with her anymore over the phone as i know she is in constant contact with this girl. I told her last night that i need space yet this morning she was contacting me again.
She says things like will you come and collect me from the airport when i come back in DEC knowing full well that that is inappropriate as she is going to see this girl. She even says things like i should come with her knowing full well that she will see this girl. I feel like she is disrespecting me and taking the mick.
We were such close friends and the loss is painful but i cant live with the fact that this girl in JA is always on the phone to her and she clearly has strong feelings which she admits. I had previously broached the subject of getting back together but she says she couldn't give me all of her. i think she is playing games. I just don't know where it all went wrong and what i should do.
sorry for the long message but i need your help. I am 27 and she is 25.
I met a girl and my badminton club in Feb 2014 and up until then I had always considered myself straight. I contacted her by email and we started seeing each other. She was really keen and this scared me as I had never been in a same sex relationship and it felt that she wanted to jump in straight away. We both helped each other get into our respective careers and we grew very close. I was due to start a very important course for my career that September so I knew it wasn't wise to start a new relationship as I knew it would be intense. I always pushed her away when she said she wanted to be with me as I just couldn't commit. I was concerned about how fragile she seemed to be as she was rejected by her parents after coming out and I would feel responsible if things didn't work out.
In Sept i started my course and I distanced myself from her. She found this very difficult and I dont think i was sympathetic enough. She started seeing another girl at her then workplace and she said she was just doing it as a distraction from me. I did get a bit jealous at times but I felt i still could not be with her whilst on this course and I still felt unsure about being with a woman longterm as she would always talk in terms of 'forever' which scared me.
We argued a lot during my course as I felt that she tried to push me aside for this other girl who was also straight but perhaps experimenting. We did see each other but just not as much.
In July, i finished my course and I met up with her a few times, she confided in me that she had self-harmed over the girl she was seeing even though she had previously said that they were just friends.
At the end of July she said she had met a Portuguese girl who knew what she wanted and she really wanted to give it a try with her. I instantly felt that I couldn't let her go and told her how i felt about her and that I wanted her. She said she couldn't trust that this was true as I had played games in the past and said i wanted to eb with her just because I thought I was going to lose her. She said that she didnt feel for me as strongly as before because of all the rejections but i persuaded her that it was because we hadnt spent much time together since i started the course. She then chose me but i was hesitant and then she ran back to the Portuguese girl after sleeping with me. She then came back to me saying that it was a mistake after we had spent the following day together.
i found it difficult to trust her knowing that she was capable of this type of behaviour. We gradually started seeing each other and it became a relationship. She would always talk in terms of the longterm and u would try and take it day by day. She wanted to put a title on it very soon on and I slipped into it gradually. I admitted that i still found it hard ti trust her. I looked through her phone and found messages to the first girl (detailed above) that sounded jealous as this girl was telling her that she had moved on. I confronted her about them and she said that the messages weren't serious and that she just likes attention. I found it even more difficult to trust her and on occasion checked her phone which she angry about. I also found her contact with the first girl inappropriate and she justified it by saying that they were also friends etc.
Well it all came to ahead when my gf when to Jamaica in September. At first she was skyping me and was very attentive and then this changed, I felt that I became clingy in a way and questioned why she was calling less. She made me feel and told me I was being too intense. This was like a sudden Uturn. I met her at the airport with her grandma and she gave me presents as an apology. I still felt something was wrong however. I felt nervous around her and I had lost confidence to speak my mind for fear of an argument.
i was due to start a new job the following week in a different city and I started seeing a recurring name appear on her phone.. lets say "Ronda". i questioned her about this and she replied by saying that I had always encouraged her to have friends and now she is trying to have friends I shouldn't be like this.
I felt bad and backed off.
The first weekend back in London after starting the job and we went out. we got involved in altercation with an aggressive male and so it was a bad day. At the end of the day i asked whether I should stay and she was indifferent. i questioned her about it and she said that I would have to be away for longer for her to miss me like she did before. I questioned her further and after about 15 times of asking she admitted that she cheated on me witha girl Ronda in Jamaica and that it was exciting and that i didnt excite her in in the same way anymore.
She said she still loved me but that a certain connection was missing. she said she had feelings for this girl and that it would make her sad to end it but she would. I felt that i couldn't eb ina relationship with someone on that basis as she didnt seem to regret it.
I still stayed that night and i have no idea why. The following day she came back to my flat in the new city where I work. She seemed to be trying it on again.
3 weeks later and she is planning to go back to JA in Dec. She wanted me to hold on and wait whilst she figured out her feelings for both of us. She was only in JA for two weeks. She told me she wants to have her cake and eat it. She basically wants an open relationship.
She is scared of me not talking to her and when i told her i wouldnt she said she would cut it off with the girl and try and make it work with me. A few hours later i questioned her and i was suspicious. The next day its transpired that she felt forced to say that because she was scared of losing me.
The other day i said we need to just be friends if possible but that she shouldnt call or text this girl around me. We did go out and we kissed at the cinema. The following day she asked if i regretted it and we both said we didn't.
I feel that i cant communicate with her anymore over the phone as i know she is in constant contact with this girl. I told her last night that i need space yet this morning she was contacting me again.
She says things like will you come and collect me from the airport when i come back in DEC knowing full well that that is inappropriate as she is going to see this girl. She even says things like i should come with her knowing full well that she will see this girl. I feel like she is disrespecting me and taking the mick.
We were such close friends and the loss is painful but i cant live with the fact that this girl in JA is always on the phone to her and she clearly has strong feelings which she admits. I had previously broached the subject of getting back together but she says she couldn't give me all of her. i think she is playing games. I just don't know where it all went wrong and what i should do.
sorry for the long message but i need your help. I am 27 and she is 25.
it will help remove her from the pedestal you put her on and show you the real nature of your relationship and how it really is. It will help give you your self worth back. Its hard but it works.