Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hi. I'm new here and I'm looking for some advice on how to talk to my girlfriend about sex. Just to give some background, we have been together for almost 3 years. And our sex life was always very passionate and lovely. We are 10 years apart in age. I am 27 she is 37. Just absolutely the best sex I've ever had and she always said I was the best she'd ever had too. We both had very high sex drives and just this amazing sexual chemistry as well as a very loving affectionate, respectful relationship with each other. Without a doubt, the best relationship I've ever been in.
This year has not been our year. We've had a lot of financial problems. She is just Now able to find a job after being unemployed for about 7 months. I guess this is when this all started about 7-9 months ago. Her sex drive just took a nose dive very suddenly. I can tell that she isn't happy not working feeling like she isn't contributing. She also started taking a medication for migraines called topamax, which is known for killing a person's libido. After many painful talks and hurt feelings, she decided that she would go off the topamax. Got glasses which seem to help with the migraines. Now it's been about a month since she's been off the medication. Her mood seems a little better, and her other side effects from the medicine have gone away except for she is still not trying to initiate sex with me ever. We have sex once a month, that's only if I start it. She doesn't even masturbate anymore and that was something she did frequently before. I just get the sense that she's avoiding sex all the time. She doesn't kiss me for longer than a peck on the lips. She is very affectionate most days. Cuddling, holding hands, making sure I feel loved because she knows it hurts me that she doesn't want sex. I know she is depressed. We've talked about it. She's got a lot on her plate right now. I have also had trouble with trying to get back in school. Being laid off from my job. Its just been one hard thing after another lately and on top of it my girlfriend doesn't want to be intimate with me ever. I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding. But Whenever I bring it up or flirt with her or say anything sexual she just shakes her head or laughs or sometimes rolls her eyes or just brushes it off in general. When We do have sex, it's like an obligation that's she's filling or something. I don't know.
I know we're in a rough spot financially and she cannot handle being broke or feeling inadequate. I just don't know how to tell her how sad this is making me. I know she loves me. She shows me in every other way besides this. Every time i try to talk about this seriously, she gets so upset and cries or gets super angry and calls herself inadequate and says things like why are you even with me then? She thinks of herself as worthless and getting old and going nowhere in life. And I know that's obviously depression. I've struggled with depression my entire life. I know how she feels. I even understand that depression can kill your libido had experience there too. But I still feel unwanted and undesirable and have extremely hurt feelings when I'm not getting the reactions from her sexually that I want or that I used to get. Our sex is still amazing when we have it. She just doesn't want it right now.
How do I talk to her About this? Will this just fix itself as she starts feeling better about herself? Am I being selfish and childish for wanting to be intimate with her while she is obviously going through something? Its so hard to be cuddling with her or giving her a back message and feeling so close and then being turned on knowing that she isn't... I'm getting to where I don't even want to try to have sex anymore. Like I can't even make out with my girlfriend Without feeling like I'm forcing something... I don't know. Please help me. I don't know what is going on. She says that she's still attracted to me and she still loves me she just isn't feeling sexual right now... What do I do? I feel so heart broken .... Getting off the medication was supposed to make this issue better but maybe that was never the problem at all... I'm so lost in my feelings and I can't talk to her about them because I feel like she is hurting too and I don't want to be one more thing she's carrying on her back, but I want to know that she cares that I feel this way. I want to know what's going on in her head right now. This shouldn't be so hard.
You have to talk to your gf about this.
The two of you might have different drives altogether. Just be honest and ask her how much she would ideally like to have sex.
If you have very different drives, it might be best that the two of you split up. Not trying to be negative, just realistic.
Are the financial problems new, or have they existed for a while? If so, for how long? A lot of things can contribute to lack of drive.
I wish I had some advice to give. But I’ve only just joined this site this evening, at my wits end and looking for some answers. Or at least some validation.
I found the latter in your post. I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through. It can feel incredibly isolating. Well at least it does for me.
I’ve bern with my partner for 4 years and our sexual relationship began to decline after the first year. We’ve only has sex twice in the last 12 months. The last time was July 2017, my birthday. What makes it worse is that I know she only had sex with me because it was my birthday. I felt terrible doing it. It didn’t feel as though the consent was genuine. But what breaks my heart is that I was so desperate for it I allowed her to pleasure me even though I knew that’s not what she genuinely wanted. That she was only doing it for me. It kills me to feel as though I took advantage of her because I’m so desparately dissatisfied sexually.
My level of masturbation is also causing me a lot of distress. I’m masturbating almost daily to try and relieve some of the sexual tension I’m feeling. But each time I do it I just feel desperate and lonely. I feel shameful. Like this horny teenage boy. It’s killing me.
Similar to your partner, I acknowledge that mine too has a lot on her plate. She’s currently trying to finish her PhD, is getting in touch with a lot of repressed emotional content in therapy, and has put on some weight so she reports feel unhappy with her body and unattractive. I try my best to reassure her that she is beautiful and how frequently I think of her sexually, but this doesn’t help. I’ve tried everything that you have tried. We’re both psychologists so we’re very aware of all the strategies that should/may help, but at the moment nothing is working.
Lately I’ve found myself becoming increasingly overwhelmed about thoughts of my age- I’m 26. I’m young, I’m fairly attractive. These should be some of the best years of my life, sexually. And I feel like I’m wasting them. Like my sexual self is wasting away. The grief associated with that is becoming harder to bear.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any help. But I wanted to thank you- your story has helped me feel less alone.
I’ve brought it up to her. She gave me things about our relationship that have been causing her stress and I’d tried and done everything that I could to alleviate that. We love each other. There’s no question in that. We’ve been through hell and high water together and have seen and continue to see each other grow. Yet...this.
Anyway, I’m sorry. Idk of any solution as I’m looking for one myself. I feel stupid in bringing it up anymore because it feels like I’m always the one who has to do it.
You’re not alone. I’m 34 and she’s ...28 ...has had endometriosis...anxiety...medication ...like...lol everything. It fucking sucks and it’s so...lonely.
Anyway, hit me up if you wanna vent. My very best of luck to you.
I am actually married (only for a few years) and having the same issue. The difference is that I have talked about it and brought it up but it hasn't done any good at all, unfortunately.
Newbie, you and me both. I feel like it’s beating a dead horse at this point because nothing ever changes.
Women, in general, are so quick to a) think it's them b) think they have to 'fix' it and c) be dramatic (not that some of these issues might really need attention).
What I have found is that the amount of sex that we have is in no way related to how much I love her. Nor she, I. It is related to a 10 hour work day or 2 growing boys who are both in sports or exhaustion or being self-conscious because we gained a little weight, or feeling like we HAD to and now it's just awkward as hell, or that our 'emotional tank' as we call it is just drained and what we really want more than sex is a nice glass of wine and a foot massage.
Sex and love are not always so intertwined. Talk to your partners. Ask them what you can do for them, with absolutely no expectation of anything in return. Ask because you genuinely want them to be the best them they can be. Stop thinking it's them rejecting you and start thinking that if their 'emotional tank' (because we know women have them) isn't full then they start to horde what emotional energy they have. When they have an abundance, they will give it freely.