Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
4 years ago this month my wife ended our relationship. We had the big wedding and all, it just wasn't legal as far as the state/country was concerned. During the relationship I paid thousands of dollars towards her house mortgage and her schooling (last 2 years of marriage) with the intent that when her schooling was complete, I'd be able to then have the support turn my direction so I could further my skills and get a "grown up" job with benefits etc. The expectation was also that once the house sold, I'd be reaping those benefits too.
Instead, once she was done with schooling, she pulled the proverbial rug out from under us and ended the marriage. I spent the first year drowning in pain/sadness and trying to survive (now having to live in my own apt etc). The second year I ended up on depression meds because I just was bombarded with new pain as the anniversary of it all approached. There was not a lot of thinking clearly, just plain survival. Fast forward to this year's anniversary timeframe of that awful time and I'm still a little stuck. I think the main thing that isn't resolved is that "it's not fair" feeling because I was not given my turn to grow/gain skills and all the financial parts that I put into her life(which she now benefits from and I see posts on fb).
I am wondering if it's too late to approach her via letter and ask for some sort of financial retribution. If we had been legally married, this wouldn't be an issue because it would have been part of the legal divorce proceedings. It would automatically have been done/accounted for. is this just a really expensive lesson I learned? Is it reasonable to ask for retribution of some sort at this point? Have you had experience with this in your past relationships? I'm not even planning to ask for a full amount (schooling alone was $4,000 per year plus travel) At this point, $2,000 is an amount that would greatly increase my ability to change jobs without worrying about rent as I make those transitions. Or is that selling myself short? Should I leave it open and see what she might offer?
All replies would be helpful at this point---unless they are mean=)
Thank you,
HIO
Instead, once she was done with schooling, she pulled the proverbial rug out from under us and ended the marriage. I spent the first year drowning in pain/sadness and trying to survive (now having to live in my own apt etc). The second year I ended up on depression meds because I just was bombarded with new pain as the anniversary of it all approached. There was not a lot of thinking clearly, just plain survival. Fast forward to this year's anniversary timeframe of that awful time and I'm still a little stuck. I think the main thing that isn't resolved is that "it's not fair" feeling because I was not given my turn to grow/gain skills and all the financial parts that I put into her life(which she now benefits from and I see posts on fb).
I am wondering if it's too late to approach her via letter and ask for some sort of financial retribution. If we had been legally married, this wouldn't be an issue because it would have been part of the legal divorce proceedings. It would automatically have been done/accounted for. is this just a really expensive lesson I learned? Is it reasonable to ask for retribution of some sort at this point? Have you had experience with this in your past relationships? I'm not even planning to ask for a full amount (schooling alone was $4,000 per year plus travel) At this point, $2,000 is an amount that would greatly increase my ability to change jobs without worrying about rent as I make those transitions. Or is that selling myself short? Should I leave it open and see what she might offer?
All replies would be helpful at this point---unless they are mean=)
Thank you,
HIO
One day she had me buy my dream car for our 12th anniversary, then 3 days later she just blurted out that she wanted to be single.
The payments were nothing I could afford on my own; and as it turned out she had fallen in love with her straight friend and forced me to leave our home in a matter of weeks. To say I understand your pain is an understatement. It's only been this year that I feel I'm regaining my inner joy.
The shock of the whole thing hadn't really set in while I was adopting out dogs, selling furniture, relocating my job and myself to another state. I had total clarity about how F'd I was financially. I had always worked, but at 55 years old, I had supported/followed her career moves and I had to settle with the job I could get.
I took the car back; begged for a cheaper trade in, and then insisted my Ex pay my charge cards off and the 401K loan I took out to put a sun room on our house.
She agreed to pay some things off on a monthly basis. Since she wasn't legally bound, I'm very sure the only thing that made her pay up was that we had worked at the same company. She was in management (thanks to my support and help) and didn't want me to bad mouth her for putting me in such a nasty financial bind.
I'm still recovering from the expenses she left me with, and like you I know she is traveling and happily financially secure with her now straight-to-gay legal wife.
So. That's a piece of my story.
I understand how difficult it is to heal from a deep wound and yet I wish you had thought about this years ago. Even with a legal straight marriage, where individuals with no children are divorced, it would be very unlikely a judge would rule for monies to be paid to the other 4 years later :(
Also, unless you have reconciled into a healthy friendship, I have a feeling she will not be receptive to your request.
As others have mentioned, the answer is always 'NO' unless you ask. But as your Daily Strength supporter, I would humbly suggest you prepare for a negative response.
Until then, healing should be your full focus. Stop looking at her life on FB and start finding little ways to make your life as wonderful, stable and productive as you deserve it to be (hug)
Keep us posted on what you decide!