Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hello peeps,
Wow where do I even begin....when I first came to this forum I just wanted advice for a regular r/s problem but you know what I just thought I should just cut to the chase. Yes I am in a relationship with a girl who drives me crazy in both good and bad ways.
To start things up, W my girl suffers from severe clinical depression, mild aspergers and mild bi polarism. Through no fault of hers, she was sexually abused by male members of family in her childhood and later into adulthood she fell in love with a violently abusive man. Much later she finally met someone who respected her and loved her but was untimely met with a horrible car accident and pass away. All these things happened while she is living with her oppressive family.
Then 2 years ago, she met me. I never knew someone who suffered so much could still muster the courage to try and live for her dreams. Soon we fell in love but right from the start I didn't know how to deal with her problems. Most of the time she would drown out her sorrows through the bottle and she still is now.
Its something I really don't know how to deal with. On one I hand I know the problem that is plaguing her and I can understand why she does it. On the other hand her druken escapades have landed her into a lot of trouble with her disapproving conservative mother. Or it gets very troublesome to scoop her out from walking into traffic or out of a bar.
I know she drinks to sleep away her problems but I don't know how to tell her the problems its causing for me. She thinks I'm her controlling mother whenever I broach the subject. And I would really like to help her understand that while I am fully aware of her problems I don't think the answer lies at the end of a bottle.
This has lead to some very heated arguments in the past and I believe she tells her friends (some of which are interested to be more then friends with her) that I am controlling her drinking. And these friends of hers sometimes encourages her that its ok to drink and completely disregard me. While I know her friends have her interest, they don't have the nasty task of having to save her ass every other drinking session or face her drunken verbal abuse on a regular basis.
How can I help her face her psychological issues without her hitting the bottle? Right now I'm also worried that her situation is actually getting better but she's still hitting the bottle.
On another side note, she does have regular psychiatric therapy and recently she has gone through shock treatment.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading. :)
Wow where do I even begin....when I first came to this forum I just wanted advice for a regular r/s problem but you know what I just thought I should just cut to the chase. Yes I am in a relationship with a girl who drives me crazy in both good and bad ways.
To start things up, W my girl suffers from severe clinical depression, mild aspergers and mild bi polarism. Through no fault of hers, she was sexually abused by male members of family in her childhood and later into adulthood she fell in love with a violently abusive man. Much later she finally met someone who respected her and loved her but was untimely met with a horrible car accident and pass away. All these things happened while she is living with her oppressive family.
Then 2 years ago, she met me. I never knew someone who suffered so much could still muster the courage to try and live for her dreams. Soon we fell in love but right from the start I didn't know how to deal with her problems. Most of the time she would drown out her sorrows through the bottle and she still is now.
Its something I really don't know how to deal with. On one I hand I know the problem that is plaguing her and I can understand why she does it. On the other hand her druken escapades have landed her into a lot of trouble with her disapproving conservative mother. Or it gets very troublesome to scoop her out from walking into traffic or out of a bar.
I know she drinks to sleep away her problems but I don't know how to tell her the problems its causing for me. She thinks I'm her controlling mother whenever I broach the subject. And I would really like to help her understand that while I am fully aware of her problems I don't think the answer lies at the end of a bottle.
This has lead to some very heated arguments in the past and I believe she tells her friends (some of which are interested to be more then friends with her) that I am controlling her drinking. And these friends of hers sometimes encourages her that its ok to drink and completely disregard me. While I know her friends have her interest, they don't have the nasty task of having to save her ass every other drinking session or face her drunken verbal abuse on a regular basis.
How can I help her face her psychological issues without her hitting the bottle? Right now I'm also worried that her situation is actually getting better but she's still hitting the bottle.
On another side note, she does have regular psychiatric therapy and recently she has gone through shock treatment.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading. :)
Alcoholism you can do nothing about, being an enabler you can! I would strongly urge you to go to an Al-Anon or AA meeting. These people who are alcoholics themselves, can teach you what you need to do. I can tell you right now, its not your job to "save" her ass, or any part of her body. The more you save her, the more she's going to drink. The more her friends support her drinking, the worse its going to get, no matter WHAT you do.
While it might feel likes its your problem, it is not. It's hers, Her childhood issues are just that. Sorry to sound tough, but the fact of the matter is, many, many women have gone through the stuff she has, and do not drink. Only she can make the decision to stop drinking and do something about it, then cope with her issues.
In the end, you have to understand the more you do to attempt to get her to stop drinking, the more you are enabling her to. Remember this, if you do decide to go to a meeting, this is what you will hear. THey will teach you the best way to cope with her. Trust their judgment, they've been there (in many cases) a very long time.
the best thing you can do is hit a al-lon meeting for your self.
i understand you want to help her . (I have did the same thing at one time and her life became my life)
al-lon is about helping yourself. i have been going for almost a year now and it has been a blessing for me.
Good for you!! I'm proud of you...what a positive step!
Thank you so much for all the responses. I feel that she wants to help herself and she is doing what she can when she is sober. She has improved over the last couple of months and has spotted her drinking during the work days but she still hits the bottle heavily on the weekends.
Most people will just tell me to break it off but I don't know I still see the light inside her. She's still fighting for some semblance of normalcy out of her personal chaos.
Bottom line is...YOU...can't help her. It's admirable that you want to love and support her..but she doesn't love HERSELF..so therefore will continue a downward spiral. She has to understand that what happened to her doesn't make her WHO SHE IS as a person. She has to understand and realize her worth. You can't do it for her, although all of us want to help and save our loved ones from pain.
Please do what you need to do, to take care of yourself, and if it means leaving her, then you may have to. It doesn't mean you don't love her...actually that's how you SHOW her you love her...tough love. It's hard, but it works. I'll keep you in my thoughts.