if it was me i would just keep it at a friend leave nothing more. it sound like it could turn into a emotional affair. and right now you need to keep your head right and keep working on yourself.

Keep away. You do not want to do anything to hurt a 15 year relationship

Rozeo, I have come to see you as an intelligent, compassionate, caring woman. I think you know what you need to do.
Pretend for a moment that you are the woman she has been in a 15 year relationship with, consider her feelings, what would she want you to do.
What actions do you need to take to feel really good about yourself.
You are smart.

Ok, I did n ot want to include this in here but this person in the relationship with her and consistantly cheated and is physically abusive to her. I know two worng dont make a right and NO, I do not want an affair at all. But, I would like to be her friend, I would like to see her happy either way. I just dont know if we can be only friends. I have never been in a situation before where I am attracted to a friend and it is mutual.
I would NEVER step on anyones toes, but I wont lie and say I dont wish she would get away from the abuser/cheater.

Hmmm.

She's told you that she is in an abusive/cheating relationship and yet Stayed in it for 15 years??....something ain't right in the bell tower my dear. This is all very funky to me. This friend who you just got back in touch with and for some reason you already trust (?), could very well be lying and making 'excuses'.

What IS certain, is that she is hiding you from her partner and going over the top (as you have stated) with her words. Pure and simple reality.

If she's so miserable, why hasn't she left after 15 years? Is she going to use you as a soft landing or simply as a F*ck Buddy? Why isn't she being open with her partner? Upon meeting you.. what does make her and who's really the 'cheater' ?

All of us are standing on the outside looking in, and I know it's hard for you see exactly what's before you. But, I do believe you are getting the real deal from some people here who care about your personal progress and who have 'been there - done that' and ain't doin' it again.

((Long Hug)) Think honey. Please Always think and follow your Instincts!!! You know you have some inner healing to do. The Decisions you make right now may not be all that stable. Take More Time.

Hi Rozeo,

Okay, basically just shooting from the hip here, okay? Also, I've got a ton on my mind today so if my writing seems hurried or disjointed, that would be why.

I've read your writing here on the situation. What keeps nagging at my mind in your situation is this sense that you're being used. I don't believe you're being used necessarily in a conscious or deliberate way. In fact, I suspect that if she is using you that she's not really aware of what she's doing. See, I think the "attraction" here, for her at least, is distraction/escapism so she could for a time ignore what's going on in her life and the situation with the person she's with now.

I've been in similar situations like that. I understand and appreciate the sense of utter relief to be able to just forget for a little while whatever hard situation was going on in my life at that moment. Escapism, especially from painful situations, can be a powerful force and can trick people into believing that they're feeling emotions like love and that might not be true.

There could be all kinds of reasons for her not getting rid of her current situation. Maybe the person she's with right now is abusive and she has a very damaged self-esteem or triggers from childhood that might leave her feeling immobilized and helpless to stand up against her abuser.

Maybe it would be an act of kind friendship to push her to get counseling, if she's not already in therapy, and talking about and dealing with the abuse?

It might be a financial reason that's driving her to choose to stay on with the person she's with right now. She might feel too scared to hack it out there on her own. If she left, would she be leaning on you to bail her out, maybe even move in with you then? Would that be a good thing for either of you? -shrugs- You know what I mean?

You asked, can you and she be friends? I believe, yes, you can, but it would probably take a whole lot of work, at least at first and maybe always. From what I can see, there'd need to be a lot of honesty, and establishing and respecting boundaries.

For example, there likely needs to be restrictions on nicknames, like "hon," "sweetie," "love," and so on. It doesn't matter if she or you calls the whole rest of the world "sweetie" or "honey," if there is to be a friendship that maintains and respects the boundaries of friendship, then words of endearment like that are very likely best removed out of the vocabulary.

Especially because there is history between you two and a current attraction, and if the intention here truly is friendship, then it seems necessary that there be absolutely no touching of any kind.

The matter of attraction and respecting boundaries needs to be discussed fully honestly and then mutually agreed upon that you and she will not go *there*. There has to be internal honesty as well. Each must ask themselves can they really truly honor the boundaries of friendship. Not just wishful thinking or good intentions, but actually, fully respect the boundaries of friendship. If that cannot be done, then maybe it is time to walk away from each other completely?

I pray all good luck and good Blessings for you in dealing with this, 'An it harm none, Blessed Be.
Toni~AyniaNightFish...
...Family With My Beloved CroneLunaWulf And All Our Kindred Fur, Feather And Fin Spirits....

If she hasn't told her partner about you then she is cheating. It may not be physical but it's mental. I'd be a little leary about the abuse part. Being her friend isn't a bad thing but she should really tell her partner so it doesn't look and obviously feel so suspicious.

i have been in your shoes and i played the game with a girl in early twentys. she said the same thing to me. i know now that she just wanted some attention. if she is being abused tell her to leave . i bet she will give you every excuse she can. sorry but i really think i would keep my boundries with her or you will just get hurtin the long run . sorry you are going through this. take care of yourself hun. are you still working on recovery if you are you don`t want to go from one addiction to another

First I want to say TY all so much for advice and sharing experiences with me. I am yes still in recovery, maybe this has been a distraction for me? All I know is I am feeling VERY confused and un easy about the whole thing. On one hand she has helped bring me out of my shell and I am getting out and talking to others and on the other hand I dont know. The emails continue at at the end of them she always puts letter and wont tell me what they mean. (teenage) anyway the last letters said FILWU. I truly hope that dont mean what I think it might.
I also ask myself that if someone can be this sneaky in a 15 yr relationship, how could I ever trust them? I do know from the past she was sweet and the type to never want to hurt anyone. I have also been told yesterday she told the girlfriend she is gonna meet up with me. The g/f she says is jealous bcuz she told her long ago how she was inlove with me *I didnt know* I knew she had feelings but not the extent.
I just know that more and more I am feeling in easy around her and her asking to hold my hand in the car made me feel I was commiting a crime. NO, she is not financialy dependantm infact she has a very high status job that pays Very well. The g/f has not worked in years though. I have always regretted losing her friendship, and now I just dont know which way to go. Again and I have made this VERY clear to her (I WILL NOT HAVE A FLING or mess with soeone who is attached) I AM NOT LIKE THAT.

hello rozeo,
though I have not chatted with you i respect your honesty with yourself. that takes courage. in the stillness of your day, your god voice, innermost voice will answer all your questions........always. accept it, rely on it and prosper from it.

Rozeo,
I'm going to join the choir on this one - listen to that inner voice of yours. It's not only trying to get your attention, but also trying to keep you safe. And, to be honest, the more I read of this person, the more uneasy *I* get *for* you.
Personally, I'd do what I could to take an extended break from them. Something like a month of no contact, if at all possible. Give yourself a chance for quiet reflection without pressure or influence from anyone else. You know what I mean?
I'm sending prayers for Blessings your way, 'An it harm none, Blessed Be.
Toni~AyniaNightFish...
...Family With My Beloved CroneLunaWulf And All Our Kindred Fur, Feather And Fin Spirits....

Hi Rozeo,

Wow, youve gotten so much great dvice here already! I don't know trhat I can add more insights than youve been given here....But in all honesty....i will agree withh others......listen to your gut instincts and folllow your intuition, not just your heart or attraction.. If you feel uneasy?

Then, please pay attention! there good reason for those emotions!! Trust yourself to make the right choices and remember, if she can lie to her partner and act flirty with you while in a committed partnership? How could you even trust her.... should she ever become available? I think deep in your heart & soul...you already KNOW the right thing & best thing to do in this situation......

Best of luck & blessings to you,

Jess

-nodding, agreeing with Jess- Thanks for talking about the deception issues/point, Jess. I forgot about that. Bless your heart!
Toni~AyniaNightFish...
...Family With My Beloved CroneLunaWulf And All Our Kindred Fur, Feather And Fin Spirits....

Yes, I think I may have to end this friendship. I have mentioned this to her already and she said it would make her very "upset", but my instincts are telling me this is just not a good situation and I was so hurt in my last relationship that I cant take anymore pain even if its just from a friendship. I do have some thinking to do and I am going to tell her today that the texts and emails need to slow down while I think this situation over. It is ashame because if she were single I truly would date her and think she would b a great person in my life, but this is NOT the case here. Maybe God has a reason we kept missing the right times to b in one anothers life?? I think I will take time to think and at the same time keep talking to the other new people in my life. I am not ready to jump in a relationship with anyone but do need friendships. I am so glad for all of you here, to bounce things off of and you all give GREAT opinions and advice too with out judging me, I appreciate that (((hugs))). Blessings to all.