Ah the red button issue once again. A lesbian trying to explore bisexuality with a bisexual is impossible for the emotions always get in the way, or at least that is my experience. I am not bisexual. But recently a thread was started here on this topic and in the introduction the author got around to this question: Why wont lesbians date bisexuals? So, to help the thread, I gave what I had learned from life, that is, what I had picked up from AE. Well, one of the most important people to me, on this gay road I am traveling, helped me through one of those crises that all young gay people seem to have to go through and we began a wonderful pen pal relationship. She was bisexual. She had been married, divorced, and then found the love of her life. They had been together for four years and were hoping to get married this summer. Well, she did not take kindly to my remarks, and now she is gone. It was very confusing to me, for she actually agreed that SOME bisexuals were the things that I pointed out, but she was unwilling to allow that as a reason for being gun-shy about dating someone who was bisexual (that is just being uninformed and prejudiced, she said. Hers was a view that I felt was just unrealistic).

For me, the problem stems from the definition of bisexual, that is, someone who is sexually attracted to BOTH sexes. From here I go, well I am a lesbian and by definition, I am sexually attracted to women. So I think about my living without a female lover and extrapolate that to someone who is bisexual. Arent they going to feel the same way, living life without a male AND female lover? If they have a relationship, are they not going to, sooner or later, NEED a member of the opposite sex, to satisfy that desire? And here is where AE came into play, for there was so much support for this view. Bisexuals who indeed wrote in about having a husband and girl friend at the same time; flitting from one relationship to another depending on their interest at the time, etc. (as one explained it, their phases). It is how I came to my views. Still, I had this nagging problem: my friend. She had a girlfriend in college, until the gf left; she was married to a man for seven years, before he left; now she was in a four year relationship with a woman and wanted to get married, fully satisfied in her relationships. In none of these relationships did she yearn for someone from the opposite sex. How does she fit into my assumptions of bisexuality?

I changed the definition: bisexual is someone who is attracted to EITHER sex. This, for me, comes much closer to the bisexual mantra, it isnt the sex, it is the person. This becomes very abstract for people who are not bisexual. I came to believe it is impossible for us to understand this, this ability for some to be sexually malleable, fitting into a relationship, whether that is a homosexual or heterosexual relationship, and be happy there. Currently, I am in the process of acquiring sufficient support for this view, for when I do, I dont need to understand it, I will just be able to accept it as true, in the same way that straight people cant understand my homosexuality, but they can accept it. I mean, dont we all acknowledge it isnt about the sex, but the person we fall in love with?

All of this, is a very long-winded way of saying that you can not draw any conclusions about this person when she tells you she is bisexual. How that possibly plays out for her is as varied as, well, her saying she is gay. (Gays can be notoriously unfaithful too, well, people, come to think of it.) I, like you, said that I would not date a bisexual. That changed with what my friend said to me, and others here who gave me examples of long-term monogamous relationships where one partner is bisexual. And I am watching a couple on youtube. One is bisexual one a lesbian. They have been going out for several years now, and they vlog their relationship. This year they engaged to be married. It is a beautiful love affair. Will they be happy-ever-after? So it would seem. My advice is dont prejudge your friend. Approach her as anyone else. Try to answer the question, are we compatible the same as you would with anyone you were beginning to have an interest in, through conversation.

Here is a video of my vlogging couple:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gb8rAnuvAOw&list=TLg_5FxxKUvm3s8vxJikY3H3CbSxDFKGYO

After watching, ask yourself, Where would this relationship be, if Rose didnt date bisexuals?

Hope this helps.

-C