Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
I have an issue in my relationship that is starting to bubble over. In fact last night it kind of did.
I am newly "out" and in my first lesbian relationship. My girlfriend is a terrific person. She can make friends with people in an instant and is just a very cool person that other people are drawn to. She is very popular and her friends are all amazing. They have all welcomed me very warmly and I like them all a lot. She is also very close with her family.
I, on the other hand, have very few friends and estranged from most of my family. I am the adoptive parent of my now 18-year-old sister and she is the closest/most important person to me. I am 5 years older than my gf and her friends are all about her age or a little younger.
So, the problem (as best as I can tell it because describing it is very muddled for me at this point): we naturally spend a lot of time with my gf's friends and family as opposed to mine. I like to go out with her and love the people in her life, as I've said. When we are out together, it's not that she "ignores" me or "shuns" me. It's not anything rude or malicious. Rather, it's that she doesn't include me in conversations. She has a lot of history with these people and will share laughs over inside jokes she has with people or memories they have together but she rarely turns to me to even make eye contact with me during these conversations. She doesn't really even share anything about me with these people over the course of entire evenings. So I'm left feeling like an outsider while she is the life of the party (in my eyes).
Other couples we go out with chit chat with each other here and there and share things about their significant others with the group. I understand that it's not always appropriate in gay relationships for PDA but I am a very communicative person so I very much need the verbal component of a relationship in order to feel loved and fulfilled. I had found a very cool birthday gift for one of her friends (to be presented from us as a couple, of course) and waited a long time to be able to give it to her friend. So Friday her friend was about to open the gift when my gf strikes up a conversation with a stranger and started showing this person pictures of a DIY project she had done with her ex-gf. I was so hurt! Then last night, we are out with a couple of her friends, I decided to listen to the live music instead of try to force myself into the conversation. I got a little tipsy and my gf was being the social conversationalist she normally is with other people. By the end of the night, the mix of the booze and the mood brought me to full-blown tears in the car. I am very embarrassed as this is not the way I wanted to broach the topic. She, naturally, seems a little shell-shocked. There was no fight or arguing - just a lot of tears on my part and no words on hers.
I have a hard time communicating to her exactly what is making me feel this way without it sounding like nit-picking or unnecessary criticism. She tries very hard to include me in events, introducing me to people, etc. Am I the crazy girlfriend? Is this an irrational feeling given the circumstances? What is the solution?
I am newly "out" and in my first lesbian relationship. My girlfriend is a terrific person. She can make friends with people in an instant and is just a very cool person that other people are drawn to. She is very popular and her friends are all amazing. They have all welcomed me very warmly and I like them all a lot. She is also very close with her family.
I, on the other hand, have very few friends and estranged from most of my family. I am the adoptive parent of my now 18-year-old sister and she is the closest/most important person to me. I am 5 years older than my gf and her friends are all about her age or a little younger.
So, the problem (as best as I can tell it because describing it is very muddled for me at this point): we naturally spend a lot of time with my gf's friends and family as opposed to mine. I like to go out with her and love the people in her life, as I've said. When we are out together, it's not that she "ignores" me or "shuns" me. It's not anything rude or malicious. Rather, it's that she doesn't include me in conversations. She has a lot of history with these people and will share laughs over inside jokes she has with people or memories they have together but she rarely turns to me to even make eye contact with me during these conversations. She doesn't really even share anything about me with these people over the course of entire evenings. So I'm left feeling like an outsider while she is the life of the party (in my eyes).
Other couples we go out with chit chat with each other here and there and share things about their significant others with the group. I understand that it's not always appropriate in gay relationships for PDA but I am a very communicative person so I very much need the verbal component of a relationship in order to feel loved and fulfilled. I had found a very cool birthday gift for one of her friends (to be presented from us as a couple, of course) and waited a long time to be able to give it to her friend. So Friday her friend was about to open the gift when my gf strikes up a conversation with a stranger and started showing this person pictures of a DIY project she had done with her ex-gf. I was so hurt! Then last night, we are out with a couple of her friends, I decided to listen to the live music instead of try to force myself into the conversation. I got a little tipsy and my gf was being the social conversationalist she normally is with other people. By the end of the night, the mix of the booze and the mood brought me to full-blown tears in the car. I am very embarrassed as this is not the way I wanted to broach the topic. She, naturally, seems a little shell-shocked. There was no fight or arguing - just a lot of tears on my part and no words on hers.
I have a hard time communicating to her exactly what is making me feel this way without it sounding like nit-picking or unnecessary criticism. She tries very hard to include me in events, introducing me to people, etc. Am I the crazy girlfriend? Is this an irrational feeling given the circumstances? What is the solution?
The only thing here that you might be guilty of is letting this build up to a breaking point. You don't say if you have discussed this with her before. She can't read your mind. She might think you have been perfectly happy in these get togethers. If on the other hand, this subject has been brought up, then sometimes you have to hit a donkey over the head with a 2x4 to get their attention.
Don't let this become a bigger problem than it is. Hopefully, and it sounds that way from your description, she just wasn't aware of what was happening. Sometimes, people who are really the 'life of the party' are just a little too self absorbed, being that.
Obviously, you two come from very different backgrounds. she is a sociable extrovert who enjoys the comfort of others company to feel fulfilled whereas you are a more 1x1 person...
this issue you are having I see as both of your faults in a way. First off, since you are in a new relationship and your first lesbian one, I feel like you have probably held your tongue on multiple things because you fear messing things up with this new girl. You have let things slide, and in doing so, you have bottled up emotions that just recently released itself because you could not take it anymore.
While you may find it to be nit-picky and unnecessary criticism, you have to realize that, in a relationship, there are things that your partner should know. From the get-go, if you were having problems, you should have told your girl. Perhaps she goes out too much and maybe if you two spent more quality 'alone time', maybe this would help? Also, while not communicating your issues over your insecurities was your bad...her bad was in not including you.
The thing is...when I take my girl out to meet my friends, if an inside-joke is brought up, I have my life, but then I turn to my girl and tell her the story as to where the inside joke came from. I tell her stories about all the people I know, my family, and etc. And the thing is, if the memories or inside jokes are so funny, then her friends wont mind her re-telling the tale, so she should have been doing that so you are in-the-know. Also, while she may get involved into a conversation with other people, she should always take some time for you. whether it's just to get a drink or to kiss you, or even hold your hand or dance with you...there are levels of PDA that are okay, and she should be making this evening special for you, not just letting you stand there silently the whole time.
My final bit of advice...you may not be a crazy g/f, but getting mad over the DIY project was kind of silly. Unless the picture is here making out with her ex or doing something else around this DIY project, there is no reason to be upset. She has a past you weren't involved in and she did something she was proud of, let her show it off! I painted some things in honor of a memory with my ex, but I would never not tell the tale of my paintings or sell them or whatever just because I'm with someone else now. I made a whole table with my ex, and I still have a picture of it and show it off to people today because I was proud of the achievement.
Just because they are an ex does not mean you have to hate them or completely erase their memory. Unless her memories of her ex and etc complicate the way she loves you and treats you, it should never be an issue.
You're not crazy...but it's obvious that both you and your partner have things you both need to work on.
You are probably right that she is just proud of the DIY project and that's why I've heard about the thing a few times.
The ex is a sore spot because she works with the ex, has lunch with the ex everyday of the workweek, she hangs out at the exes house sometimes, she and the ex take pics together/tag each other online, my gf brought me to a party at the exes house without making it clear who I was meeting (not a HUGE deal but shocking because another guest is the one who informed me), and sometimes we hang out with the ex and the group. The ex throws me a little bit of shade. Ultimately, my problem is not with the ex. My gf and I went to her wedding reception together. Lesbians in our area may be a small group but I feel ultimately I have been real cool about this friendship considering I'm coming over from a straight world where these types of scenarios (read "boundaries") are pretty strictly taboo. Also considering that the ex sees my gf more hours in the week than I do (naturally because they work together but bonus because they hangout also) AND because of their history. My gf considers this girl the only one she'd ever loved.
So when you say we have some things to work on you're not lying. I'd like any feedback on this other piece of it because after telling my gf my feelings and basically needing to copy/paste my original message as Charlize suggested because the "discussion" got so off-track, she now doesn't understand that I don't mind the friendship with the ex - I'm only looking for a little more respect and consideration of my feelings in this relationship. I'm at the point now that if wanting my feelings to matter makes me crazy, or needy, or "such a girl", then Ohhh welllll...