Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
I have been dating this girl for close to 2 years, recently an old male friend of my girlfriend's reappeared in her life telling her that he's still in love with her after so many years. I understand my girlfriend used to hang out with him a lot as friends but they had a misunderstanding and fell out then. Also my girlfriend has rejected his feelings for her many times.
Recently there has been some problems between me and her and I know she has been confiding to him a lot about my problems with her. This makes me very uncomfortable and we got into more fights because of this matter. Also there was one time I found out she lied to me when she told me she was going home but actually she went out to meet him. I figured she might not have told me because she knew I was going to get upset, which I did.
My girlfriend seems desperate to keep her friendship with him and I know she has rejected his feeling for her plenty of times. I mean they knew each other before she even met me. Am I thinking too much? It just seems strange to me that a friend could mean that much to her, I just keep thinking is she really just feeling very platonic towards him but very close? Or is there something else she is hiding?
Aside from this my girlfriend is rather attractive therefore she has a lot of male 'friends'. In fact most of her close friends are male. I don't know if this is a problem as well, because I've told her before that these guys seem to want to be more than friends with her and they often disregard my relationship with her just because she's pansexual and I'm a lesbian. There was even one ex male friend of hers that nearly raped her, thankfully she wised up after that incident and never spoke to him ever again.
To give anyone else who is reading a fair opinion of my girlfriend, I need to tell you that I have been cheated a couple of times before in my past relationships hence my paranoia of these things happening again. My friends keep telling me unless she admits to it or I have proof that she is really cheating on me I should just brush it off otherwise it would lead to the destruction of the relationship.
I would very much like to trust my girlfriend to let her go out with her male friends even the one that has been in love with her for so many years but I need to know if I'm the one with the problem or its her.
Recently there has been some problems between me and her and I know she has been confiding to him a lot about my problems with her. This makes me very uncomfortable and we got into more fights because of this matter. Also there was one time I found out she lied to me when she told me she was going home but actually she went out to meet him. I figured she might not have told me because she knew I was going to get upset, which I did.
My girlfriend seems desperate to keep her friendship with him and I know she has rejected his feeling for her plenty of times. I mean they knew each other before she even met me. Am I thinking too much? It just seems strange to me that a friend could mean that much to her, I just keep thinking is she really just feeling very platonic towards him but very close? Or is there something else she is hiding?
Aside from this my girlfriend is rather attractive therefore she has a lot of male 'friends'. In fact most of her close friends are male. I don't know if this is a problem as well, because I've told her before that these guys seem to want to be more than friends with her and they often disregard my relationship with her just because she's pansexual and I'm a lesbian. There was even one ex male friend of hers that nearly raped her, thankfully she wised up after that incident and never spoke to him ever again.
To give anyone else who is reading a fair opinion of my girlfriend, I need to tell you that I have been cheated a couple of times before in my past relationships hence my paranoia of these things happening again. My friends keep telling me unless she admits to it or I have proof that she is really cheating on me I should just brush it off otherwise it would lead to the destruction of the relationship.
I would very much like to trust my girlfriend to let her go out with her male friends even the one that has been in love with her for so many years but I need to know if I'm the one with the problem or its her.
I have no problems with her doing her things but as much as I love her she has made some very stupid choices in our relationship which has led me to doubts. I do not wish to control her and I know she has picked me out of all these men. Maybe it was my poor choice of words but I have never ordered or demanded that she could or could not do something, I have only told her about my discomfort with her doing certain things. I find it odd that she gets angry when I just want to talk peacefully about how I feel but instead of reassurance she gets angry at me. This usually leads to an escalating fight.
This is a tough situation to be in, simply by virtue of the length of the relationship. The thing is, she lied to you in order to go meet this guy. For me, lying is a deal breaker. You are not mistrusting her for "no reason". she's done something to cause mistrust. And in this case, if she cheats it could deadly for you if she gets aids...or another sexually transmitted disease. Being pansexual is not a problem, unless of course she crosses the line while dating you.
What I find is if you tend to have partners that cheat on you, it smacks of your needing to find out why you would keep accepting people like this in your life. I was on the fence as you told your story, until you mentioned you've been cheated on before. We have a tendency, as humans, to repeat our mistakes over and over, if we don't get into counseling and figure out WHY we are doing this. In your case, it seems the women you choose are not faithful, and it would make me question if this one is too.
You're not wrong in questioning it. Be careful...
Thank you for your kind words, yeah I've been wondering that myself too. I don't actively go out to find people who would cheat on me but its something I find out much later in the relationship. Of course this is not to say all my past relationships involved cheating from my partners there were other causes to the break ups like incompatibility or long distance. Perhaps its a common trait this type of girls have and I need to figure out what that is? Attraction to the danger? :p
I'm short on time, but wanted to stop by and suggest something.
Check yourself to see if you are living 'in the moment', hon.
Human beings tend to hold onto the memory of the honeymoon period (those 6 - 12 months of pure euphoric bliss before reality sets in) and it tends to blind us from what's actually taking place 'right now'.
Trust issues come from within. If you know how to trust yourself, you will recognize what it is to trust another. Follow your instincts. Be brave, strong and open. Stand back and observe from a more intellectual place. This will give you clarity and clarity will guide you into your future ~ with or without her.
(hug)
"My friends keep telling me unless she admits to it or I have proof that she is really cheating on me I should just brush it off otherwise it would lead to the destruction of the relationship."
Your friends are NOT A PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP and they are NOT inside your head or heart. If you are having some REAL instincts that she might be cheating, then you need to figure those out. Trust your gut feelings. But if your insecurities are coming purely because of past relationships, learn to let them go.
I will say, that having a "friendship" and letting that other person know details of issues in the relationship is a slippery slop to disaster. Unfortunately I found this out the hard way. I had a "friend". we were best friends for 12 years, even had a few past "moments" where we hooked up. Then I met and married my now wife. But we were having some MAJOR issues and i "confided" in my friend about all the issues. The next thing I know, I cheated on my wife with her.
This was the most horrible mistake I ever made. It wasn't intentional, but the idea is that I "closed the communication door" with my wife but then "opened a window" to my friend.
Your best bet is to have a TALK with her about how you are feeling insecure and how you would prefer she discuss relationship issues with you directly. If communication is ending in fighting, then maybe the 2 of you should see a relationship counselor to gain a better understanding on how to talk to each other.
It's good to hear your perspective from the other side. I suspect that this may partly be the situation and at the same time I feel its also my insecurities plaguing my mind. There are a lot of things I have to consider too as I didn't mention them all in this post. My girlfriend suffers from a severe case of multiple psychological problems and is going through shock treatment as well. This I feel has an adverse affect to the way she makes decisions towards the people around her.
My insecurity thoughts are like 'What if she got confused and cheated on me'. Most days I can keep my insecurities at bay but sometimes these guys get a little too close for my own comfort and I feel angry at her for not respecting me and pushing them away. On the other hand I know she needs all the familiar support she can get.
Catch 22?
Hummm I checked and I don't think so....strangely me and my gf never had a real 'honeymoon' period. From the get go I knew she was deeply troubled. Sometimes I ask myself is she with me because she needs someone or anyone to support her and not because of love. But other times when we're happy and things are going along fine I believe that she really loves me. Maybe these are the things that affects me because I never really know what's going on inside her head.
I have heard enough from her to know that a lot of the problems she faced are things that happen in her past that was not her fault but because no one really addressed it properly she dug herself deeper into her own turmoil and it was only recently anyone really gave a shit (pardon the language).
I'm hearing that talking to friends about your relationship issues is a no no. Am I getting this right? Because i feel directly opposit of that. Friends have your back, friends help you work through things, good friends help you sort through the bullshit and get to the real stuff, sort of like a counselor.
While I agree a person needs to speak with their partner first,some can't for a multitude of reasons, that's where the friends come in. THey help you see the light...and push you (metaphorically) back toward your partner.
As for Miss her, I feel for your situation terribly. You broke a sacred trust, and pay dearly for it today. But understand something, friends are not those you might sleep with. Friends are the ones who support you, good friends see your pain and do what they can to help ease it. NOT someone who has their own agenda and takes advantaage of a person when they are down.If this ex was really a friend, she would NEVER have taken you to her bed, NEVER. While you are culpbable as well, you really can't call her a friend....I know I would never come between a friend and her partnership, not in a mintue nor a lifetime. Find real friends Miss.....some will be right here. but remember the real friends have your back...they don't want you on your back.