I have KS. I am intersexed. I am more male than female, but this dichotomy gives me pause still. A whole rush of feelings came up within the last hour after starting to fill out a form for work that asked participants to write in their gender. I enjoy the freedom to self-describe, a freedom that we all should enjoy. The problem is I don't know how to describe my gender? I'm not trans, but I'm also not cis. I'm intersex, but the identity label or rather the explanatory story that comes with it varies immensely. I assume that people who read "intersex" generally don't have a good idea about what it connotes. Also, "intersex" is an umbrella term itself; within it I am still somewhat lost. The majority of the intersex conversation is about the terrible surgeries that children have undergone without choice or being pressured to receive surgeries (if they or their families can afford it). My point here is that KS individuals may be considered by others to be somewhat "blessed" or "lucky" in the spectrum of intersexed people. Of course, as you all neither "blessed" or "lucky" is adequate.
I first learned I had KS in my early teenage years. A bad time to learn about such a diagnosis, considering I was going through puberty, was sexually active, and learning to be a man. Learning of the diagnosis then without any support, counseling, but being told I have a "syndrome" was traumatic. It haunted me then and still today. Though it is something I have compartmentalized in good and bad ways. It affects me still, not always, but I am who I am, and that will not change.
Now, what to write in as my gender? Male? Sure, I identify as male often. Only to some family and friends have I identified as intersex male. I've tried identifying as gender-expansive male, but I feel I get put in and lost among the LGBT universe. I support them, but I'm I don't feel equally supported or represented. It's not just that the "I" gets left out of the name LGBTQIA, which it does all the time. It's that intersexed people do not have good representation nor are people advocating for our inclusion, even if nominal, on our behalf. Even in spaces of LGBTQ friendliness, I as a person with KS or DSD or intersex male don't feel included.
This, in part, is why I am hesitant to self-describe as intersex male for my gender, publicly or on forms. I'm hesitant for people to 1) assume what that means; 2) figure out what that means in terms of my "symptoms" (since a majority of the conversation is concerned with our bodily differences e.g. What's wrong with us? What we can and cannot do? What we have less or more of? What ails us? ...etc.); 3) ask to use my identity to bolster their "diversity" for marketing purposes. Intersex-identity is not very visible unless you know what you are looking for and are consented to view the areas that make KS apparent (e.g., romantic partners, some doctors). *I write "some" because doctors have inflicted trauma on me, even as an adult. Examinations can be traumatic, especially with doctors who have little to no experience with KS. Still, to many people I look like a cismale and I am often treated like one. Expected to perform like one; to think and act like one. I'm sure I do sometimes, after all gender is also a social construction. Though, many times I do not, but these nuances are overshadowed by other people's assumptions, insecurities, and possible ignorance. I am heterosexual and I identify with my feminity. Not just because I have XX chromosomes as well as one Y, but I do feel my feminity is enhanced by this. To be clear, masculinity and femininity are within us all no matter our gender and sex. I understand masculinity and femininity as being something that is up to us how to grow, shape, and define. To decide whether we choose to be who we are fully in whatever way that is or if we choose to conform to societal norms, standards, pressures... it's up to us and it is also structured by myriad factors and forces. I cannot speak for other people's experiences, but I do feel connected deeply to the femininity of my XXY experience, despite being born male with male phenotype and physical features, as well as living my life as male. There's a spirituality to it; a psychology to it that's hard to explain. I haven't developed these thoughts out and I'm not sure if it's good to try to isolate the XXY part of who I am? It feels false to do so, in part, because I would be doing so using constructs that do attend well to who I am. Constructs e.g. normed gender male or female traits, which do not account for me and people like me. It's difficult.
Anyway, I've written a lot already. I don't expect this to be read, but if you do read it leave a comment about whatever you want. I am considering starting an anonymous blog about my experience living with KS. A blog where I can theorize about my intersex/KS life. A place where I can talk about my multiple sites of liminality. More comedically and relatedly talk about my inner experience with dating and romantic partnerships as a straight [intersex] male. It has been challenging. I don't do poorly, but boy have I had to be quick-witted and creative, sometimes. I have some interesting stories. Some real long term, future fears about infertility and finding a partner despite that real possibility. There's a lot to discuss along the dating front. Just know that it can be mentally challenging, but ultimately no one knows that you have KS unless you tell them, you date an observant medical professional, or by some other chance. No need to put pressure on yourself about it, it will come up -- at least it has for me. And yet, I'm still happily dating. Hope you've enjoyed the read, thus far. Perhaps look our for more to come. We shall see.
As a follow up to my last post, here are a few good tips on spotting AB/DL users.1. Immediate personal questions. As soon as an AB/DL person adds you, they may start immediately asking very personal questions about your continence issues in private messages, rather than on an open forum. This should be a serious red flag.2. A fixation with discussing diapers. We all know that diapers are only one...
hi do you wet every night ? or just the odd night here and there or have you become dry ?as for myself iam now back to wetting every night as i came off my pills