“ Once in his life, every man is entitled to

fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead. ”


~Lucille Ball

One of my favorites is Sinbad
http://splitsider.com/2013/04/keeping-it-clean-the-comedy-of-sinbad/

We ask for way too much stuff - way too much stuff. You got a job making $100 a year and bought a house for $3 million. Talking about, 'I don't know what happened with the payment.'

Sinbad

Jeff Foxworthy Biography !



I have never been jealous.
Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.


You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not, ' Professional ' any more.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair.
Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, ' You know, we're alright.'
We are dang near royalty.

Red Skelton:

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

The last fight with my wife was my fault. She asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

On wives: ''Webster wouldn't have written his dictionary if it wasn't for his wife. She was always saying, 'What's that supposed to mean?' ''

''People in hell,'' he once wondered aloud before an audience. ''Where do they tell people to go?''

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

Quotes:
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being. Good Night & God Bless!

Ellen DeGeneres


I don't understand the sizes anymore.
There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had.
It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
[ Funny Clothing Quotes]
***
I gotta work out.
I keep saying it all the time.
I keep saying I gotta start working out.
It's been about two months since I've worked out.
And I just don't have the time.
Which uh..is odd.
Because I have the time to go out to dinner.
And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test.
And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

***
I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten.
I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years.
It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

***
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

***
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.
o procrastinate now, don't put it off.

***
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

***
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens.
We can't be the best that creation has to offer.
I pray we're not all there is.
If so, we're in big trouble.

***
In the beginning there was nothing.
God said, 'Let there be light ' !
And there was light.
here was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

***
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months.
For one thing, there's morning sickness.
If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

***
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother.
She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

***
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them.
But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

***
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang.
Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line.
Once she said: " God Bless you " I said, " I didn't sneeze " She looked deep into my eyes and said, " You will, eventually."
And damn it if she wasn't right.
Two days later I sneezed.

***
Really, he called me that ?
Ellen DeGenerate ?
I've been getting that since fourth grade.
I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

***
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, " I can't believe you don't remember me " !
I'm like, ' Oh Dad I'm sorry ' !

***
People always ask me, ' Were you funny as a child ' ?
' Well, no, I was an accountant. '

***

I loved Bill Cosby. He had a story about "Who Broke the Bed" It was so funny to me because the same thing happed to me and my sister. And when I heard his story I fell out! Still love Abbot & Costello. :)