Jealousy Support Group
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat. If you or a loved one may have an issue with jealousy, this community is a good place to start exploring the issue and get support. We're here for...
Hello and thanks in advance for any thoughts and suggestions.
My partner (female) and I (male) of two years are exploring the uncertain waters of transitioning from a purely monagomous relationship to an open relationship. She has recently shared a desire to explore an open relationship with other men (and possibly women). I wish to support her in her self-discovery while remaining true to myself yet am keenly aware of fears and insecurities regarding feelings of jealousy, rejection and disappointment. These are most strong when I hear her desiring and getting her needs met by another (especially if it is another male). I have spoken with fellow guy friends whose experience and advice I generally value and am repeatedly encouraged to end the relationship before I'm continued to be treated like a "dickless-pussy of a doormat". I'm struggling with a paradox of wanting to allow my inner cave-man to throw its defensive, protective tantrum with copious amounts of masculine flair while at the same time honoring the extensive nuances of sexuality and ability to love through challenging differences.
If there are any others whom have struggled with navigating jealousy through similar transitions I welcome any advice and suggestions on how to best support myself and this relationship with love and compassion. Thank you.
I've had such a remarkably similar experience. Though in my case, we started out poly, or 'open' rather, and ended up monogamous.
Starting our relationship was a fluke, a meeting in France. I, american and male, her italian, it was easy to try and be poly/open because of the long distance.
As time went by, and visits to and from were made, more serious feelings developed. I, being in the traditional monogamous mindset, found it increasingly difficult to accept the open sexual relationship we had. Though i had the comfort of knowing our relationship wasn't truly polyamorous, in that we only had limited sexual encounters and not fully invested intimate relationships, it was still quite difficult to hear the news that she'd slept with another man.
So i understand how difficult it is to process that news.
In the end it became too difficult for me to handle, and through communicating my suffering she decided to switch over to a monogamous relationship style with me.
I could explain more about our situation, if you reply and would find it useful, but i suppose i can simply offer you what advice i have.
And on an aside, you should be proud of yourself for even considering something that challenging. Most typical jealous, monogamy-driven men in wouldn't have even tried, and that shows you are approaching it with an open and matured attitude.
I tried to approach this in the way you described, by supporting her self discovery while keeping an open mind about the sexual nuances in modern relationships. It is a noble thing to do, though it may not yield the most desired results. Being overly attentive to another's desires, and sacrificing your own in the process, is not healthy for you or your relationship. It may feel honorable, and it is to a degree, but if the ultimate goal is to preserve this relationship you have, then this will only delay an inevitable confrontation you must face.
Communication is the most important thing here. I would advise you to be open with your partner about your feelings of doubt, jealousy, fear of abandonment, etc. If you are willing to try and explore this poly or open relationship, then let her know that too. But perhaps ask if things could be treated a bit more delicately. For example, when she must tell you of a recent sexual encounter you had, to do it gently and with a gentle approach. Or to keep you informed about her intentions with a new prospect.
But if you communicate your feelings, and you give it a try and it continues to be too hard to bear, then it may be time for another difficult conversation.
I tried to handle this burden of loving a poly/open minded person all on my own for over a year. It had it benefits, for me as well as her, but it also had its deficits. And the deficits in this case proved to be unendurable for me. So eventually i had to discuss this with her.
Luckily in my case, when she found out that i had been trying to accommodate her needs at the utter devastation of my mental health, she recanted all desire to pursue poly/openness because the extent of pain it caused me wasn't worth it. She didn't know how much it was hurting me to be aware of her relations with other people, and when she found out it crushed her.
I would suggest that you try not to hold those feelings inside longer than a day or two. Maybe a week or two if you really want to give it your all. But in the end, you are a part of this relationship too and your feelings are just as important. It isn't fair for your partner to be accommodated at all costs, especially if your happiness in the relationship is one of them. Be aware of your needs and don't neglect them.
Again, communication is key. If you both love each other, or desire to continue your relationship, you may often find a compromise in many issues you face together. But this one is inherently difficult to compromise on. There is no part of monogamy that allows for any part of polyamory / openness. Polyamory is strictly in opposition to monogamous ideals. This means, most likely, one of you will have to conform to the other. Whether you are able to deal with these issues with her support, or if you are not. If you are not, then she will need to be willing to forsake her poly intent and be satisfied with a monogamous relationship with you. This something you two will need to discuss. Otherwise, the only other options are to separate, or allow one of you to suffer. And that's not healthy, or fair to either person.
Feel free to reply and ask for more info. It seems our situations are very similar and i may be able to help. Good luck