He uses it as jsutification and feels victimized. To him what he says is no big deal.
In the morning he says that hie beatings were insignificant and playful like he would beat a brother in a playful fight. Yet my body hurts. He says his words are no big deal whil they hurt me really deep. His regular irritability is something he ofte denies yet I feel it and feel bad that he won't always tell me whats irritating him and so I can clarify. He does not wait to check if I am really in teh wrong or mant what he perceived. If I take the remote from his hands he loses it. Duing a fight he tries to avaoid me by focussing on something like his phone or drinking milk.
I have taken that awy to get him to pay attention to me and listen. He often beats me up right after that. Now I tell him not to ignore me as it hurts me. Yet he believes that I should change.
When I tried takig away his milk cup to show him itsno big deal in a cool and mature way to let him know that it was not worth beating me over, he tried to take away my marriage necklace and wedding ring!!!

He removed his wedding ring and calls himself unmarried keepsmentioning to me the marriage is over in a fught or at any little fight at teh drop of a hat which hurts me deeply. He hasno control over his acid tongue and feels victimized that I react. He doe snot respect or honour my feelings.
He finally did taka awy my marriage necklac and attemppted to take away my wedding ring.

Only later on he tend sto feel much remorse and I feel compasiosn/pity and love and hope.

He called the cops on me once when he provoked me and got freaked and ezcalated things and blew exaggerated what I did...that was many months ago.
Yet he tried to threaten me with that again. Although HE beats me up. He tells me that his brusies show and I would get into trouble. Like I did. This is the first time in my life any cop had come to me. I have been a super professionala nd sophisticated person. Never been in the wrong.
Several other distortions where he fools me and does things that he discounts and tried to get me in trpouble by crying foul aboutw aht I do.
I believe in those times that may be he is not worthy of me and not interested in putting in much into the marriage.
Yet at other imes he has been very supportive around my jeaousy and healing and takes good care of me.

I guess my having 'issues' made him feel OK. Now that I am becoming more confidant and selflovinga nd self worth, he is having to Amp up his act. Which probably frightens him now.
He told me that he grew up in a broken hom full of divorces. And said that the marrige does not mean AS much to me as i might to me...referring to how I might NEED the marriage and how y investment in the marriage and relationship implies that I am needy in some ways.
I told him I can be OK without him. I believe so. Yet tehre is love between us.
Whne I called his mom once when he hit em and I felt frustrated, she gave me back saying she didn't know what I did!!!
Instead of atleast aplogizing for courtesy for what was happening.
Of course I don't want her visting us or them impor=sing on us. I don't think his mom honours me at all
As a doughter-in-law whe never even gave me a single gift...even a cheap one!
I feel that I have not stood upto my self worth so people have tended to see me as needy or weak.
Yet I have an unmistakable and irressistible vulnerability due to my childhood abuse and having to be too independent as a child. And even now I have barely any family support.
I have to stay at a hotel after a physical fight and pay money.
There are a few more things that put me in a vulnerable situation...
I am just becaoming independent.
I do believe in love and marriage...maybe I am polyanna.
I did ebleive he could chage because I believed I could too..and accepting each other in the meantime. He has also overcome things in his life through will and has changed.
The difficulty around him is that he is HIGHLY passive aggerssive and very intelligent and manipulative and play mind games easily adn hurt me emotionallya nd spychologically where it hurts.
He repeats my deepest hurts, wounded beliefs, threatens to call my boss and ruin my career and reputation and create big hurt for me. I don't know.
Neither of us have much money for divorce and I fear him seeing someone if we separate. I beleive it would ebhard for me to get back with him after all this.
Maybe that must not be my bigegst concern. I could find someone more healthy as I get healthy too?
I believed we would both heal and grow and mature together.
Its sad

The biggest job is getting him to see what he is doing is wrong and his justifications are based on lies and distortions.
Like when I try ti get him to see how he escalated things, he focuses on things I did once the figt was escalated. He focuses on things that I did after he hurt me so bad. I have learned to refarain a lot now.
Yet its hard sometimes.
Its hard to locate what he does the little nuances, body language faial expressions. He used to abuse me saying I am in his physical space. yet I realized that at the beginning of a fight, he would simply 'walk -in to' me with the pretext of picking up something nearby and he actually ebleives he is picking something up ONLY. And thinks I AM in his way.
Rather than ask for me o move out of the way.
I realized that made me want to stop him. He would then react to me stopping him or touching him with my hands. I realized I did that to stop him. i startedseeing this patterns after many fights.
Guess I have not been very aware of HOW exactly eh manipulates and distorts things, plays fair and doe snot own up to what he does immediately. So I go after him to make hi admit it. He complains that I can't let thinsg go. I complain that I will let things go if its acknolwedged that he did it.
He is so smart that its insidious his abuse and hard for me to see in the moment. I am more open and direct.

He also perry emotionally unavalibale and although not very jealous. He is not that much able/ willing to take responsibility for his
WANTING ME and this marriage. I beleiv he does. And his ctions show that. He is willing to dow aht it takes and willing to not wath senstive things with me on TV and do anything to trigegt jealousy and willing to work with me on behaviour patters. Yet his disdaina dn fear around marraige (although he DID want to be married, courting me again indirectly) and intimacy and fear of abandonment and getting hurt. So he keeps his things private, is upse if ask him things generally, has been slow and difficult to open up about things in his life and is generally secretive and privat. Of course it makes me feel isnecure and jealous. AS lng as I am willing to be the 'insecure' one, he is willing to 'DO' things FOR ME, like sharing (wow, don't couples do that in general??) or letting me know where he goes,informing me of things like his parents palling to visit us (duh!) sharing about his intens epast and some thngs that would have made me think about goibg ahea with him. It came out slowly.
I know he has agood heart and its his own fears and weaknesses. But as I am growing up and feeling more respect loev and worgt for myself, I am unable to settle for being disrespected anymore. Its like that has to GO now. the person I am cannot coexist with secrecy, diserespet, insults psychological torture distortions or abuse.
Of course he calls me the abuser , (going into offnce lest his side be seen). I get confused and unable o defend. I KNOW he abuses me and withdraws from em.
He is needy and likes to project it rather than value me and us.
He blames me for most things and often brings up jealousy.
My last week was cONTINUOUSLY An almost totally jealous free.
So he can't go back to that. Until I stard marking things on the calender, I blamed my insecuritya nd jealousy as the reason for most problems and felt grateful for his love.
Now I don't believe thats the real story at all. yes I am healing jealousy.
But there were things HE did that disrespected me, like cheking out a girl in shorts BLATANTLY in front of me and forgetting me in the moment on our first real date and a very romantic evening.
I OF COURSE deserve better.
He does not do those things any more.
yet apart from my jealousy and insecurity, he is cold and unwilling to trust me and our marriage and give it and me and real respect and honour deserved.
He plays it safe by stating a littl allof a little private, excluding me...from his friendships and family.
After his parents visit, he continued to talk to him mom every day and they woudl never include me to say Hello.
he always wants to keep me OUTSIDE his life and his real personality, needs and self. I perceive and react to that isolation lack of respect , openness and rejection.
H eis very isnecure in himself and feels inadequate and reacts to perceived criticism and controls at the drop of a hat and its almost like he is doing me a favour by being married to me.
An says he pities me and fell in due to my neediness.
I know that he courted me. I feel in out of compassion for himadn mercy and grace for hima dn his farilities.
I laughed understandably at his feeble attempts to ask me out or be with me.
I believed that with time he would ahve more confidance in hismelf to be a real man.
Yet he only has been shoing his brutal cold and cruel side.
Or does what I want takes care of me and acts sweet.

Only he won't open up emptioally to me in any genuine way.

Maybe sometimes insecurities and jealousies are a way for us to perceive that not everyone has the courage or power to love or respect us the ay we want or put in as muchinvetment as wel do. Having One leg out the door at all times.
No wonder we feel a little unsafe as these are TWO-way streets.
Needing TWO people in the relationship.

That's abuse and you need to get to a shelter and get out of this relationship. And give him a restraining order.

Thanks for the reply. Will write more soon on the update

you need to leave asap please stay with a friend good luck

well that day i went late to work bruised and abump on my head and pretty badly shaken and emotionally very hurt. I stayed the night at a hotel and called someone for guidance counselling. Cost me some money. But it was very helpful. I had to come back home the next day and hubby distraugfht at his own rage an calling for separation. I am sohurt I managed to call frien and my mom whom I don't speak with that openly and just burst out. Fortunately she was very supportive and was my ally. THings got better afterwards and hubby came back remorseful and aiming to be better. We realize that between tuesday and friday the think of teh weekend, often peaking on a thursday whens tresslevels peak there is a big fight.. so we talked about it and were very careful. I even stayed at a hotel on wednesday to avoid stress with commutes. Had very rough workdays and informed hubby I was coming home very tired and stay out of way. Somehow he hot agitated and tehre was a fight. No yelling. No beating. He did jump up when he thought I took his phone. Calmed when I showed him it was mine. Again many mean things, hurt and called for separation, decidng at 1.30am in the mroning. Obviously he didn't mean it. But I was hurt and shattered. He has agreed to go into therapy.

But the reasons apart from his rage have been his fear of control and my jealousies. So I asked him not to use the internet with teh dorr closed in his room lastnight as I was very tired and prone to jealous thoughts. When he got angry I felt insecure and went through his phone, in front of him...nothing suspicious...freinds and me. But it bothers him a lot.
We don't watch TV togethere and very censored. Watch animation or stuff in my language..am not a white gal. he is white. So jealous of any white women he may see...his exes were white
am a brown one...he told me he does not find them too attractive except me...so we watch movies from my end of teh word...still nervous around the actresses...he used to watch news everyday...stopped watching TV...i make him close his esyes while I loom for movies on netflix...so he does not see the covers...
he is now more serious and mindful among female clerks customer service executives ove the phone and does not talk to women in general...white women out of question...or i do believe that...i was doinng well and larning to trust...as my jealousy free days began to pile up on the calender, his pain seems to hve come out. ormaybe he feels threatened. I started doingw ell I o longer 'need' him. I am more sesnitive to his frequent 'put-down' condescension and dismisalls that I took previously feleing unworthy or confused. The power dynamic changed. Yet jealousy has hurt him and us a lot. I am concerned about him going to the gym. So he needs to give me some agreements about not checking oyt anyone. he needs to go to meetings for aa. he is sober but does like to go to them. I had noproblem when we lived in a town (where we met) with mostly men in his meetings and the town was not very poplated with white people. Now we are in a white town and he wants to go to mixed gender meetings. I was scared to death thinkng of how he will share his heart open with some same women everyday...and he is somehwats hutdown to me and shy an scared to say things taht may trigegr my jealousy. Afraid that he will bond in a meeting blaring his heart and soul and meetings omene daily. Never been to an AA. Later he exlained that he does not alk to teh women tehre and tehre is less one-one talks at the meetings. I asked if people hug and if he can refrain from touching anyone there. Ican never go to these meetings. They are Anonymous and heacnnot tell me anything or about anyone there. I am too uncomfortabl with that. He has been going to one meeting which is men only. Not many such available. I asked him to give me information about these meetings and promise not to touch any woman there, hug, handshake, or anything...and not share with women there. He slacked on giving me any info or agreements so could feel safe. But these meetings he likes. He palys music and sings and I got agitated since he kept abandoning me right at the beginning of when moved in with him...to distant pubs and bars where he sang and mad some money. Now I never got taken to any of those...again many white women...and I am very nervoue about the attire. I come from a more conservative culture and found it painful to see women exhibiting skin. Unfortunatley, in the beginning when we were dating he blatantly checked out a girl running on teh side of the stress in shorts. That was a romanticdate and we were getting closer. I wa his girlfriend and sleeping with him. After a bautiful time at a beach, on the way home, he totally locks his esyes on this girl running in teeny shorts, turned around to look at her when we came closer in teh car and continued to look as she ran ahead (at a signal) while she chatetd and smiled at someone. He is smiling too. The whole time he was completely engrossed in that. Did not even look at me. At the end after that girl had left he looke d at me. I had been seeing him all along. I asked and he lied that he was not cheking her out. Anyays, I trusted my intuition and it hurt us later for a long time when he admitetd he was attracted and checking her out! So more afraid of white women in shorts.

Then another female at work...he aid he felt atatracted to her when we were living together. I found out after we were married. Never checked her out or dwelt on he r anything. A first time seeing flash of attraction at seeing her. It hurt me sooo much I was suicidal and hurting very very badly for long. I still hurt some when I see that female around. All this shocked and hurt him too. Now we swore not to talk about that incident. I aw that female and things got trigegred a bit and it came up. Wont talk again but it hurt me a lot when he said it was normal and stuff.To me I can stand my man feeling attarction to someone else and for him to be afithful in mind and though and feelings and be aware. If it happens not to dwell or give it much importance. He married me. So he must have the attitude of a married man. Thats how I see men in general. I am alreday taken. So I don't gawk at anyone esle.

Then I was jealous around his needy dog that didn't let us sleep at night and his affection and attention to it (a female dog) and his mom whom he HAD to call everyday...who was mean to me and colelgues who weret nice to me...it was a living hell...we moved home he went to work elsehwere nd there as much peace and healing...i started flurishing and becoming more independent...and then his rage starts...even more...I see things I didn't befor. He tries to blame it all on me, very smart and manipulative. I am still jalous some. Don' like him seeing papers or pamphlets for pictures of women in ads. Feel uenasy if he is on the computer. Need him to tell me if he goes anywhere. He feels controlled obviousl. And also controlled for things that I don't mean as control at all due to cultural differances. He wants em to trust. But these fights and hurts make me insecure hurt and depressed. And now he is calling out separation at the drop of a hat. He says he is distraugt and depressed. Then he shifts to being nice and loving the next moment. So I am nervous and insecure. Maybe he will find someone to bond with and leae this marriage as he is unhappy but not string enough to ask for what he wants, work things through with me etc. He reads a lot. I told him not to buy anything with sexual content in it. The book he ordered, I was upset that day when I receievd it (after a fight), I looked for sexual stuff found a little and didn't let him read it. If out together he does not look at any woman (especially white and young and stares at the floor or looks elsewhere.

I didn't like him humming along with female singers or blending with their tunes 9he is a singer) or play female singers...I could play them not him. He could not open up music channels without e feeling nervous about female alum covers and stuffpoping up. Sometims thase are somehwat explicit or meant to gather attention. So he doe snot play music freely. Or touch the computer freely. His computer. The more he rebeled the more scared and hurt I got. He has a way of keeping me anxious or agitated and throwing me off balance every now and then...getting agitatd or abusive psychological. I see that and itha sbeen affecting myself esteem. As long as I was jealous the blame was all onto me. But when fights happened for non jealousy reasons it was clear that there was other stuff. But all this makes me more insecure and jealous!:(

I don't ask him about his phone calls to customer service anymore...or about anything at work...had many jealousy-free days...yet sometime sthere are questions...I grade myself. But hisreactions to my progress is making me go back to the 'sick, jealous' one. He feels scared of string indepnedt me and is bullying me putting me down and convincing me of how I am not good and now using the technique of asking for separation every once in a while. He says he will stop saying that now and go for counselling himself. I trust him on that. But if he is feelibg like separating, tahts hurtful and scary to me anyways. Although I can live alone and I have. I just don't want that. We belong togethera nd lve each other. Just too afarid and stuck in a LOT of drama. I am seeking counselling but its soo expensive. Still paying off the amount for the major jealous episode after that female at work...
don't know where to go for counseeling thats affordable. We need marital therapy too. Yet most insurance companies don't cover that. Confused what to do. Tired and exhausted. Now its affecting work which is piling up. Have a gerat boss but I was doing well and then flunder when we have a fight at home!.
Please pray for us.