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donor vs. genetic babies

emmablue
emmablue
Hey ladies. So awhile back I noticed a discussion about whether to tell kids of IVF that they were created using IVF and many people seemed to feel that while they would consider telling about that they wouldn't tell them if they were from donor egg or sperm. I was wondering, why do you think that's better? I ask this because my twins are from donor eggs and I was told by the clinic that a policy of disclosure is best for the children, so that's what my husband and I were planning on doing...but now I am wondering if maybe that's not best? I'd really like some advice because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt my kids psychologically. The donor looked a whole lot like me so people comment on how the kids look like me all the time. Also, for those of you that have biological children and children from an egg donor, do you HONESTLY feel the same towards them? Right now we have no plans for more children but in a few years I can see not preventing it and if it should happen (unlikely but possible) I wonder if I would feel different about a baby that was genetically mine and how that would affect things. I would appreciate honest opinions and if you aren't comfortable posting them publicly, please feel free to message me. Thanks so much!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Emma,

I plan on telling my twins and son. I struggle with trying to keep the information private after I have told the twins. I would love to keep ED private between my immediate family. However, I do not want the twins to feel like ED is something to be ashamed of. I am not sure how I will let them know about ED w/o them telling the whole world. I just want to protect them from other people's potential ignorant comments.

I do have a biological son. I do not feel any different towards him and my ED twins. I really do love them all the same. Sometimes I feel guilty that I do not have as much time to spend with him as I used to now that twins are here. However, that has nothing to do with genetics.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The general wisdom is that it is healthiest for the child to know this information. Often families may wait to tell other people until a later time - because once you tell, you can never un-tell. There are very good discussions on this topic at www.pved.org - an organization just for people who are interested in egg donation.

Wishing you all the best!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have a genetic son and am pregnant with twins from an ED. When we met with the psychologist, we asked her about telling the children. This was a pre-screening that was required before doing the ED process. Dh and I discussed and said that we would tell the children. The psychologist said that it is better to tell them at an earlier age like 6-9yrs old versus as teenagers. I am not sure when we will tell them but we will. The psychologist had given us some information that listed some books for children. We can get them and read them with the kids to help them understand. I need to find that list. I originally thought I would tell them later but now not sure. It really is a personal decision. The only ones that know we used ED are my mom and sister. All other family members think we just did an IVF and we are leaving it at that for now. We don't want our kids to find out from anyone else but us. We decided to tell b/c of medical backgrounds.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I concur with the open policy. I have a son whom I adopted as an infant and I've always been very open about it with him - he's now 4 years old. My second son I had via egg donor and sperm donor and I've also been very open in discussing that with other people in front of both boys. My younger son is now 2 years old. I don't ever want there to be a moment when I have to "tell them" - its just always common knowledge. When friends say that my son has beautiful blue eyes, I say, "The sperm donor I chose had the same amazing eyes, which is part of the reason I chose him!" And so on...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm currently pregnant with twins from ED and we are planning on telling them as soon as they start asking where they came from etc. I have started a baby book with their ultrasounds and some notes from me, including the story of how they came to be. I'm not sure when I'll share it with them, but figured I want to write the stuff down.
emmablue
emmablue
Thank you ladies! After getting many wonderful and thoughtful responses on several groups, my husband and I have agreed that we will tell them as we had planned. I think I will start by reading ""Mommy was your Tummy Big?" as part of their bedtime story routine so that the concept is always there, and then just elaborate as they get old enough to ask questions. Thank you again and all the best to all of you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ha, I bought that book the day we decided to go the DE route. It helped ME cope. Hoping it will be a good way to explain things to Buster, too.

My feeling was always that it shouldn't be shameful, for me or for them. And the best way to make that real was to be upfront and honest from the get-go. But it such a personal decision, and everyone needs to struggle through it in their own way, on their own terms. Good luck!