Hun, I am extremely sorry to hear that you are going through all that negative stuff. Though I need to say this... He sounds like he has some serious Raciest/Anger issues and he needs to confront them himself. Yelling and screaming at you and calling you names is not going to help the situation any. Though I am very afraid you may be in an abusive relationship. *A verbal one that is.

Have you both ever thought about going for counseling ?

counseling gets brought up only when i leave him but we never go. i honestly believe he is a narcisist and a therapist advice would not change his thinking on things at all. honestly as of this morning i dont know how much more of him im willing to take. he has a wondering eye and comments on every female that walks in his view even if im with him and im just to the point where he can go f*&^k himself.
i dont feel appreciated, loved or respected at this point

It is hard to not use racist comments. There are A LOT of terms used that people don't realize that they hurt. Not everyone takes the n-word, the w-word or other racial and ethnic slurs as empowerment. I would suggest counseling, my girlfriend and I (she's black, I'm white) and it worked for us though the issues were entirely relationship based and not based on our different races. More or less our upbringing where she had to work for a lot more things than I...

its never been hard for me to not use racial comments no matter how mad i get.. i may call him a no good mthrfckr or an a##hole but NEVER a racial comment.

White...black...purple pokadotted...no man should treat you like that...and I know its a bit sterotypical but I'll be damned if I would be the sole provider in any relationship and not be appreciated. My boyfriend of three years is black and I am white. We both work and help support each other...I will admit that from time to time we argue about some race issues...mostly because I see the world through rose colored glasses and he has experiences some serious hatred in his life due to race (we are both from a small southern town), but he would never call me a white bitch...or a bitch period....I hate to say it, but this just sounds like an unhealthy relationship regardless of race

I hate to say it but there are some black men who consider having a white women something of a trophy. (course the reverse of this is also true with how some white women are).
From what little you said it sounds like your guy has several problems going on and most of the show a deep lack of respect for you. If you've been with him for 12 years you have swollowed a lot of his shit over that time. I wouldn't/couldn't do it but I know many women do because "they love him" or some crap like that.
What I want you to think seriously about is what this is going to teach your children. You already have a daughter who is learning that men can treat women like shit and get away with it and soon you'll be adding a son who will learn at daddys knee that he can treat women like shit and still be loved.
I hope if you can't get your life on track for yourself you will do so for your kids. For the negative messages they are receiving on both race and sexism

lovely. i seen relationships like these where two people or one person throws a racist comment at the person. i always ask why do u feel this way and why r u with that person? if two people havent sat down and talked about cultural differences and you blame one another about how one culture does this and the other does that, then here comes the racist attitudes, two people dont need to be together because one or both still have racial hang ups!

a closet racist if i may add. i get super mad at my bf who is nonblack but never called him a racial name. the way i see it is why do counseling when two people should have fixed/figured this out for themselves before they got into the relationship? the sad part is a daughter who is already here and a son on the way how the kids will suffer because of their dad. i wonder is he gonna punish his biracial kids too?

I hate that you have been going through this for twelve years.

I don't know why racists choose to date outside of their race. I think it has to have something to do with how they were raised. I have known men that were black and racist but still dated white women and I have as a black woman accidently dated guys that were prejudice. Fortunately for me they showed who they truly were before we got married or had children.

If a person is raised in a racist household they can grow up hearing all kinds of foolish things. I once heard a guy I went to college with say he went out with white girls and treated them bad to get back for slavery. ???What??? I know that sounds stupid but he likely picked it up from some idiot in his family.

I saw a white guy on Tosh.0 asked if he would ever date a black girl. He was quick to say no way but then changed his answer in mid stream and said maybe if she is light skinned. Well I would like to speak for all light skinned women and say we don't need ignorance like his!

I agree with what others have said about looking out for how your children are seeing you treated. Children are very observant and learn from their parents both good and bad traits.

I don't have a solution. I think you are the one that will know best how to fix the situation you are in. If you had a friend that was in the same fix you are in, how would you advise her? You deserve as much as you would advise a friend and more. Good luck!

reply #8,

i agree i always hear white guys say if she is light skin. i hardly see white guys now date light skin blk girls. i see a lot of them date dark skin blk women. i did see a white guy long time ago with a biracial black woman.

i was fortunate to meet someone who has no tolerance for racism and means it. i agree it is about how they were raised and can learn to be "unbrain washed." i have met racists offline when i was single never knowing their true colors until AFTER i met them offline!

i loved it when the true colors came out, i remember one guy screamed at me online arguing with me saying 'your trying to make me sound like a racist when clearly you are a looney tune and dont know shit.' i had those comments all the time. we had gotten into an argument because i found out he wasn't who he said he was and other things. yea, we cursed at each other and got called the N word for "acting like an N." i said how? by using foul language when everybody of any race uses foul language?

he said that was different i said in what way? the problem with him was it seemed like he never had a woman tell him off or stand up to him i did mention that to him he got super mad when i exposed that! lmao

during the argument, i never once called him a racial name. i had no idea what his problem is it seemed he had issues with people all kinds of people. its not someone i wanted to be with or friends with. after that, i immediately blocked him told him to never contact me ever.

i learned being a racist in my home. my mom has such big issues with anybody and everybody. she came from the jim crow era she got a piece of jim crow not as bad as the other southern states got it. she hates white ppl with a passion yet says i love everybody huh? lol

i had a lot of white friends and only 3 blk friends, best friend long long time ago was biracial (mex and japanese). when i was 10, i found out my bf was dating a white woman whom he is now married too. i didnt like it because she is what? white because my mother said it right in front of me after they left and i repeated what she said.

i also liked white guys and again had white guys im thinking how could i say such a thing? see how the racism was learned from my mom? i had to unlearn it from her and learn about people myself. now, i found out my dad is talking shit about mexicans which my sister told me he's been saying that for a long time but wanna sleep with the women and dont find it a problem.

he is also half white/blk and looks white called a cop a cracker cuz he got a ticket this was b4 i was born again my sister told me about it. i said doesnt he call himself white yet hes being racist towards white and he grew up in NY? i dont understand the 2 idiots thinking when my dad would rather sleep with women for free sex well thats any woman he flirts with while still being married to my mom and he hates black women lol

so yea, there are too many closet racists who need to combat their racial ideas they need to go to ADL they have workshops to fix that. my mom has said out loud all of these white ppl its embarrassing how she acts towards ppl she favors black ppl yet calls her kids lying, hello?? we are standing you being super friendly to someone who's black and she said u guys always make me out to be a racist.

i said you are! have you heard what say on a daily basis? she said they were crackers to us i said u were niggers to them! how does 2 wrongs make a right?! she rolls her eyes saying thats what we all grew up with. this is why its very important to sit down and talk about cultural differences and racism b4 getting involved especially if theres gonna be racial name calling going on or using the race card against each other!

id love to be friends with anybody too many ppl listen to racial stereotypes and can not seem to think for themselves or listen to what their racist families have to say.

I too have personally never used a racial comment towards my x-husband as much as he pissed me off. ( He is black I am white )

How are you now ? Has anything changed ?

let me just clarify that i wouldnt stay in a relationship for 12 years if the man was a complete racist jackass. he is a good father and a good man he doesnt work at the moment because he was laid off and before that because he was in school to learn a trade so he could get a better job to help contribute to the family. when we both get mad we have a problem with temper i let shit fly outta my mouth just as much as him, however IT IS NEVER RACIAL. i appreciate all your supportive responses and for those who say they personally wouldnt put up with it, one thing ive learned from experience is NEVER say what you wouldnt put up with if u havent been in the situation urself.

im still confused. if he's saying white women dumping blk guys with all of these babies etc, why listen to that? i couldn't date someone like that it would be the end of the relationship. when i was single, i met non blk guys who blamed black women and black ppl for everything, did it look like i stuck around them long enough to put up with it? no i didn't even though i didn't date them it was just a meeting.

dating or not, i still wouldn't put up with it. i am still confused what you are asking as far as advice....?