Long boring post coming up that will probably sound like a journal entry. sorry guys had to do this after several horrendous sleeping nights. Feel free to leave comments or responses.

Part of why I've never had that many friends is that I just don't feel confident or the real me. Most of you don't know that I have a condition called scoliosis where my spine is crooked. I was a basketball addict and I started having unbearable back pain at a young age. As a result, my peers and potential friends continued to play basketball,all getting better while I wasn't even able to play! For a while, the pain plagued me so bad for a couple years making me sit out several months at a time. Even when I wasn't in pain for a particular moment and could play, I wasn't conditioned or skilled enough because I wasn't able to train or practice for so much of the year. Consequently, I didn't make friends with people that were the most similar to me. I was to injury plagued and never made my high school basketball team and got the opportunity to make friends on the team.

Eventually I got my back under control and am getting better at basketball. The problem like mentioned before is that this didn't happen until after the potential friend making stages, and I'm still not good enough. I have made the best of my physical limitations but honestly my back still hinders my progress and I simply can't do or have a harder time doing various basketball movements than normal people. So my progress is really slow and I've lost so much ground in the years prior, and consequently I'm not on the same level as people who love basketball as much as me but don't have serious injuries. These people better than me don't know how hard I try or that I have a bad back, they just think I suck. If it makes sense, it seems like the people I'm supposed to be friends with aren't my friends because of separation in abilities due to my back.

Consequently, the few friends I had or made, and lack of interactions with them causes me to feeling pretty depressed and lonely. I never was a party animal and was much more independent than typical teenagers partly because of what I described above. To make it worse, ever since high school I've pretty much lost contact with all my friends. Pretty much I became busy, they became busy, and our schedules didn't mesh. When I had time off they didn't,and a lot of my friends are no longer here because they went on a mission. I don't have very many friends and now with the best ones gone and the others either intentionally or unintentionally canceling the times I try to do stuff with them, I haven't gotten to do anything with anyone except family this year. Who am I kidding though? I remember I'd get mad or annoyed I didn't work out or something like that on days I used to see them anyway.

In addition to being fairly social isolated with friends, I'm really confused as to whether I want to be married. I've only had one relationship back in middle school(pathetic, I know). Part of my reasoning was that I was selfish and didn't want to make some of the sacrifices needed for a relationship or marriage. I didn't want to be told when I couldn't go play basketball, fishing and that type of thing. Now realization is starting to hit me. I can't have a kids without a wife and I presumably will either have no sex because of not being in a relation, or will have to be basically a man whore to get it! If it makes sense, I'm just confused over what I want.

The last thing I wanted to talk about is how I hate winter and disappointments that have came up. I hate winter! I love to go fishing when the weather is good(fall,spring and summer) and it normally it keeps me happy despite me being socially isolated. But since it's winter, I don't go fishing and I think that's where these conflicts and thoughts are coming from. The only thing winter has done to me is get me a horrible cold that won't go away!
Disappointments have come up recently as well. 1- I wanted to join a basketball league with my family but by the time I was done with school and had time to research it, it was to late to sign up. 2-I'm disappointed I haven't figured out this sleeping thing. I just can't see to put all the pieces together like good sleep habits(especially not eating late and a consistent bed time/wake up!), and stress and anxiety management with life coming at full force. For the last several nights I've done a poor job at eating throughout the day and end up eating near bed which appears to make me get stuck in a light sleep. After several light unrestorative sleep nights in a row, it's almost like my body forgets how to fall asleep the way you're supposed to and I either can't fall asleep or continue to sleep lightly even if I don't appear to do anything wrong such as eating before bed. 3- I haven't yet been able to get a job. Filled out lots of applications but haven't results yet. Was hoping to make some money while going to school and well as help me get a little more social interaction(even if negative) with people. 4-I might not have passed one of my classes from last semester. Sadly, insomnia was the main culprit if I didn't pass.

It sounds pathetic but the only reason I'm thinking or talking about the things I did is because I want to sleep good. I haven't slept good for years, each year seems to be getting worse and all I care about is sleeping good. I understand there are multiple aspects to sleep good and that's why I discussed some of the things I did. Some nights I don't think about any of this stuff but certain nights I do, and it usually results in very poor sleep.