Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have not posted in a while as I am trying to get past all of this and finalizing the end of my marriage. My story as so many others here is my wife cheated and I tried to make it work but can't deal with her refusal to take accountability for her actions. As our divorce nears she takes her final attempts at diverting blame back at me and I just sit and listen and realize I am doing the right thing.
Not sure how the topic came up but her attempt to validate what she did by saying to me, I didn't love her because if I did I should have known what she was doing. She claims all of her friends told her that and her family told her that there was no way I didn't know what she was doing and because I didn't see it meant that I didn't love her. So I paused for a moment and asked, did your children see it, did your mother and father see it because they lived with us for 12 years as we supported them, did your sister not see it, did your friends not see it and if not then they all must not have loved you as you now claim that I didn't love you because I should have known.
I also asked if your friend realized how great of a liar she is or a master manipulator or the fact that she used them as so many of her excuses about getting out of town becuase they needed her during their times of needs, marital problems, family illnesses, even deaths in the family, and the girls time she claimed she needed so desperately. Not even sure why I even bother to engage but it did hurt because in all of this the only thing I did know was how much I truly did love her and if I am taking responsibility for anything it is that I trusted her and believed in her and for that, I was made a fool of but a fool no more and I will not take accountability for her sleeping with other men nor will I sit back and let her try to divert her blame onto me. Give it to your next man or even one of the other men you cheated with. Show them the real you because I finally see the real you. I didn't want to believe you could do the things you have done for so many years because of my love for you and my trust in you. Now you want to try to paint this picture of I should have known.
My love for her is still there and would be lying to all of you if I tried to say otherwise but after everything I have tried to do to make this marriage work, all I got was "YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN".
Not sure how the topic came up but her attempt to validate what she did by saying to me, I didn't love her because if I did I should have known what she was doing. She claims all of her friends told her that and her family told her that there was no way I didn't know what she was doing and because I didn't see it meant that I didn't love her. So I paused for a moment and asked, did your children see it, did your mother and father see it because they lived with us for 12 years as we supported them, did your sister not see it, did your friends not see it and if not then they all must not have loved you as you now claim that I didn't love you because I should have known.
I also asked if your friend realized how great of a liar she is or a master manipulator or the fact that she used them as so many of her excuses about getting out of town becuase they needed her during their times of needs, marital problems, family illnesses, even deaths in the family, and the girls time she claimed she needed so desperately. Not even sure why I even bother to engage but it did hurt because in all of this the only thing I did know was how much I truly did love her and if I am taking responsibility for anything it is that I trusted her and believed in her and for that, I was made a fool of but a fool no more and I will not take accountability for her sleeping with other men nor will I sit back and let her try to divert her blame onto me. Give it to your next man or even one of the other men you cheated with. Show them the real you because I finally see the real you. I didn't want to believe you could do the things you have done for so many years because of my love for you and my trust in you. Now you want to try to paint this picture of I should have known.
My love for her is still there and would be lying to all of you if I tried to say otherwise but after everything I have tried to do to make this marriage work, all I got was "YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN".
Delivered so deftly that I believed it ... Well for a bit.
The line is intended to twist you all into knots, better to not be with such a calculating creature
She betrays you, yet SHE wants to play the victim.
"If you'd have really cared about me, you'd have seen my cry for help."
PUH-LEASE!!!
She did what she did to boost her own ego.
Despite what it would do to you and to your relationship.
Selfish.
YOU should have known? She's got 'entitled princess' complex Yep, she thinks the world revolves around her.
You showed her true love, by believing the best in her, and she abused that love.
Her words are so much hot air.
They are not true.
She's grasping at any straw she can to assuage her own guilty conscience. Pretty flimsy line of thinking on her part if you ask me.
Classic blame shifting and gas lighting.
Total and utter nonsense.
Yes, you are better off.
No Contact is the way to go.
Don't listen to her bull sh%&.
That's all it is.
((((HUGS))))
It is clear that she cannot tell right from wrong, a classic character flaw and byproduct of incessant infidelity: they believe that what they do is justified. She's been backed into a corner and she's fighting like a hellcat to survive.
You have loved her, believed in her, trusted her, and have provided a safe and loving environment, allowing her the freedom to develop and flourish, and she repays you with infidelity, lies and manipulation.
She can't accept what she's done, and she can't accept that the best thing that's ever happened to her, you, is abandoning her. She's living in a whirlwind of self-pity and entitlement, and is desperately attempting to regain herself by shifting the responsibility of her infidelity onto you.
There's nothing more you can do for her, and I believe you have taken the right course of action. She betrayed you, she's lying to you about what her family and friends have said, and is trying to decimate you for ending the marriage, nice gal.
Surround yourself with good people, friends and family, and with time your abrogation will cleanse you of the filth that she's packed between the layers.
I wish you good things.
Yep, what you got right there is Blame Shifting at its finest.
I'm in a different boat, sort of. I look back and I say "Dammit. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!" Hindsight is 20/20. I look back and say "How could I have been soooooo blind?"
We have stood in your shoes - if anything, you should be commended for trying to fix this mess (especially in light of the fact she takes zero ownership).
Reading what you wrote, what I notice is how she is trying to come out of this smelling like roses. Now that family and friends know what happened, she is trying to save "face." How can she explain what she did? Like so many selfish, self-centered people, she shirks responsibility for her actions and has to pull you into her psycho-drama to make herself feel better.
Bad, evil person. You have made the choice to move on from this person. Therefore, do what you can to eliminate contact. No phone calls, no emails. Text is probably your best bet. If you have children, keep the discussion to making arrangements to see them or sharing information about them. Anything other than that, cut her off and delete, delete, delete the texts.
In time, you will find having this separation from this sick person will make you feel much calmer.
I wish you the best.
To other's, thanks for the comments and feedback.
This has been a very long road traveled and has been going on for way to long and I have only me to blame for allowing this abuse to go on for this long. I never thought of myself as an enabler and always thought of her needs before mine and actually thought I could help as my belief is how can I claim to love her if I don't help her and what kind of a man would I be if I walked out on the person I love when she needs me the most. I walk out leaving knowing I tried as hard as I could but love isn't one-way and there is no room for love for me when she only has love for herself..
The sad part of this is when we first started dating back 23 years ago and I thought she had cheated on me, she was so good at manipulation she made me feel like shit for ever thinking she would do this to me or herself and her greatest trick is if you can't prove it then it never happened. She spent many years crafting her techniques of diversion, blame shifting, manipulation and all I did was love her and gave her my trust that was once broken and maybe her comment that I should have known should have been, "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER"
There is no help for a person who thinks there is nothing wrong with them or she has done no wrong. There is only a fool who thinks she will change or a fool who does the same thing over and over thinking the next time it will change. I am a fool no more. I am done and looking forward to being ME!
I always have found it amazing to see the levels of self delusion that some go to in order to justify their cheating. This blows my mind.
'So, you weren't psychic and didn't see it so that means that you didn't truly love me so that means what I did was really for the best.'
Alls I can say is Bullshit and she makes all women look bad.
L~