Three days after I got married, my new husband admitted that for the last eight months, he'd been concealing an addiction to crack cocaine. (I didn't think he was even a drinker - this came out of the blue. I certainly don't drink or use.) As part of his addiction, he felt compelled to have unprotected sex with other drug users. For the next seven months, while I tried to rehabilitate the marriage, he relapsed with sex and drugs an average of once a month (that I found out about). He wound up in residential care far away and that was it for our marriage. For the past two years, he's been in various group homes, has relapsed periodically, has gotten a psychiatric diagnosis and had electro-convulsive therapy for it, tried a new street drug, and contracted HIV. Our divorce finally went through.

Although it has been two years since we separated, I'm starting to have nightmares about HIV infection. In my dreams (as it would likely be in reality) it isn't from my own carelessness, but rather from a deceitful or even malicious ex-husband or new partner. The dreams are powerful, so I worry about it during the day, too.

The trauma of my marriage was so great that I couldn't process it all at the time. To get through the moment, I put myself in the frame of mind of a caregiver. Everything I did was, in my mind, so HE would get better. This was true even long after he'd moved away to benefit from residential care. I never allowed myself the space to process the multiple psychic injuries -- sexual infidelity, sexually transmitted diseases, concealed drug addiction, theft of money and property, lying, manipulation, his unmedicated mental illness, his presumable brain damage -- that would be necessary to focus on ME. Now that the divorce has finally gone through and it's clear he won't get better (he has far too many overlapping issues), I've begun to permit myself to let go of all sense of responsibility for him and to examine how I feel. After the divorce, I burned all our wedding cards and sold my wedding ring. I've also tried dating two people (serially, not simultaneously) to move through my trust issues.

What I find is that I'm too scarred to seriously entertain the thought of dating. My sex drive has been zero for years. I would try more dating, maybe even try casual sex (which I've never done before), just to have some fun, meet some people, see if I can scare up something resembling a sex drive. But when I think about meeting new people, I have nightmares about HIV. Thinking about "moving forward" dregs up all the old stuff I haven't dealt with yet. I don't know how to begin to process this hurt. Essentially I married a con artist. This was someone who pretended to be mentally well, completely sober, and ardently monogamous when he was a bipolar crackwhore who was stealing my money. Maybe I was stupid, maybe I overlooked signs other people would have balked at, but the point is, my trust was rolled in a little ball and thrown out the window and I can't get it back. I'm afraid of everyone, at least in the dating world.

Is this normal? Does the pain of betrayal sometimes intensify when you think the pain should be going away? Do you find yourselves more wary of potential new love interests, to the point of having to admit that you're not emotionally ready to date after all? Do you have a strong fear of HIV that wrecks your sex drive? What, if anything, has helped you rebuild your trust and your interest in other people?