Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Wording

OuchMyHeart
OuchMyHeart
Just wondering if anyone caught their spouse in more lies through their poor wording choices. Like Freudian slips almost. Example; My husband tried lying and telling me that he and the OW never slept together just went for 3 coffee dates and when I asked how he told her he didn't want to see her anymore he said "I just told her I didn't want to do it anymore"...do what exactly? Strange wording. You'd think he'd have said "I just told her I didn't want to see her anymore" or "I just told her I didn't want to go for coffee anymore". "Do it" just seemed like a strange way of wording given the scenario and conversation. Obviously I found out after more investigating that he was lying despite swearing on our children's lives that he was telling the truth and found that he had been cheating with her for over a year and my entire pregnancy and didn't even want to end it when I found out. Have since found out through therapy that he's apparently a sex addict...great.
Anyways, there've been other similar and more obvious situations where his wording has clued me in to something not being right.
Recently I started thinking about when I confronted him that I knew about the affair, he tried to say he didn't know what I was talking about until I made him admit it and he said "I slept around on you". I didn't think of it at the time as I was trying to hold it together for my 3 month old and 3 year old but if he'd only been sleeping with one OW why say slept around? I feel like that implies more than one person although I only know about one and he denies that there were more...thoughts? I'm a paranoid mess? Yes...I know.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No, you are not a paranoid mess. You are suspicious. You have to be.
You were lied to. You were betrayed.

Your husband's words say it all. You know he lies. You, sadly, need to
question everything he tells you. Those are slips so much. They are
probably what happened. He was "doing it", he did sleep "around".

He needs to stay in therapy.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I pay extremely close attention to wording and vocabulary use. Especially when someone says something very specific, or when it's extremely vague. To me, "sleeping around" indicates more than one woman. Because of the very nature of that wording, it implies plural women. If it were only one, then he would say "I slept with someone else"...singular.

You have every right to ask him for specifics...even down to the kind of "coffee" he ordered. Your marriage is your business, and you are entitled to know your business.
OuchMyHeart
OuchMyHeart
The worst part is at this point we are working on it, if it was more than one woman is it worse, yes...would I still be willing to work on it, yes. It's the lying that would end this. If at this point, after this level of forgiveness he were still lying about this, we'd be done. To figure out a way of catching him in yet another lie is the real issue.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can understand where you're coming from. My X's affair, itself, wasn't my big issue...it was the lying, hiding, and purposeful planning to have the affair. That's why a lot of couples reconciling are big about transparency. I feel, along with being remorseful, your spouse needs to be completely, 100 percent open, honest, upfront about everything and anything.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You will have to be super vigilant. It's a pain. I so understand.

But you don't want to make a future with a liar and a cheat.

One of my friends told me just to "look the other way" because she
thought I had a good life. huh?

No, these cheaters need to shape up and live the straight and narrow if they want us in their lives. Period. End of sentence.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry for you and your kids. You are not paranoid. Most of the time,there is more than one time and more than one person,they cheated with. The ONLY way to move forward is if he admits to everything and the two of you get counseling.. I really wish I could say something positive to you right now. Also men who cheat who have families/children don't want to leave when they get caught because they don't want to pay child support. It's much more expensive for them,to divorce. You are gorgeous (not that this is a determining factor in anything) but you and your kids do not deserve this kind of treatment. Stand up and tell him to go if that's what he wants in his life. There are probably a lot of details that you don't want to know about.
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
In the wake of an affair, many of us turn into investigators.

I too have learned things though creative interrogation. Unfortunately, it comes at a cost. Sometimes the answers are harder to deal with than not knowing. In my case, I wish I hadn't asked some of them.

Be careful what you ask for. You can't un-ring a bell.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If he's a sex addict, you're only at the tip of the lies and I guarantee there is more than one woman. My ex swore up and down it was just one woman and a porn problem. We went through nearly two years of marriage counseling, individual therapy, 12 step meetings, and medication before I finally discovered that there were 4 OW during our time together and his problem extended to hooking up with random women from chat rooms and internet hookup sites - over 50 strangers that he had unprotected sex with. He gave me an STD. I can't even count the hundreds and hundreds of lies I caught him in before I was finally done. Those times his wording is "off" are flashing neon signs that he can't keep up the juggling act. Those slips are your glance at reality. He will keep juggling, though. Mine would deny shit right up to the point where I had irrefutable proof, and sometimes even after that. Guard your sanity because that's called gaslighting and they are the masters.
PollyA
PollyA
My sex addict (just yesterday found out) husband has given me 4 Days of new lies each day.

Final total (well, to date) 50 men in 5 years! One just last week while we were staying at his PARENT'S house in my home town.

Seriously, sometimes the wife REALLY doesn't know.