First off, do not regret taking the children out of that situation. As a parent, it is your responsibility to raise those children and provide for them and keep them safe, even if they are too small to know the difference. In the end, they will grow up knowing they are loved and cared for because of your actions to take them out of an unstable home. It sounds like he has you where he wants you, to always be afraid. You need to stand up for yourself, agree that you don't want to live like this the rest of your life, or put your children thru this on a daily basis, and seek another family member or someone for shelter and help. There are people out there who can help give you what you need until you get back on your feet, don't live in fear or these conditions because you are afraid of him being violent when you tell him. If you haven't made the move yet, get your planning done now so that you don't walk out with no place to go, and your mind confuses you and your heart beats rapid, and fear takes over and you return because it wasnt well planned. Your safety and the children's are the most important now, and if he has been aggressive or violent before, he will be again, so be prepared and move the children to safety now. I will say prayers for you, and am sending you hugs now to be strong.....the children are depending on you!

Dear heart,I know exactly how you feel.I felt the same way!Iam not saying that Iam leaving tommorow because I still have alot of preparation to do,but the good thing is that alot of the women here had the same concerns and yet they made it thru.I don't know what Iam going to say when the day comes but I know somehow the words will come.To tell you the truth,if you get pissed enough about all of the shit that he pulled in the past and was arrogant enough to think he got away with,when you start thinking about how you had to put up a front for you kids because of his selfish ass,when you think about all the times you layed in a cold bed alone,while he was out screwing somone elses brains out,when you think about all of the times that you had to slap a smile on your face all the while your heart was breaking,when you think about all of the healthy relationships that you could have had if it had not been for him,believe me the words will come along with the rage and you won't give a care about any of his possible revenge tactics-as a mattter of fact you may be so pissed that you tell him to "bring it on motherf**ker"!LOL But honestly,do as I do,I take it one da y at a time knowing that when the day comes I will unleash everyhting that I have to say.And if you are stil feeling wary,you can do what some women have,and that is they have a close friend or realtive come over at the time that they are going to drop the axe.As for him spreading awful stories about you,what do you care?You know and others who know you,know of your character, so who cares what a morally depraved lunatic says?Certainly not you and those who love you.Right now just focus on your plan first,all of the other stuff will fall into place later!

When you've had enough you will leave and I think you are very close to that now. I left thinking I might be living on the streets of my town. That didn't happen but I wanted out so badly I didn't care where I lived. I have a good life for now and I'm very happy for the first time since I found what my ex was and will always be.

Your H will either cause you trouble or he will roll over and you will get what you need. Will he be unhappy? Yes, he is losing a possession that he has tried to control for many years. You either stay and lose yourself or you get out and make a new life. I know that decision is not easy to make. It took me way too long to make that decision for myself.

There are many people on here who will help with great advice as you get through this. The sooner you get out the better future you will have for you and your children.

I remember these feelings, believe me. But you are, in reality, afraid of the unknown. Take the situation into your hands, and some of the unknown will melt away. Each day it will become easier to see what the future holds. Make sure that you protect yourself and your family. See a lawyer immediately - before you tell your husband that you are filing. Take some of your JOINT money and open an account in YOUR name. Protect yourself physically, too. Have a place to go with your children if he does become violent. PLAN, PLAN, PLAN. Don't rush this - the process takes years and there is no rushing it along. Rushing means that you will make a mistake.

Oh man... I remember this...

Been gone now since 2005.

I walked out scared as hell. Took my kids. Scared out of my damned mind. Left with nothing.

Took a deep breath...and decided to DEFINE me on my own now. Set my goals (kids, family, job, school...) and went for it ALL. Decided that if I had to go thru this, I was going to make it, make it, fake it till I make...but I was going to make it and ....

Make it look good, damnit.

For all the shitty things he said to me, that ran around my head, and I continued to hear even after being gone...that voice in my head died down over time. What replaced it was my OWN busy life without him and his bullshit.

For everything that he tried to tell everyone about me? All that shit? My true friends and family believed in me and didn't listen to his crap. Over time? I proved myself to me, to them, to everyone...and he proved himself to continue to be the damned slug he was.

He said I would fall on my face in failure. Hmmmm, he has fallen repeatedly...while I go on my merry little way of BUILDING MY LIFE.

Once you get away from the shadow that he is casting over you, to drag you down, to keep you under his thumb, to keep you from shining on your own...you will spread your wings and fly...because there is no reason NOT to. NOTHING stopping you...

No fear. Deep breath. Fake it 'till you make it...don't settle...DEFINE YOU!

Sending you support...L~

We are all afraid. But please protect your children. I am 44 years old and have some anger that my father did not protect me from my mother. I know that he did the best he knew how, but the abuse from her still haunts me today. Try to be strong. We are all in the same boat so don't feel alone. I have been a stay at home Mother for 18 years and am trying to find employment that will give me some security. Not easy to find these days. I just take one day at a time.

Thank you thank you thank you all!!! This board truly is a life saver. Feeling much stronger now - the last few days were very dark, I'm sure we all know how that is. First to the most important thing, the violence only happened once in 12 yrs and that was 4 yrs ago. He was extremely drunk and has not had a drink since. It is certainly a fear in the back of my mind, but not an imminent threat and no hint of violence or wanting to be violent has occurred since.

And I do have a good plan. I've got places to go in an emergency (and of course, a bag packed), several accounts he does not know about, a great counselor, and a life of my own. I've seen a lawyer - though honestly its so expensive I'm looking into other options...I'm in a no-fault state and we own practically nothing and live paycheck to paycheck, so not really anything to fight over. And the main reason I have not left years ago is because in spite of everything he does to me, he is wonderful with our children.

All that being sad - thank you all for the comments and advice. It helps so much to know others have been through this and to learn from it. And you are so right Rote, I need to stick to the plan. The dark days will always come when I feel like I can't take another second, but they will also go and I'll have great days with my kids and my friends. When I do leave, it will be forever, so I have to make sure I am as prepared as I can possibly be. Thanks everyone for 'talking me down' so to speak. I'm ready to do this thing!!!

I just keep my kids in my mind. I do everything for them. I would have checked out or would have left long ago if it had not been for my kids. It would be selfish for me to do something like that. Take one second/minute/day at a time. It does get easier, but I'm afraid it will never truly go away. We are all in this together. Stay encouraged!

I surprised myself when I left my husband - I found a way to survive all by myself and it was not nearly as hard as I had imagined.

We have more strength than we know and once we get the ball rolling it seems to take on a life of its own and we know just exactly what we have to do for ourselves.

Good luck - you can do this.

OK, a bloke perspective - if you don't mind


All the above advice is superb and please listen to these wise and wonderful women!

I intend to give you the reasoins why you shoud do exactly as they say - AND DO IT AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY F@#$@ING CAN.

I work with people like you describe your husband, Believe it or not I am actually paid to "care" for them and their issues.

These "men" are sub-human, at best. They are liers, cheats, thieves and bullies - but most importantly - they are cowards and are benieth contempt.

Unfortunately "cowards" are capable of doing the most harm. This is why you need to do everything you can to protect yourself and your children - right now.. This spinl;ess little maggot will do what he can to perpetuate your fear and uncertainty. - be sure of that..

Prepare your withdrawal, make the inquires you need to make and then get the hell out of there! - for yours and the safety of your children.

If he threatons you or the children, or hurts you or the children don't hesitate - call the Police and get the hell out of there then and there.

Worry about the material stuff later. Yours and your childrens safety it paramount.

Priorities girl!

Survival first and foremost.

Comfort and security are a long way down the list. You need to ensure your and your children's safety. I can't emphasise this enough.

I have sent yopu a friend request. Please accept it and we can chat back channel if you wish

Love and support to you

Mick

All good advice. You will rebuild & make a future for both you and your children. I know it's scary, but do-able! ((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))