Most of the time I feel incredible anger, righteous indignation, even profound sadness. But every once inawhile I let myself feel what's underneath all of that which is just plain old fear. I am terrified of taking care of my children physically and financially alone, knowing I broke their hearts by leaving their father (because they are too young to know that he is simply a bad person). I am terrified of his reaction when I tell him - will he be violent? vindictive? condescending? cruel? He's certainly been all of these before. Perhaps just use every one of his mindf*&ing tricks to make me out to be the bad person and have me begging for his forgiveness for bringing up that old tired subject - reality. I am so scared of what he will do after - will I actually be able to get him to leave the house? Will he destroy my property? Will he stop seeing our kids? Will he smear my name to everyone we know? Mostly I'm afraid of how much he will hurt me - it is what he does after all, in a myriad of ways, day after day, year after year.
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