Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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emotionalwreck 01/14/2017

My husband of 33 years was cheated on me 5 or 6 times that I know of. The last was sexting, the 2 before that were with the same woman and that is when he gave me an STD. 15 years ago there was a sneak away weekend which he got caught because a co-worker let me know he was cheating and 25 years ago he had was with another woman twice who claimed after one day that she was pregnant.

Oh yes and let's not forget the $10K he took from his 401K that he gave to a friend who was a drug addict. I didn't find that one out until 2 years later when the IRS wanted their portion. I knew it all along but he kept lying every time I questioned where the money was and he would give me the same stupid story. He is a skillful liar and I always believe him and think that I am the only woman in his life. I know I am a fool, but I married him for better or for worse.

So I stay with him because of religion, because of our children and because of our grandchildren. Plus in some ways I still love him and basically I have no self-esteem left. Of course then he puts those arms around me and I feel safe and secure. I am truly messed up.

The biggest problem is dealing with my emotions. There are a lot of triggers that set me off. Today it was an old text so now I am depressed. I have eaten myself into oblivion over the years because of my shame, hopelessness and fear.

I am not looking for a divorce, I am looking for help in dealing with the emotional waves, building back a relationship and finding myself again. So where do I turn. I just keep everything bottled up and it is eating me up inside. At times I just want to tell everyone and ruin his reputation, but I am a good Christian and that is not a good thing to do. Any advise would be appreciated.

onedayatatimeforme 01/14/2017

I understand how you are feeling, as my stbx had several affairs that he claims were not sexual but just for the attention ( he felt I was paying too much attention to our kids I still don't get that one) I did try therapy with my stbx many times and it did very little, Then I started therapy on my own and I stuck with it for 3 years while married to him. Your emotions are not a problem but a concern and the concern is from the mistakes that your husband keeps doing with no consideration for you as his wife and mother of the kids. You do not need to own what he did .. he has to own it and stop it or move on with separate lives. I think your husband is having his cake and eating it too, he has what he wants with his affairs and he still has you by his side. In the mean time you are paying the price for his mistake. So I suggest that you start therapy for yourself first, then in time bring your husband in to the sessions or start therapy for the marriage as a couple but you stay in therapy for yourself no matter what.My therapist was right with everything she said would happen if I did not break the cycle but as you I have religion and faith and kids , my therapist was also a christian therapist so that helped with explaining that divorce is not a dirty word in the Bible and god frowns to those that are not faithful to their spouse. I am worried for you because you are staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons and I do think therapy will help you gain your self esteem back . Remember this is not your fault this is not your problem, you are not the one to fix it alone but you have to start with yourself first. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers

emotionalwreck 01/15/2017

Thank you onedayatatime. I have thought about doing couples therapy many times, but never thought to do it just for myself. My needs have always been secondary to my kids and my husband. I have been married so long that I don't think of us as individuals which is part of my problem. Thank you for the prayers. I will look into it.

Healme123 01/15/2017

Please seek individual therapy! It is apparent that your marriage has taken its toll on your self-esteem and confidence. You are courageous in your attempts to forgive and stay with him; however, there comes a time when that courage needs to be turned inward... you are a woman of God and He is Love. Christian marital covenants do not support spousal abuse and neglect. There is an obvious unhealthy pattern established and only you can break it. You have a choice to be happy and healthy! Do what you have to do to take care of yourself!

outdoorchick 01/15/2017

I'm so sorry for your pain. this is a good outlet for writing and trying to get some advice and support. you need to try to care for yourself now and it will all take time. I'm sure your emotions are all over the place. it is so hard when those we live and trust hurt us.

shoretimenow 01/15/2017

You want support to stay in an abusive situation?
I agree that the Church would not consider this a marriage. I am certain your clergyperson would agree.
As for your children, all you are teaching them is that this is what marriage is and its ok for a husband to treat his wife like this and should they be in an abusive and/or neglectful situation they shouldn't stand up for themselves, they shouldn't make themselves overcome obstacles, and they should tolerate it.
Its a sad situation. I think you must consider IC.

refurb 01/27/2017

please get individual counseling, i'm not a fan of divorce, but, your husband has destroyed your self image, you have time yet on this earth to restore it, whatever grace that God sends your way is being trampled on by your husband, that is not God's plan, you've honored your vows and God, now please consider honoring God by helping yourself

Lenoire 01/31/2017

I am sorry to read of your situation. If you want him to stop doing what he's doing, outting him to everyone would more than likely put a stop to it. The fact that he has been getting away with it for all these years, tells him that you are allowing it, and giving him the green light to keep doing it.

Don't worry about being a good or bad Christian, as you won't be judged for outting him, because he is the one who is being bad. Outting him may seem unsavoury but it's the only thing that will stop him dead in his tracks, and hopefully send him back to Church where he can work on becoming a good Christian.

Just so you are aware, your children will mirror you in their relationships, so when you see your daughter or son in an abusive relationship, you'll know where it came from. I'm saying this so you are aware of the repercussion of his actions, and yours for doing nothing about it.

I wish you well.

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