Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Let me start by saying, I love my wife always have through it all. However, it's been nearly 18 months since her 10 month affair ended. We've come a very long way from where we were upon my discovery of the affair. In many ways, she had been great. She's given me access to all of her accounts digital and financial. Phones me about her whereabouts on the way home from work (her job requires frequent overtime). She often goes out of her way to make me feel special. She's constantly telling me she loves me and our sexual intimacy is the best it's been in years. Great you might say, well lately I can't stop thinking about the deception and the lies. I think about how she was willing to give up everything to be with a guy who used her and was even less attentive to what she said she needed from me. I feel stupid at times for staying at other times I want revenge. I want to confront him or have my own fling. I don't believe I would ever do either of these things but that is where my mind takes me frequently. I've even thought about just walking away. I can't because I love her and can't imagine not being married to her. It's been hell these past 18 months but things we're looking up and out of the blue these thoughts have resurfaced. For the most part, I'm able to mask my emotions but there are times when she can tell I'm going through something. We are in counseling and I have been able to share some of these feelings but not all. I think it would really devestate her if I told her that I still think of leaving or being with someone else. Again, I don't believe I could ever do that, especially knowing how painful this experience has been for me. Thanks for listening any advice will be greatly appreciated.
As for you - what you are going through is completely normal. This was a traumatic event in your life. It takes a while to process it all. I pray every day that the OW will suffer and then die. I want
my H to feel the pain of betrayal. I, too, think about having my own A. I allow myself to indulge in
these thoughts but then I shut it down. I think it is toxic to dwell too much on them. Instead I try to turn my thoughts into positive ones of the future.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't dwell too much on negative thoughts. I firmly believe it is up to the cheaters to fix all of this. 100% of it. I will go to my H and tell him I feel sad, or I feel anxious, or whatever. Nothing more. It's his job to soothe me to comfort me. I dump as much as I can on him. He does what he can.
I tolerate nothing. Not one thing. If he even looks at me sideways I ask him - Did you treat her that way? He does back flips trying to make it up to me. I am lucky, too, I guess.
So that is my advice. Dump it on her and don't beat yourself up for having perfectly normal reactions to her inexcusable behavior.
I'm 19 months out myself so I know the feelings you're talking about. I have one thing to add to this statement: "I'm able to mask my emotions but there are times when she can tell I'm going through something." I would suggest NOT masking your emotions. Go ahead and tell her exactly what you're thinking about at that moment....be it a mental picture that's disturbing, a smell, a memory...whatever it happens to be. She knows something's bothering you anyway. Might as well get it out there.