How long has it been since you first found out?

Unfortunately I feel the same way. I've been in false rebuilding for almost 4 years now and my kids are grown. I tried at first but about 1.5 years after the fact, the OW contacted him and he didn't tell me and he lied about it. I was done that night despite his attempts to make it right. I completely closed off from him and I'm totally faking it until my ducks are in a row.

Personally, I think that infidelity permanently alters your relationship and the way that you feel about your CS. My initial instinct was to leave and I wish I trusted that instinct. Now I've wasted even more time and my only consolation is that I'm wasting his time too.

Good luck

i totally understand where you are coming from. One of the reasons i hate being intimate with her is that i do not know if she is being intimate with me or if all she is thinking about is om.

I'm not similar - STBX moved out - I moved on - have a new GF rebuilding my life.

But just imagine how you need to feel safe in a normal realtionship.

I have said this before (its a simple way of putting it) but now you have to feel "super" safe cause of what she has done.

She just throw in the complicated towel on you and complicated everyones life and now she has forced a very major life changing event.

How stupid and selfish is that? also its not very smart and she obviously can't see moves ahead of her.

She needs to do whatever it is so you feel super safe or you will jet.

I'm there, same spot (including kids issue), not sure if I'm wanting to stay or go. Those images....that shit can seriously fuck you in the head. Leaves me in depression for days...still in one now (so I'll try to be level headed with this post).
Advice? Keep yourself together as much as you can...you've got kids, they need you. They're job #1. Go to work, keep busy, and say nice things to wife in front of them...hell, get her some flowers...something out of the blue.
Even when the world is falling apart, you need to be the one still standing firm.

The images and feelings you have will decrease, minimize, and be replaced over time with new memories and images if your wife remains contrite, remorseful, and helps rebuild your marriage -- if this is what you want.

It is OK if you do not want this. Then move on with the kids. Make her the ex-wife, in which case the images and feelings will too decrease.

I guess the only thing I would suggest is you taking a little time to be sure. Your marriage can be better than it was.

We've all been where your at and feel for you. It's very difficult when children are involved. Some people can't move on after the trust has been broken. Take time to think about what it is that you really want. Could any of this be rectified with counseling? Is she willing to make her life an open book? Is she taking full responsibility for what she has done to your family? Can you love and trust her again? Some of these take time to answer. Once you've made up your mind, make a plan,either way. The transition for the kids should go as smoothly as possible. With all the emotion involved,it's a very difficult thing to do. Just remember one of you has to be sane.
Your heart hasn't died, you are just very hurt by what she has done not only to you but your children. If you do leave her,I wonder what she will say to the children? I hope she cares when she sees the pain in their faces. Either way, think for a while and execute your plan. Think about cauldron support,visitation rights,where is the primary residence of the children going to be, where are you going to live and how are you going to split your assets???????????

After I found out about my h, I decided to try to reconcile. I deeply regret not divorcing him. It's been over 4 years and my marriage is not really any better than it was when I found out about him. I can't live like this anymore. The depression and negativity have even affected my health. I think I have finally given up any and all hope that this marriage can be saved and I think I have finally accepted to let go of any dreams of a loving, happy family with my h.

distance, you spoke my mind...I don't want any intimacy with my wife because I know the OM will always be in her heart..... It's a torture to be in a relationship knowing your spouse, while respect you, but also has another OM in her/his mind.

I am just giving this advice to help you and to let you know what is going through your wifes mind. I am the wife who was cheating. I and my husband had a rough time, he knew about the whole thing. I told him to give me divorce but he did not let me go. Anyways now the thing is over with my ex bf. It was shocking for my husband, he would not talk to me, he said alot of harsh things that still echo in my mind.
I had a few episodes of coming in and going out of the affair with my ex bf, yes I lied too but inside I was as broken as my husband if not more. I was going on a terrible path which kept me restless. Yes I loved my ex alot but I also cared for my husband and I knew I was hurting him but somehow I couldnt let go of things.
Finally I gave it real hard thinking, I had to save my family and that man was not trustworthy, I trusted my husband but not that man. I finally moved out of the affair.
My husband was angry but he forgave me again. I had 2 choices to stay in touch with that man and stay in a painful triangle or move with my husband and build everything again, I chose moving out of cheating.
I try really hard now to make my husband happy, not only for his sake but also for my sake and for the sake of my family. I respect him, I know he is really hurt, I know things will not change in a day but i know I am moving forward and when deep down you know you have taken the right step the whole universe helps you. Yes I still miss my ex at times but it will go away with time. The time that I spent with him,I think of my time spent with him as if I was sick and did not know what to do, he was like a parasite and I was his prey, I dont love that man the way I used to . I am like a sick person who is slowly recovering and when my husband support me I seem to get better faster. I have opened up to him and he said things, about his emotions that he never said before. so i think both of us are trying to heal.
Now the things you must consider here are what were the things that lead to infidelity eg my husband is a very busy person, doesnt talk much, we have minimum recreation, we dont visit family or friends. This suffocation was making me go to a person who was totally diffrent, enjoyed life, did alot of disscussion , was funny etc.
Most imprtantly he LISTENED to me.
What ever the cause is, try to take to go out, meet family and friends etc. Yes she must be hurting too.
You have 2 ways, either leave her and be at peace ( both of you)
or be with her, build your relation again. But tell her that this is the last time that you are forgiving her, next time you wont ask questions but will leave without a word.
Dont be too hard on her, dont remind her of her mistake time and again, she will think you were not worth her efforts and love.
If you have questions or are in pain and want to disscuss it with her then yes go and do that but it should not be your mantra of every morning and every night, she is giving this relation a chance although she must be in pain too, you should respect that.
And what they must have done etc etc, that is past let it be past, if she did not consider it important and giving you her time and care, you should try and get it out of your mind too.
Yes she is healing, both of you are healing, be compassionate toward each other and not resentful.
Things are getting better between me and my husband. I hope you could forgive her too and heal yourself. Go on a vacation together.

Sonomahi..I have to say that you gave him wonderful advice. I hope he takes it all in. It won't be easy. Hopefully it will be all worth it in the long run..Healing is power!