Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
TLDR: in one day you get told you're being investigated for possible cancer and your wife is f***ing another guy; how's your day going?
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A couple of months ago, actually shortly before our wedding anniversary, my wife decided to tell me she was walking out; she 'wasn't sure how she felt anymore'. No preamble, no discussion.
This was shortly after my father passed away. I was, and still am, struggling deeply with that loss as it is.
I obviously was blown away. I asked what was wrong, what had changed. I was told 'she didn't know'. I found out later that was a lie.
Anyway I told her I wanted her to be happy but that we had a lifetime behind us (20yrs together & 15 married) that had to be worth fighting for, and two beautiful kids who would be devastated too. She seemed to reconsider and said she wanted to 'try'. I looked into couples therapy and printed out things to help; she said she'd read it and we'd talk. Weeks passed, then months, and I waited. I asked if she wanted to talk, to go out, to do anything, but there's was always an excuse for no, for not trying ...for just getting on with her life and me coasting with my non-existence whilst I waited.
Then obviously I got ill.
Pretty ill.
Not being able to eat ill. Not being able to retain what I did eat ill. Losing 20lbs in 3-4 weeks without trying ill.
Being told that cancer is a possible (but not the only one, there's still less sinister ones) option ill, and lots of medical stuff happening.
So I pushed the issue and told my partner of 20 years and wife of 15 years we HAD to talk, and that I KNEW there was a problem.
Because I am not stupid.
I told her not to lie to me. To do me the courtesy of not treating me like I'm stupid.
She did both.
She told me she hadn't been cheating on me.
She instead said she'd only been doing some 'harmless sexting' with someone, a friend, because she was bored.
She said this to my face.
She lied to my face.
For a couple of hours I sat with this lie then couldn't anymore and told her, point blank, that I knew she was lying.
So she admitted that for the last few months - from before she told me there were any problems - she's been cheating on me with someone else.
This started not long after my dad died.
It continued before my son's birthday.
Before our wedding anniversary.
While I was ill.
Then I found out it actually started nearly 20 years ago, before we even got married; with the same guy.
She met this guy at work when we first moved house, when we were only engaged and shehad a 'fling' with him, married me, then picked up again 5 months ago.
For a bit of 'fun'.
While telling me we were working on things.
...then, just today, I found out she's ALSO been sexting for a whole with a longterm friend of mine, again very explicit stuff, and it turns out she had a short-term physical affair/fling with him about 15 years ago. So all this time I've been friends with him without knowing too.
So, yeah, that's my life ...or what's left of it... right now.
She says she doesn't know why she did the first two, years ago, just it was fun, and the recent thing because she felt our related got complacent and lost its way so wanted that fun back again.
I have no idea what I'm doing anymore...
I'm completely lost.
You say you feel lost, so please accept so advice on where to start finding yourself. Your first and most important focus needs to be on your health. You have to address that, for your sake and for your kids. Find friends and family who you can lean on for that support to make this happen. Your second focus (a close second, and normally the first) is to focus on your kids, without blame or judgement on your wife. Just honest focus on their life and emotional needs - because this is a difficult time for them as well, and I would guess that they know something is wrong with mom and dad and with your health. They need support, too.
Your wife has been honest with you now, focus on that more than the lies that preceded it, otherwise you’ll just rehash pain for yourself with no benefit or gain. Figure out what you want to be do with this information, and it sounds like you won’t accept it , and that is fine. It sounds like she wants to go her own way, too, maybe accept that, and again, keep your focus in your kids and what they will need from both of you even if you change your circumstance. It can be hard to face this and not feel like your life was a lie, that can really mess with your head, but do your darnedest to not let that sense of waste or being taken advantage of mess with your head or you’ll be miserable. And that doesn’t do you or anyone well at all. You’ve been treated terribly, but you can’t let that rule your head - you have to be able to focus on getting better from your illness. You are worth it and your kids need you, and there is so much possibility to look forward to.
I can’t imagine how horrible you must feel.
You being sick is exhausting enough, now you also have to deal with feeling like the whole marriage was a fraud.
You are going to get through this. It is good actually that it came out now, because when you are dealing with serious health issues there is no room for uncertainty.
One thing you know for sure now is who you can and can not rely on. She is one of the people that you can’t trust at all.
If you can, try to focus on fighting your illness and everything else will fall into place after that.