Brother, I am so sorry that you're going through this. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join.

I completely understand how you feel. Are you and/or her going to therapy? Right now, all things considered, it makes complete sense that you want her to resign immediately. Still, this is going to take some time to work through - for both of you. The fundamental issue is how she feels about you, and that is not mutually exclusive to her keeping her job. I would encourage you to try and be patient, and not demand that she quit her job. That has to be a decision both of you make together - otherwise, she is apt to be resentful.

You've got a lot on your plate. But this is a good site, with a lot of good people, and a lot of good information. Many (most) have experienced something similar to you.

My H had a long-term affair with a co-worker as well. I was advised by people here, by therapists, marriage counselors that he should change jobs. Good advice.

My H refused.

His relationship with this tramp continued under the guise of we have to work together.

After I confronted him, he was a bit more circumspect, but soon things were back to where they were with the two cheaters.

There was another confrontation and I was able to throw him out of the house.

He begged to come back. And he was the one who said that while he could not change jobs, he would move his office to a different floor. I had asked for that years before and he refused. He also said he would go no contact with her and if he had to interact with her, even by email, other people would be included.

So that is where we are now. Although recently I have found evidence that he is at least considering starting up with her. Another confrontation.

Cheating is an addiction. Cheating is fun. Cheaters like cheating.

As long as your wife is around her affair partner your marriage is in jeopardy.
Actually, until your W gets into T, your marriage is in jeopardy.

There is no way she can keep this job and honor the vows she took with you.

Tell her she has a choice to make and then give her a deadline. I'd see a lawyer in the meantime. You know she has been thinking about this and has figured out a way she can stay married to you and still cheat, so do not be too generous with the deadline.

Over has to mean over, done, finished, ended. If she is not happy with you and willing to atone for the pain she caused you, there isn't much point in staying married. If she doesn't know the meaning of done, go ahead and show her.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I understand she has worked her whole life to get to the position she is at right now and she loves her job. I've grown accustomed to her being gone Monday-Thursday and I thought our love would overcome the issues with her job and not in a million years thought she would ever do this and that she told me that as well. I know that she still has tremendous love for me and wants to be with me but she is hurting badly for what she has done to me and she does not know if she can continue going on with the marriage knowing that she broke my heart. We have talked about the incident and she has said that she does not seeing herself having a relationship with this individual.She said I did made a huge mistake.Now it could easily pack up and hit the high road and move on.We have no kids together just two dogs.I'm trying to be the strong person here and trying to make this marriage work and she needs to build my trust back up.i've never questioned her in the past with anything because I knew that she loved me like no other.i'm giving her all the space that she needs, I do not call or text her but she does send a texts to me asking how i'm doing every now and again.I still love her and very much still in love with her and want to work through this mess.Thanks for listening!

You cannot make your marriage work all by yourself.

She said she loves you but cannot stay married to you because she hurt you?
This is crazy talk.

She said she made a mistake?
Cheating is a choice. A conscience choice.

She doesn't see herself in a relationship with this guy? I heard that kind of talk from my H about the tramp he was involved with. He was sure ready to risk his marriage for the chance to be with her.

Therapy for her. Therapy for you. Then after a while marriage counseling.
In the meantime, she has to start looking for another job.

I would never believe that person loves God, and cheats on a spouse. My husband devoted his life in helping others. I had to raise our 5 kids almost alone, because he "did Gods work". Last September I've found out that he has an affair with an ugliest woman that there is. She had kids from thre different men, her husband divorced her in 2014 and that's when my husband started to help her because " oh, poor woman with three kids". But it was ok that he never helped me with our kids. He didn't even keep it that much in secret, I just believe that Christian wife should not police a Christian husband. He should love God more then sex. I found out about it by accident, he used credit card points to book a hotel room, and I needed to use points for a plane ticket. The confirmation email had both of their names in it for some reason. I went to the hotel and calmly introduced myself to her as a wife of her lover. She told me that she knows who I was. At 60 years old this all doesn't make sense. I look really good, I'm smart, I supported my husband in everything, we are well respected, our kids educated, all five of them. We have trucking business, which I mostly run. When I asked why? My husband explanation was: as follows: as you saw, she's not much to look at, but the soul, she has an amazing soul, were his words. Devil has his fun with the guy that suppose to love God more then anything or anyone. If she has such wonderful soul, then how come three husbands have had divorced her? And not one of them for another woman. I found Facebook of the last one and asked him about it, he told me that she's an angel until they got married. She would hit him and call the police and tell them that he beat her up. And two exhusbands before him left her for the same reason. He told me that he met my husband once and told him all about it, but he didn't believe him. Her ex told me that my husband told him that he was a widower. This year we are married for 39 years. It was in January. He actually wanted to go and celebrate our anniversary ... He was all in puffs why nobody ( our kids) congratulated us. I still live in the same house separate room, but legally separated from him as of this month. Except for our kids and my brother and his brother I didn't tell anyone else about it, not even my best friend. But it is hard some days. Because I can't talk to my kids about it, I would never talk bad about their dad to them. As they all adults and live their lives, it didn't really effect them that much, because I keep really quiet about it. If we go to same events I take my own car and avoid him there. I would never ever take him back. Once cheat always a cheat. Even thou we live in the same house I live in my own room and he's in his. He cooks for himself, washes clothes and cleans after himself. I don't talk to him at all at home. At the business we have to talk, but really little. When I look at him as a man I want to throw up. As a Christian woman I will live the rest of my days alone, but that's compleatly fine with me. Even thou sex is a big part of humans life, and sometimes it's really difficult without it, but it's not an illness. My husband ignored me for three years, and told me that he's impotent, while at that time he was having extramarital sex. That's how I know that I'll be fine. But it's so much easier that I could tell my story. I love Jesus with all my heart. He's my strength and my support. But people need other people. As I don't want to be the one to expose him, it's his decision of the next move. I know it seems that I'm wrong, but I believe that what decisions husband and wife make, are uniq for each family. I'm really strong woman and I don't have a jealous bone in my body, that's why my husband got away with it for so long. I've never talk to that woman again. I refused to waste even a minute on a woman like that. I don't call her names, or anything like that. I found her ex, because I knew that woman with a "perfect soul", would never brake up a family.

she loves her job more than you
she loves her wants, needs, & impulses more than you
she travels with the guy whose cock she sucked and doesn't care that it rips you apart
she has you wrapped around her pinky
you don't see it that way because you love her and trusted her soooooo much
you loved her enough to give her the spotlight.
i'll bet that you even shined the spotlight on her
some people are in her shoes in relationship and realize that they are loved and cherished and this lifts their hearts
some people are in her shoes in a relationship and it reveals who they are inside, selfish takers that see you as weak
your wife is a soulless, selfish user of people, she has used up what she considers the best of you and will let you kiss her ass a bit before she discards you

Although, I am not happy to admit, I once did this to my husband and can tell you I fell in love with the guy I had an affair with. My connection with the guy had grown so strong I ended up leaving my husband. This was over 14 years ago and I am no longer with that guy but I must say if she is not willing to make changes she may have more feelings than you realize for the other person. I am so sorry you are going thru this. I remarried and ended up being on the opposite end and can tell you it hurt like hell.

Your wife is gas lighting you.

Telling you how much she loves you yet cheats on you and refuses to quit her job.

Guilt and self hatred are the reasons she told you, not because of remorse or love.

It is quite obvious in her actions that she does not know what marital love is.

Without no-contact with the affair partner there is no reconciliation.

Perhaps she isn't marriage material if she prefers a job that keeps her away most of the week. She likely just wants to do her own thing but have a stable home to come back to periodically.

She is accustomed to a selfish lifestyle where she comes first and doesn't appear to want to change that.

Consult a lawyer.

Forwardmotion ^^^ is throwing some harsh realities at you. But every relationship is unique, and these do not HAVE to be the ONLY options. None of us here know your wife as well as you do. Nor do we know your pain tolerance. Generally speaking, men and women tend to react differently to affairs. I know a couple very well, where the husband had an affair with a coworker and, through a lot of work, patience, love, a period of separation, and honesty, the couple came out the other side intact. The husband and coworker both kept their jobs. Who am I to judge any of the three of them?
Was it hard? DAMN RIGHT it was hard. But it IS possible.

I think in their case where she spends 4 of 7 days on the road and a lot of alone time with the affair partner, this isn't one of those situations where this would work.

Like an alcoholic working in a bar.

In any sense I doubt he would ever feel safe with that arrangement and lack of accountability on her part.

I feel you are 100% correct forwardmotion! As I am sitting here i'm wondering what she is doing right now, is she having dinner with this individual or doing other things. I had all the trust in the world for her. never questioned where she was or been. But now after what she has done I simply can not trust her at all. Like I said before she simply refuses to quit her job and I can not and will not tolerate this going on anymore. What she has done has completely destroyed me from head to toe and wonder if I could ever trust another woman in my life. I will eventually move on and hopefully my heart will mend itself back together. One other little side note is that our anniversary is this sunday and probably not going to be a very good day for me! Again thanks everyone for the advice and helping me, it is greatly appreciated!

Make sure to get some counseling to ensure you remove any codependency issues that allow you to be attracted to her type.

It's important to make sure you heal properly and have a better perspective so that history doesn't repeat itself.

My friend, listen, I have and still are going thru what you are. Couple of things that helped me.

Before I tell you, please don't act on alot of advice others give. What people don't understand the circumstances behind leaving a job with no other job to go to. Maybe you guys rely on her income to support the family, maybe she has the health coverage at her job for the family. People tend to say things cause there hurt and want revenge anyway they can.

I immediately started to talk to a counsellor and shrink, because you will feel alone out there with your mind spinning. If you have kids, don't react on the situation with them, there just kids being kids.

Attend some support groups where other's are going thru same thing, you will be surprised what you can benifiet from it and some groups actually go and do things, meet up for drinks, bowling Etc.

If you guys decide to stay together don't listen to people say anything negative. It's your life, heart not there's.

Stay strong it gets harder then easier at times.

J

So sorry what you're going through. I was completely trusting as you were, until I discovered a 2 year hidden work relationship my spouse was having with an ex girlfriend. I'm allowing therapy a chance to help flesh out whatever it was that happened (as my spouse has continually lied in the face of what I discovered, only to discover more that has revealed more lying--I mean, who does that unless you're hiding something major? There is some truth now, but not full disclosure). If this doesn't work and he can't be a grownup about it to take responsibility rather than focus on his own image or on rug sweeping, I walk away even though we have kids. They will be fine as I am the more present and patient parent, and will value the person I find next who does not have an obssessed relationship to work like my current H does.

My advice is to focus as much as you can on what you need, and what is reasonable to expect from her re: transparency. Look for actions, not words. It may be difficult for her to quit her job, but there may be other things she's willing to do to rebuild trust. If this is a co-worker, does HR have to be informed about the nature of their relationship: Is she willing to disclose this to HR? Or would that get her fired? If it's not a fireable offense, her HR may be able to take measures to manage this from the work side of things.

Anyway, any measures are her responsibility to take on.. Ideally she jumps to this herself, though you may have to assert your boundaries and be prepared to walk away to get her to come up with strategies to be accountable (sharing passwords to everything, having her use FaceTime to show you her hotel room, etc). She should read a book with the title like How to Help Your Partner Recover from an Affair. And a therapist can help you together figure out what seems like a workable plan to help her to be transparent and to regain your trust. The bigger thing might be, if/when you feel emotionally safe in your relationship (i.e., assured there is nothing going on going forward), to read Esther Perel's The State of Affairs to figure out what was happening for her/with her, what was happening in your relationship, that allowed this to happen (not that it isn't her choices that are at issue, but it can help her to figure out herself, and for you both to strengthen your marriage going forward, if that's where you're headed)

Short story: My wife did it at 12 years and then I found out last Tuesday that she was at it again. We are at 18 years. This one is much tougher.