So when you really needed your wife she decided to run into the arms of another man?

You ask how you should be feeling? How about hurt, disgusted, sad?

I think you need to take care of yourself. If you are not seeing a therapist, you should be. Let him
direct you. Your issues are more complicated with your depression.

I read a lot in ur message that you are making excuses why she cheated, its not becauyse of ur depression, its because of stupid choices SHE made, she could have done a 1000 other things to make things work with you but she choose cheating. This is something that keeps me standing, I too have depression and I know my relationship wasn't great either, but its not our faults that our partners choose to cheat that's all on them. Don't do "everything to keep her" let her do the work, you need to heal, which will take a long time. I agree with the counseling that was mentioned already, its helping me lots and my partner is also in therapy to find himself again and to figure out why he did this.
Of course you are thinking about it all day, you're world just came crashing down, this takes time, and take that time for yourself, now is ur turn, its not about her, she has to go your pace and if she cant than that says enough.
Good luck, know we are all going through the same pain, you're not alone

The feeling I have been having the past 24 hrs is just emptiness. I was a little emotional when I was first told, but since then it's just been empty feelings. Not angry, not sad, not anything. I don't know if it is still shock or something else. Anyone else every felt this way?

Yes I felt the same. It's still part of the shock. I'm 3 weeks in and still feel that emptiness. It's a normal part of the proces. It made me feel weird as I thought I would be mad or sad but after the initial first 4 days of shock and crying I just felt empty nothing else. It will change sometimes u feel empty than mad than sad and so on. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I have to say you mentioned depression. I started back on antidepressants 5 days in cause I couldn't cope. Not sure if you are on any but if not it may be something to consider as this is something so huge to deal with. Hugs

I think one of the hardest things is that I don't have any family or real friends I can talk to. I don't know, I want to forgive her and and fix our relationship. But I don't know if that is just scared of having no one or if i really want to fix it.

This is like it's my own words I'm in exactly the same situation no family around and also not clear if I'm scared to be alone or thatcivreally want toveork things out. If u want to chat shoot me a message sounds like we are in the same boat. Get a counselor though is wgat I recommend it is helping me for sure

Wife cheated after 4 years and confessed as well. I would suggest counseling individual and couples with a decent therapist.

The lions share of the work will need to be done by your wife in terms of helping you heal and mending the marriage. If you take it upon your shoulders to fix things then you will be enabling her. Staying because you don't want to be alone isn't a great reason to stay.

It will take some time for you to gain clarity on the situation and come out of the shock. It can take a few months for things to settle in your mind. It is brutal for the first bit but it does get easier even with the initial big down periods.

** Update** it's been a week since she told me that she cheated on me. A lot more has come out, but she won't tell me who. All I know is that she works with him. She works for a big company so she doesn't see him all the time (so she says). Last Friday I ask her to deleted all contact with this person from social media and other sources. She said she did and tonight she said that she hasn't and has been lying. But her response was that she stop contact weeks ago with him. I don't know if I really want to know who it is and the same time I do. I don't know if this information is only going to hurt me more. Every night she is crying and saying how sorry she is and how she doesn't want to loose me and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I just don't know what to do with all this information. It hurts finding out that she has been lying to me this week again!

She doesn't have the courage to tell you the truth straight out and this is called trickle truth. Usually it has to do with extreme shame and/or worry that if certain details get released you will leave her.

I suppose what she doesn't understand is that by doing this she is making the chances of repairing the marriage slimmer and your recovery harder.

Wisdom would not be the strong suit of a cheater and that is why counseling is very important to help guide recovery.

I'm sorry to read your story. Your wife may still be involved with her affair partner. There are certain measures which must be taken upon discovery day, if there is any chance at forgiveness and reconciliation.

If this person is a coworker, and she won't tell you who, you probably know who it is. She is more than likely also lying about not seeing him at work very often, and its probably the reverse, and someone like a direct coworker or boss. First thing she must do is change her place of work, and go go no contact with him. In front of you, she must remove all passcodes from digital devices and phone, and allow you to peruse through them at any time you desire, and this is something you need to do to see for yourself, the depth of the deceit. Excuses and deleted texts and information is a smoking gun, because when there's nothing there to hide, deleting would be counterproductive especially when you can use it to prove your innocence to your betrayed spouse.

Cheaters lie, it's what they do to perpetrate the affair, to assume they stop lying after d day, is absurd. Betrayed spouses are desperate for answers. They will eat anything that remotely sounds like it's over and it was a mistake. Mature men and women stoop to a level of naivety of a 12 year old, just to hold onto the world map which is currently shaking and shifting out from under them. You are not in any condition to be fixing this, nor is she. CS's can't fix the relationship they broke, they can only fix the cause of it being themselves. She will continue to lie to you, to preserve whatever dignity she has left, but also because she fears how it will affect your depression. She'll downplay it as most CS's do in an attempt to hold onto you and her AP, until you put your foot down.

She hasn't come clean; trying to sweep this under the rug to quickly forgive and move on, as if it didn't happen, isn't reality. Doing this is a CS's way of keeping you in the dark, so they don't have to divulge details and keep you out of digging in that part of the garden.

If you need a list of the steps to take as a recently betrayed spouse, you've come to the right place. There are many caring betrayed spouses here who will give you sound advice and guidance to help you through this very difficult time in dealing with the death of your marriage with a healthy mind.

Changing everything about you to try to keep your wife is the worst thing you can do for a number of reasons, all which end up hurting you the most. You may not be a good match for one another, and I would take the time to assess what's wrong with her and not you. CS's cheat because they're screwed up not because their loyal spouse is.

I would leave the relationship, and commence one with a good therapist, that can help you climb out of your depression, and for starters, deal with your low self-esteem that got you where you are now. Otherwise mistakes and your depression will follow you throughout your lifetime.

Wishing you well.

"This is the love of my life and would do anything for her (even change my whole person)" <-- DONT you ever tell yourself that man, please understand the whole "love of my life" thing is a fad and hugely overblown....it doesnt exist, is just a fantasy we create and put our spouse on a pedestal, is not healthy......get to a good therapist ASAP you need to rebuild your seld-esteem badly first and foremost

** update** it's been 3 weeks since my wife told me that she cheated on me and things are different. I've gotten out of the phase of hopeless and now it comes to some good days and some bad days. She is still very remorseful and almost every day tells me how sorry she is and how bad she feels for causing my pain. How she hates her self and how I could stay with her knowing that I might not ever be able to trust her again. I tell her that might be true but I believe that people deserve a second chance and that I'm not going to give up without trying everything. Am I dumb for "trying" or thinking this way. She went as far as taking her IUD out and telling me that she wants to have kids with me and spend the rest of her life with me. At this point I'm kinda just going day by day and not promising her anything.

I would suggest telling her to put the IUD back in. Bringing a kid into the mix with the uncertainty of the marriage continuing long term is going to be a bad situation for a kid.

You aren't dumb for giving a second chance if she is being authentic about change. The difficulty is making sure that she is being authentic and honest going forward.

Is she open with all her activities and online media/phone? Is she answering all your questions still? Is she pursuing counseling and committed to finding out her issues and changing/growing her character? Is she putting boundaries in place to make sure this never happens again? Does she take full responsibility for her actions and want to understand the level of pain and destruction she has caused?

It is wise to make tentative decision to see how things go if you decide to work on this and take it day by day.

Lenoire words come from a wisdom that must root within experience. This is a one-sided relationship. You fill in all the gaps of her stories with excuses and what you consider is love, but is more likely co-dependency. Your wife's trickle-truth is most likely a form of manipulation. I will give her the benefit of the doubt by submitting it is somewhat subconsciously interwoven into her communication with you by feelings of guilt. Guilt will not fix this. Her committed love and absolute honesty will. This is nothing you can do. You cannot produce it in her by changing yourself. You cannot generate it in her by loving her more. These are difficult decisions that must be made by her, then she must follow through each and every day. The actions are hers, not yours. The only actions I suggest are yours are to become a person complete without her. You must learn to love yourself, and realize you deserve far better than the betrayal and deceit she is inflicting upon you. In order to have a strong relationship with her or anyone else, you must work on making yourself whole and not dependent on another to be whole.

Sorry for the tough love, brother, but enabling a perpetual status quo is far, far worse. I pray for you to receive strength, peace, and conviction for your self-worth.

I concur with Idon'tmakeher; thank you for the kind words. I also concur completely with Imrj about placing people on pedestals and Forwardmotion's questions need to be read thoroughly and crossed off your list. You are vulnerable right now, and it's clear that you can be easily manipulated by a few pearls, promises and sound bites. This isn't the time to be thinking about taking her back, and wiping the slate clean, if you haven't crossed your T's and dotted your I's. You haven't answered anyone's questions about what measures you've put in place, so I'm presuming you haven't fearing you'll lose her if you pry. This is the worst place for a betrayed spouse to be, and the worst case scenario for a successful reconciliation.

Wishing you well.