Another thing. For the guys. Am I lame for not wanting to or being able to go and do the same ? I cannot get into the sex part if it is not with someone I care about. Do you ever feel like you want to go and experience what the cheater experienced ?

Brother, I'm sorry you find yourself here. On the up side: You're among friends.

First, Have the two of you been tested for STDs?

Second, I recommend you not go and cheat on your wife as revenge. Y'all got enough problems as it is, without having to work through that. Perhaps more important, just because your wife strayed from her marital vows does not give you permission to do likewise. Work on bringing her "up," and not taking yourself "down" to her level.

Understand that your wife cheated because she wanted to - and not as some kind of comment on how good the love making is between you two. Sex with someone new is exciting. Having an affair is an adrenaline rush. Really, it had very, very little to do with you.

get tested for stds, don't touch her until the results are in
don't revenge cheat- don't revenge anything
if she 100% wants to reconcile, you have to strongly consider such
if you do, it has to 100% otherwise you are wasting time for healing otherwise

try to make every choice with the long term best interests of your son in mind
be his father

If you can forgive her and feel you can trust her, you can move on with your marriage. Otherwise, my advice is to divorce. It's the reason why I divorced my exwife of 8yrs. I just couldn't forgive or trust her again.

I would protect yourself physically, as everyone suggested, go get tested for STD and wear protection.

I was told by my therapist that for some cheaters, its the thrill of the chase and attention of a stranger. It's something different from life's regular routine. Some feel the need to be validated from someone else other than their spouse/partner who they would expect to love them.

For others, its simply the adrenaline rush and possibility of getting caught more than the sex from a stranger.

You wondering if the sex with a stranger is better, wondering if she is thinking about them while with you, wondering if she will find someone else and do the same thing is normal.

It's going to take A LOT of therapy for you both to get through this if this is what you want. But you both have to want to go through counseling.

From what my counselor told me the statistics of affair relationships ever coming to fruition is 5%. The affair relationships never work out because in the end, for one of the two, it will be a repeat pattern or there is always that room for doubt (i.e. if they can do it to their ex, what if they do it to me?). Or the fact the person never leaves their spouse for the affair.

YOU have to focus on you. It's painful. It will take time.

I've been through it and continue to go through therapy for it. My fiance isn't perfect but he's being patient. I find myself seeing red flags where there isn't any, etc. so I just have to focus on me.

Ditto much of the above. Yes, it does get less painful and the initial stages of doubt, grief and anger abate. I’m at almost a year since full disclosure D-Day (long stupid story involving LIES and LIES). Triggered today by a pair of shorts in a store that she wore when they first hooked up (thanks Facebook!!). Had to sit down in the store. Still teary and shaken. He tries to be better but he’s not the one in my head, I am. The doubt and recriminations circle in my heart every damn day. So, what do I advise for you?

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Feel the pain. Give yourself an effing break. Go to the gym. Take your kid to the park and really, really listen to his laugh. Remember what you wanted before you were married. Remember you are absolutely loveable. Remember her choices are NOT yours. Your choice to love wholly and authentically is a good thing. We may have given wholly but it was they who decided to use us. Not your circus. Not your monkey. Get thee to a yoga mat (not even kidding), church pew, or/and nature. Remember you are a kind and loving human being who deserves to be loved.

In terms of her—-my stupid husband did the same thing. Big Boobs was available, gave him what he wanted nsa (until she was told no more then it hit the fan, LOL), and made him feel like a million bucks. The strangeness of crazy monkey sex with her, the power that she gave him to dominate her (his words), everything they did that he “thought” I wouldn’t do...these are justifications for a simple truth—-my H is a selfish person intent on serving himself first. I have spent he last year rebuilding myself. Now, I’m looking at this marriage and whether it should be saved, not if it can be—his life has only gotten better. Mine? Well, my kids are amazing and some days that is enough.

Where to from here? IDK. No one does. But I do know that every day I am stronger and you will be too. If this was your best friend what would you say to him? Follow your advice because you would have his best interest at heart—so, too for you.
And, I am sorry she made this choice. It really does suck.

Thank you all for replying.
I am having a bad day today. Just thinking of the way in how she wanted him sexually and how I know for sure after being together 14 years she could never feel that way sexually towards me. Even in the beginning when me met. Cause we waited a while before having sex. This guy was a complete stranger. And she went back the next day for sex again. Was he this good. Was it just the way he made her feel ? Any one would like if an atractive person gave them attantion. But that does not mean you just go and sleep with him. She says she was in a dark place and with a lot off stress at work. She says she never felt good enough anywhere she went. Work of home. And this man made her feel good enough.
So where does that leave me nog feeling good enough. And this other man knows my wife was willing to have sex with him while I was at work working for her and my son.
Wil I ever be good enough. What women would just have sex with me ? No women.

I am not confident wih women esspecialy strangers. So here I was thinking I have a companion in a shy wife that is just as shy as I am.
How do you have sex with someone you met only once ?????

How do you have the courage to undress and go thru with sex with a man that is not your husband ?
Leave me alone in a room with a sexy women and I would feel too guilty to even engage in sex with het. She enjoyed it and even came home and had sex with me that night. I only found our n month later by catching her sending him messages.

This is not easy to see. And to learn. About the person you thought is this shy girl that wants only her husband.

How do I even feel I am good enough. When I get sad she tells me she is sorry and she wish she could go back and never have done it. But she cant she only wants to love me now.

But then I feel she is making it out to being nothing serious. Just sex outside of marriage. No big deal.

I am drowning some days.

Any cheaters here that can tell me from a womans point of view if the affair sex was really always so hot. She got so turned on by him that on her way to him she had to buy new underwear. She says she was nog herself. And that is not the type of person she is or am now.

Sorry for the long reply.

Stop pushing for the answers. Stop pushing her to talk about it. You are punishing yourself more and more along with her. You do not need to know the size of his penis or if he did things you did to her. It isn't a competition and I doubt that she was primping and preening on the way over too. It was probably nerve wracking and not fun at all.
What you need to work on now is how to get past this infidelity. Is it a marriage killer or will this be something you all use to make your relationship stronger. Asking her to cover all the bases on where he touched and when he touched will only make it more painful, not less. I speak from experience. One of my exes had many affairs on me (not the one I am divorcing right now) and never once did the details make it easier for me to forgive.
You have to make a decision, but it can't be with more details. You have to either be OK and get past this with therapy for both of you or you have to say that it is unfix-able and you have to move on (please try the therapy with this too). Any other choice is going to just torture both of you.

Kitties. So you say I must not want to know if she had the best sex ever with him ? And that I do not need to know if she allowed him to come inside of her. Even though she went to buy morning after pills afterwards. I have better days and then like yesterday terrible days. That I fight with her for what she did. With a complete stranger. She shaved down there for him. She messaged him about how she is getting ready for him. She met this guy once at her shop where she worked. She resigned and is now working with me that makes everything more complicated.
Can I ever give her what he gave her ? She says she does not want what he gave her but everything that I can give her.
I hate my life so much. But to kill myself I leave my boy without a dad. Even leaving will break his heart. We are really close. We use to be a great team, me my son and I. And she still went ahead and had sex with someone off the streets.

It's hard for you to understand right now being in the shock phase after D-day.

The affair had nothing to do with you or the state of your marriage.

There is something broken morally, emotionally, and with their sense of self and self esteem.

It likely has been broken since childhood and now the cracks in the dam have blown wide open in the event of an affair.

If she married you or Fabio it would have inevitably happened. All it takes is a low/weak period and an opportunity. In life and marriage you are guaranteed that the stars will aligned quite a few times.

Half of the population have affairs because humans are selfish and self centered at the core.

If you really knew who she was underneath all these years you would not be so surprise of her actions. We all learn this as we heal from our spouses' affairs.

Read the "welcome to the newly betrayed" post and you may get a better sense of what happened and the next steps.

Whyme33: You want to know the details because you do. I did/do the same thing. The MC says it is to shape my new reality and have some control over choices I did not make. A semblance of control. Is it "better" to know or not? IDK. I know that I drive by BB's house once a week for work. I see their park, their hotel, their skate park, their pictures on Facebook and the phone logs from her husband in my closet (he sent them to me when he discovered her burner phone). After almost a year, I've calmed down, a lot. Spent a year getting better inside me--major overhaul to a shattered ego, sense of self, etc. Marriage is on a rope, but not the flaming hot mess it was while he lied and lied about their "friendship". I am very close to release of the hurt (I hope!!) and that will be a turning point where my marriage survives--or not.

Knowing about their sex life gives me insight into what he was hiding from himself and me; quite frankly, it serves as a reminder when I start to reminisce about our "perfect" life. I remember that while I was standing in the pouring rain with kids, business, family, social stuff, he was stuffing her all over the city and blaming me for not being "into him" and not "giving him enough". It is not to pull myself back into the pain and become a "sufferer" but rather to remember I gave more than I got and that is not OK. In time, the actual acts will recede; lasting changes you make to you are what will propel you forward.

With the suicidal thoughts/idea, get to counseling. NOW. Your son does not deserve to lose you, too. Letting them win by taking yourself out is not the answer. Love yourself enough to stay engaged with your son. Such is the best antidote to the ugliness surrounding your world.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. You are spending a lot of time and energy trying to "unravel the skein"...why did she, how could she, etc. We all have spent some amount of time doing this. Let me fast track the answer for you (read my post "welcome to the newly betrayed"). These people are not wired like you and I. They seek only the attention, the thrill, etc. They do not have the same level of feeling of love, guilt, commitment as the rest of us. They are selfish, entitled, impulsive people. If you asked them why and they answered honestly, the answer would be "because I WANTED to". None of this is about you at all, even though I know right now it feels like it is. You are merely a husband appliance to her. Get therapy for yourself, get STD tested, love your son. I wish you well.