Sorry this has happened. Where do things stand now? Meaning, is she asking you to take her back, or is she still wanting to separate? Is she still in contact with her affair partner that you know of? You don't have to decide anything permanent right now. However, I would get yourself tested for STD's right away, no matter what she says, and honestly would hold off sleeping with her until you do, and maybe even longer. Regardless of what you end up doing, looking into getting a counselor for yourself is a good option, and absolutely necessary to get a couples counselor if you're even thinking of staying w her.....

We are going to counselling and want to work it out. She told me and our counsellor that she had not had any contact with the guy. I didn't even think of the std test. I will ask for that tomorrow. To be honest I'm prob going to stay with her regardless because my love for my daughters is too strong. Should I feel guilty about that? Have you cheated or been cheated on?

I think if you are prepared to forgive her then you need counselling to help you on this journey which is sounds like you're doing. You do need the std check, my husband & I were separated when he slept with someone else & I know that's not the same but it feels the same. I don't know if we will make it (I'm doubtful as we have more than that to contend with) but I think your wife sounds genuinely devastated at what she's done. If you are going to stay you need to learn how to forget what's happened as if it rears its head in arguments you may not make it. I wish you a lot of luck x

Thank you for the kind words speechless1000. I will be talking to her tonight to get tested. I have talked with a lot of people about this and I'm learning that being cheated on will always be there. I just need to be able to live with it. Kinda like a death. It's alaways there you just need to learn how to cope. I will do this regardless until my daughters are old enough to understand. I just can't leave now because it would kill me to not be there everyday for ny girls. Especially when they are so young. And to be honest. I don't think my wife really gets how painful it is. We had our issues and I had a helping hand in pushing her away but don't think I deserve this!

Karma16, you did not deserve this. I know how this hurts. I stayed for years because of the children. That was a mistake on my part. My situation is different. My STBX is a serial cheater and never cared for me. If your wife wants to work this out and truly loves you. Give her a chance if you feel you need to do that but do not stay for the kids. You should stay for yourself. Stay because you love her, stay because she loves you, stay because even if you don't need her you want her. But staying for the kids ...they will get used to it and you can always have a good relationship with them if you put their wellbeing first. But stay or go...for yourself.

I feel for you. I know how it feels to be cheated on. The shame I felt when I had to be tested for STD's after being with the same woman for 22 years.
I believe it takes just as much work to reconcile as it does to split and heal oneself. To reconcile, you still have to work on yourself...if you don't those feelings of rejection, pain and hurt will never go away. Takes 2 to really make that work.
My stbx is a narcissist and what she did to me and the number of men she was involved in, made my choice easier. I was not going to put myself through all that work to save this marriage because I knew I'd be the only one to be willing to work at it. She checked out of the marriage long ago.
My decision was still hard, but I'm looking after myself and as time goes by I realize how toxic this relationship really was. I'm moving on...that was my choice
What ever you decide...you will have to work. There's no easy way. I wish you the best. Be well and be strong.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Individual counseling for each of you and at some point counseling together is important if you are going to stay. You may have it in you to forgive, but you will never forget. Its not realistic or healthy to forget. Yes you can try to work through it and try to move past it, but it cannot ever be undone. That is hard for some cheaters to understand. It can become smaller and less frequently at the forefront of your mind, but it is always there. You never had a choice or a say in the matter but you are expected to deal with and learn to live with the consequences when you stay and try to reconcile. It is not easy. Do what is right for you.

All very good replys. To answer your question Karma, my now-EX-husband cheated on me, and it did lead to us getting divorced. I caught him in 2 affairs at once (neither of them knew about each other, but one of them knew about me and was actually someone I had considered my friend)! We separated instantly for 1 month (I kicked him out right away). Our son, J, was not even a year old at that point. He came back literally begging on hands and knees after a month, and said he'd do anything. I had a list of requirements, and he agreed to them. Looking back now, I took him back mainly out of shock, fear of being alone, "for my son," all of the common reasons. However, had I known then what I know now, I would not have done it.

That's where it differs for everyone. Some CS (cheating spouses) really DO the work, make a 180 degree change, commit to all that it takes, etc. That said, it still is very hard even when they do that. We were "reconciling" for about 3 months before it ended for good. He tried to get me back several times after that, and has made statements that lead me to believe that to this day, if I gave in, he would want to come back. But it will never work for us. The damage done was too great, he ultimately could not fully own what he did, he did not change but only got sneakier. His lies were too many, and trust cannot be built.

So, I hope for you that if you want to repair, you can. I know not all people are like my ex. However, and this may seem harsh, but trust me, ALL cheaters have a few things in common.
They LIE. You have to lie to yourself, your spouse, and to others in order to have an affair. Therefore, again, it may seem "impossible" to you now, but trust me that she is a liar. Do not take anything for her word at this point. If you do, you'll only get burned. Trust has to be rebuilt, she broke it, and it won't be rebuilt overnight. She needs to give you access to ALL accounts, passwords, emails, cell phones, where she is at all times and with who, etc. If you fail to get these and take her at her word, that leaves the door wide open for her to continue or resume an affair. If she refuses to give these to you, or acts wounded that you want all of this, that is a huge red flag. No secrets, no privacy, for a very long time, if not forever. It IS necessary.
Not necessarily "once a cheater, always a cheater," but YES, unless they are willing to do the hard work and intensive therapy to get to the root, within themselves, of how they were able to justify such a selfish and devastating act. If she blames you or justifies it at all, that is a huge red flag.
Were you a perfect husband? I don't know you but I know 100% no you werent. Because there is no such thing. Literally every couple has problems. Literally all humans are self serving in some way or another. We all have flaws. But guess what??? That's no reason for an affair!!! If she says it is, or even alludes to that, again, huge red flag that she feels entitled to cheat instead of dealing w couples problems in a healthy way. She could have talked to you about her concerns with you, asked you to go to therapy, or even ended things with you. But instead, she decided to cheat on you. You do NOT deserve it. No one does.
Staying "for the kids" is what many people jump to, but it never works. Will your life turn upside down in a split, for sure. But it already has, and there is no going back, regardless of your choice. If she does the work, something new can be built. But if not, you will be keeping your kids in a dysfunctional home. You will be teaching them that 1) it's ok for married people to cheat 2) they have to accept it if someone cheats on them. Yeah, they are little now but they don't stay little, and eventually they will pick up on things, especially if your wife doesn't change her ways. Kids are super intuitive, beyond what we give them credit for.
It is hard to see it now, an affair is like a death. You will go through the stages of grief, like with a death. Denial and bargaining are often right at the beginning. Anger, depression, eventual acceptance will come too and you may go back and forth in stages. Don't make any permanent decisions to stay, accept, trust, allow, etc right now, because you are in denial and bargaining, which is normal.
Sorry, I don't mean to be doom and gloom, but a dose of realism is helpful. Successful repair is very hard. Only you can decide what to do, and in reality it may be too soon to know. It is not an easy road regardless. Keep up with the therapy. Coming here helps too, although this board can be hit and miss, sometimes there are more people over on Divorce/Breakups and Healthy Relationships, if you aren't getting replies here. I truly hope good things for you. One website I do recommend is ChumpLady.com. Some of her wording upsets people who still have their cheater on a pedestal. However, she tells it like it is. Worth reading.
(((HUGS)))

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling; pain at the hand of selfish, toxic and childish behavior is never easy. (I'm the cheater in my marriage)

There is another group here, 'Cheaters Anonymous' where some betrayed spouses like yourself look to find understanding and insight into the thought patterns of those who have been unfaithful. Some believe the group normalizes the behavior in a negative way (believe it or not, we are humans too, many with a very loving and compassionate outlook in life). It may help in your healing process to explore where your wife may have been coming from. I believe empathy is always an asset to any difficult issue. Forgiveness is not an easy path, but it's possible.

Cheaters Anonymous is for cheaters not for betrayed spouses. Spending any amount of time on that board, for a betrayed spouse, would be a waste of time. There is no need to understand or get access to the insight and thought patterns of CS's for a number of reasons, but mostly because we already know what they are: entitlement, selfishness, and opportunism. It's pretty simple, they want more than what they feel they have, and go about getting it, regardless of who they might hurt. Trying to figure out anything more is futile, because there isn't anything more, it's a character flaw. If you were to ask a CS, most are emotionally incapable of figuring it out themselves. The, "we are all human" line, is an unacceptable and trashy excuse for irresponsible behaviour spewed by those who refuse to live by normal standards.

I agree with Happymama2j, that being realistic about this, is paramount, and it can come back to bite you in the ass. There are hard and fast guidelines that must be adhered to in order to culminate an environment for a successful reconciliation.

The part where you say you fell out of love and became disconnected for two years, isn't something to just sweep under the rug. I'm thinking your love feelings have come back as a reflex of the infidelity, and your attempt to secure what you know. There's a reason why you fell out, and without analyzing it and getting to the bottom of it, it will only repeat itself.

I wish you well

It is hard to move past the hurt but it can be done. It's been 4 years for us and we had counselling. There are moments when I'm paranoid and he has to accept this. I have come to a point where I can make a Joke out of it and not throw it at him in every argument but that takes a lot of time.I'm now at the stage of no matter what I do if he wants to cheat again he will so I refuse to stress too much on it...it would be his loss and he knows it