Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I noticed that we were not as close as before. Slowly drifting apart. At time I felt neglected. I thought it was about busy with work as shes always with her phone. I asked her once before and she said it's work.
After a few weeks, i just couldn't take it anymore and I asked her if I still have a value to her. She couldn't answer me. I asked if there is someone else. She denied it until I said I want to check her phone. She admitted that she was/is seeing someone for the past few months. I asked who it was but she won't tell me. What difference would it make she said.
Her words sliced my heart so deeply. It hurts so severely I went numb and was shaking for a while and then I cried. I was surprised I didn't get angry. I never would have thought that she could do such thing. She is so sweet and innocent.
Then I asked her to choose but I can't. I told her to take her time and really think about it before making any decisions. I couldn't eat nor sleep for few days. She got upset and said that will only drive her away. So i put on a mask and pretended like nothing happened. So did she. So perfectly done.
A few days after that, I just couldn't keep it in and I demanded for the answer. Me or him. She said, no, it's either me or herself. There's no him. I got confused. So i told her the same thing to think about it. Think about our daughter I said.
As I could sense that she is hiding something, that night while she was sleeping, I checked her phone. She was still with him. They talked about what happened to him. Every details. Also i learned that he is married. And I did something I regretted. I read their previous messages. My broken heart was torn to many small pieces and then burned to ashes. It was to intense. I wrote down his number and planned to call him the next morning.
I just wanted to talk to him. I want to know what does he want. Does he really love her? I know that she is happy with him. But if he really loves her, I would let her go. I just want her to be happy. But, he said he was busy for a few weeks and gave reasons. That was all we spoke. I didn't call him back.
The next time I saw my wife, she got angry as to why I call him. She didn't know that I checked her phone. She said don't bother her friend. Yes, she didn't admit who he was. I didn't say to her that I already know that he is the guy. I could feel my heart being crushed.
We continue to live like 'normal' for a few days and got into a fight. She exploded and said she wanted to get a divorce. She couldn't take it anymore. She was financially stress. (We are having money issue but we pull through every month.) She wanted to live alone. I know that is not true but I kept quite. I know he was still there. She said that she hang on this long because of our daughter. She scared that she might lose her. But a divorce was what she wanted.
That happened a few hours ago and now she is sleeping next to me, close to the other edge of the bed. And now I am writing this here.
I love her so much. Nothing can change that. Even after all those messages that I read. I still love her with whole my heart even though it is hurting like hell. I don't want to lose her. I want her back. I want to be like before all this.
Do I still have a chance? What should I do? Should I give more time for her to think about it?
*I am sorry for posting such a long post. Thank you for reading.
You ask if you have a chance. It's unfortunate rolls should be turned around. She should be begging for another chane5. The fact she isn't is not a good start of recovering from an affair. U can't fix a marriage on ur own both of you need to be 100 percent committed. She needs to be renorsefull and she's neither by the sound of it.
It's time to work on urself on ur own happiness. Consider therapy it will help you see things in perspective. Take some distance. You can't force her to love you and be witb you no matter how nice of a guy you are. She's the only one tgats responsible for her actions and choices.
Take care of urself and your daughter for now. Who knows you may get together down the road but she has a lot of counselling to do herself. At this point do you really want to be with soneone who betrayed you and hurt you so intensely? Lies to you and disrespects you.
Please get STD tested and take care of urself with counseling. All you can do gor now is work on a happy you as hatd as it is. Take care.
She was never sweet/innocent, either you created this fantasy of her or she put forth a good façade over the years.
Second you appear to be afraid to be alone and in your fear you are enabling her to continue having an affair with impunity.
While a spouse who cheats has no respect for the offended spouse, in this case you are perpetuating the problem by not demanding respect.
You chase after her when it should be her chasing after you. A person with self respect would not allow abuse to continue. As was noted in the previous comment, she should be begging you for a second chance.
You just want her to be happy, even at the expense of your dignity and ongoing abuse?
Please get some individual counseling at the least to help process your thoughts and emotions.
If she doesn't repent, confess, and turn away from her lies and betrayal, there is no hope for the marriage. You can't control someone else's actions.
And have you ever wondered how these cheaters can sleep like a baby when you're completely destroyed (can't eat, can't sleep, a bundle of nerves) by their infidelity? They are not wired the same way at all!
Ultimately, we did stay married and I cut my AP out of my life, and we are in a much different place. What helped? Time and discernment counseling (which began about 4 months after discovery). Our therapist had us agree to take a break from talking about my affair or working on the marriage, except in her office each week. At home, we were to try to build a friendship and be effective coparents. In some ways, it reminds me of "The 180" that some BS use after an affair. Once the dust had settled, we could better choose a path forward.
I get it that some BS give an ultimatum and file for divorce if the CS doesn't immediately pull themselves together. That is certainly your prerogative. I'm suggesting discernment counseling as an alternative if you are stuck and not ready to call it quits.
Like you, I suspected it before he was caught, after he was caught, he at first tried to keep her name from me, but eventually gave me her name. The next day he moved out of our home , all the while spewing lies about the situation and became upset with me for contacting the OW husband. Over the next 6 weeks, we talked and fought, we had sex, and then he went back to his mother's the next morning. I truly didn't want to believe that he was still seeing her, although I knew there was someone because he never brought his phone around me when we were together. I can't even begin to explain the horrible things he did. However, my heart ached for him. I tried seeing other men, but I just couldn't deny my heart. I made it very known I loved him so much but I was becoming tired of the back and forth. One day, we had a n argument, and standing on his mother's porch, I knew I couldn't and wouldn't with stand the heart ache a day longer. I told him that i was done .. (I had said this so many times to him), but this time I knew it was true. Then he just decided that he wanted to come home. He did. However, in the months that followed I found out details that hurt me so bad I thought I would surely die. We are married now and it's still hard. I love this man so much.
My advice to you is this, and it's hard to follow but please believe me when I say it's the only way. People are feee, no matter how much we want them, we can't force them to stay. Right now, she doesn't know this man like she knows you, she knows only what he's chosen to show her, and I guarantee he's only showing the good and making the good seem better than what it is. You have to trust in your gut. I knew when he left me it wasn't done. I knew there was no way I could love him so much and the person who had loved me so much just stopped. So I reminded him whenever I saw him that I loved him. However, I didn't chase him, I didn't stalk him, I didn't stalk her. So let her go, but as she goes let her know you love her and you want your marriage. While she's gone, work on you, join a gym, find hobbies, find faith. Think about your marriage, what could you have done better? None of us are perfect. I remembered how I bitched at him about leaving dirty clothes everywhere, and suddenly those dirty clothes didn't seem so important. Remember, you aren't looking for reasons to exuse her affair or cast the blame on yourself, only reflect upon things you would like to change if you reconnect or with a new love. Have a friend you can call at 2am when the pain is so bad you feel like it will kill you. Don't call her. Work out visitation for your daughter and stick to it. One of two things will happen, you will find yourself and become a better person without her or you will reconnect with her. Also, join a support group, go to a counselor . I joined this group because it makes me feel better to help others.
If the two of you reconnect.
Take it slow.... 1)demand full disclosure of any details you think you can handle 2) do not let her drag out the truth... my husband did this to me and it made healing so much more difficult. Take the bandaid off fast. Let it hurt and let it heal . 3) make sure she has ended it. There is no keeping him around. I hope you are able to find happiness. It's out there, I'm still struggling, and I don't have all of the answers, take it one day at a time.
It is dangerous to marry someone who cheated on you before they even took the vows. A person like that has shown themselves to be dishonest and untrustworthy. Marriage is hard and as you age you need to trust that person with your life as you could get sick or be in a bad place.
When you picture yourself in a position of weakness and need, who do you trust will be by your bedside when you have little to give and require a lot of time and help?
A person who can't keep their promises, betrays you, and acts out of self interest without a care to the pain it will cause you?
My wife being completely repentant and us having a young child together have been factors for giving her a second chance. If we were not married I would have just left her and started over without the baggage.
It hurts like H.... but there is a woman out there that WILL appreciate you.
Take care
Now he can ruin her life instead.
Two unhealthy people of poor character will fail. How do you think that relationship will fair? Is it a relationship build on trust, honesty, and self sacrificial love?
There is a reason why the statistics are so poor for cheating couples getting together.