Well from a guys perspective. We tend to be people that believe we can handle things on our own.

Going to marriage counseling is much easier than individual counseling because the spouse is there and so it isn't focused just on the man.

In individual counseling, he would have no place to hide and so all of his problems/insecurities would be focused upon. This can be very uncomfortable for a guy. NO guy really likes to admit weakness.

Have you two discussed why he had the affair?

I just thought that since this was the person we worked with ( she already knows the story)It would do him good to have a few private sessions.
We have discussed the EA , but he hasn't told me why it happend and tells me he does not know why it did...

I thought the same thing chewdy. My H feels comfortable with our MC and she knows his story. He hasn't been but 3 times since D_Day a yr ago. We went before the A but apparently it happened anyway.

I agree with sullen. That is a man for ya and a guilty one at that. Not sullen but our men.

LOL

I am very much that way. That is why I think I have an idea why he doesn't want to go to MC.

Even having gone before to the Counselor, there is a shift in the dynamics.

I went to one counselor a few times by myself. I hated it. I always felt so emotionally spent coming out from it.

MCing was different because it became more of a conversation and not a probing of my inner workings.

It just feels like he doesn't care enough about me or our marraige to do this simple request. This was something he said he would do and I am taking this very hard.

Here is one for ya. Several months back (I am in 12 mos since D-Day) while attending MC alone and doing everything I could to change myself in hopes of winning him back, she suggested we attend a 3 day marriage retreat. Very intense and for couples on the brink of divorce. $700 so it better be good! Presented it to H and in the throes of his A he was not interested. Now that I am getting stronger and started the 180 he decided to go to a session w/me. She knew he had turned it down so she offered it up in a new way to him as one last ditch effort to decide if we want to make it or break it. Suffice to say he sounded interested but a week went by and no mention of . He came in one day another week later and asked if it is something I want to do. (I had already seen lawyer but he did not know) I told him sorry the offer is off the table. You made no attemp to go when I offered and did not make any arrangements and reservations when counselor offered, so sorry too late. He ripped up the paper and trashed it. Now......another week or so later I sit him down and tell him I found a lawyer and drew up divorce papers. He decides to break contact with OW even though he insists the PA is over, and asks me to give him a week for us to think about us and if we decide to work it out then we can go to the retreat. This Monday is the deadline and as much as I want to go I still have reservations about it.

Oh I just can't handle a man that is a freacking mess. I sometimes wonder if this is all worth it. What is it like to be with a person that could not hurt the one they love! I think my H knows how much this has hurt me and yet he does not know how to make it better.I took all the "books" and tossed them in the garbage yesteday and he was not very pleased that I did that. " after the affair" and love dare and something esle. I said if he can't use them to continue with our repairing this marrage then we don't need them. I think I'm just in that mood becasue we are coming up to 1 year!

I think it is completely up to the cheater to make the effort. They created the mess and they need to show they want to fix it and make it stronger. I went to MC with my ex and really, truly wanted to fix the communication issues we had and had become habitual with. I wanted a closer connection with him because we had gotten busy and had not been focusing on "us" like we should have. We went but only he knew he had been having an affair with someone he met online. Only he knew he was screwing his "best friend" a woman who lived next door with her H. He said he wanted to improve things. He told the counsellor that there was nothing he wanted more than to get "us" back on track because he had never loved anyone the way he loved me. He said these things to her to make it look good. He said it so he could tell other people that he "tried" when in fact he hadn't ever tried, not once, not ever. There was no real or honest effort to save a family and a life together of 13 years. I will never understand that. I will never forgive that, making me feel like there was hope and that he loved me when he never really did. Actions speak louder than words in all cases. In my case, my ex's actions screamed he didn't give a sh*t about me, our kids or our family. "Us" was never even considered. I feel sad for him to place such little value on what actually is the most important thing in life. The fact he wants to be with another liar and cheat says more about him, his lack of character and honor, than it ever will about me.
Look for the actions. Words are just words. If it is not backed by sincere effort and concrete actions to make amends and repair then there is no hope unfortunatley. A remoreful person swallows their pride and their uncomfortableness because they know they need to do so to make things better and to change themselves. If they don't show this then my advice is to walk away and never look back. It isn't anything you did or anything you didn't do. It is only about their lack of character, empathy and remorse. You deserve much better than that. Never forget it.

1. No, you are NOT being too demanding

2. i think he is afraid to go alone, because of what he might hear or discover about himself.

a self-involved man would not go, but a REAL man would; to show consideration for his spouse, and to try and really delve into his own psyche to see what made him do what he did, and act the way he acted.

really, what is his reason for NOT going?

lastly, thanks newwoman for this:

"Look for the actions. Words are just words. If it is not backed by sincere effort and concrete actions to make amends and repair then there is no hope unfortunatley. A remoreful person swallows their pride and their uncomfortableness because they know they need to do so to make things better and to change themselves. If they don't show this then my advice is to walk away and never look back. It isn't anything you did or anything you didn't do. It is only about their lack of character, empathy and remorse. You deserve much better than that. Never forget it."

i LOVE that - wanna put it as my status, but not sure it will fit.

ps. i wouldnt want to renew my vows quite yet, in light of this situation. still seems like there are issues to resolve ... if you renew the vows now, he might think thats the end of everything, and from your post, i feel like you still have some healing to do.

Please do yourself a favor and don't renew anything until you get to the bottome of this. Why did you quit couples counseling? That counselor should have suggested single counseling for both of you also. I obviously don't have all the answers but it's never good if someone doesn't want to do whatever is necessary , to fix their relationship. Does he really want to fix it? Why is he telling you he did it? Is he blaming you? There is alot of information to find out about here. Alot of questions to ask. Cheaters generally blame everyone , but themselves and don't take responsibility for their actions. It's not good that he won't go for counseling and renewing your vows will not fix the problem.