Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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crazymoon5150 01/12/2010

What do you do when your Best friend of over 20 years is now the OW of another Best friend? I have known both of them for over 20 years the Guy I have known since kindergardern and my best friend since the 9th grade, I am going to be 37... well, to make a long story short , My best friend had been miserable in her 17 year relationship, this I know , because we have had years of long discussions, my guy friend, who is still married and both have kids ,J & A I will call them A for the guy and J for my BFF. Well A has al ways been in love with J since were were freshmen, she completly blew him off , better off friends , met and married her STBX... well A married 12 years ago, we all drifted apart, except J and I , we have been extremely close for 20 years, well she helped me through the worse time in my life, when I found out my H cheated on me with a co worker of his ,Now this situation with J and A, is the mirror image of mine, my BFF pretty much busted up their marriage, she may have casually left her husband I think the affair had been going on alot longer then she told me, but A up and left his wife for J . told his wife he never loved her , always been in love with J, its reopening old wound for me because what A; wife is going through is ecxacly the mirror image minus my H never loved the OW, met her at work , but now the are so mean towards the spouses, laughing at them, its really bothering me and I ve said to both of them, that this is not a joke, your messing with lives. I dont know what to do I can not believe these two rational level headed people who are both my best friends are acting like this, they are ditching thier kids who all three are under 7, Im being dragged in the middle the spouses are calling me and FBing me ,and emailing me, they are train wrecks, on top of reopening some of my old wounds ,I hope this makes sense, I am at a loss. it is like we area ll back in high school and nothings changed, minus the two destroyed spouses and the trail of wreckage they are leaving in their wake, and when I try and talk to them they get offended if I offere advice to the spouses then they are offended, I have known all the parties involved for 20 years, ??????? any suggestions. I dont want to lost my best friend ,but yet shes tearing me apart>

directingpond 01/12/2010

I know it may not be what you want to hear- but I think you should ditch them. As a society, it's promoted that cheating is ok. We know it's not, and should stand by our convictions. Losing 2 good friends will hurt, but cheaters never give a crap about who they are hurting. Stay true to you.

deleted_user 01/12/2010

If you care to be in the midst of this, then in the end, the high road is to comfort the fallen, i.e., the betrayed spouses. It is the correct thing to do. The laughing, giddy school kids you call friends who cheated with each other can take care of themselves. I will assure you, you will feel better about yourself knowing you were trying to do the morally correct act, not the support morally corrupt act.

Your dignity is more valuable then your supposed 'best' friend.

-TheRule

deleted_user 01/12/2010

I am in agreement with what has been said here. I couldn't offer anything better. Your friends have chosen a selfish path and if their own children's well being isn't of interest to them then your well being definately is not on their radar. They want you to be okay with it because deep down they know it is wrong but they need validation.
You know what it is like to be the betrayed. You know that no matter how bad a relationship is, betrayal is never deserved by anyone. All relationships have issues, some major and some maybe shouldn't stay together but there is never an excuse or a reason to rip someone apart this way. Never. You know this and your dilema is that you are looking at your friends and expecting them to be the decent honorable people they USED to be. They aren't that anymore. They aren't even considering what you have been through and they witnessed it.
Be there for the betrayed ones and pray for the cheaters to come to their senses and out of the fog.

deleted_user 01/12/2010

I was in a situation that was slightly similar many years ago. My former best friend pursued a married man, carried on affair with him and urged him to leave his wife and 3 innocent children. She got pregnant and he left his wife and married her. While I didnt support her or encourage her, I also didnt speak out against this either. I had this "whatever--doesnt affect me" kind of attitude. I can tell you that was one of the biggest regrets of my life and karma paid me back for that mistake big time. A few years into her marriage she got bored and decided to go after my boyfriend. A bunch of craziness ensued and our friendship ended. That was a very ugly chapter in my life and I realize I was asking for it by keeping her in my life.

She may be your best friend but how can you trust her? Would you want her around your man? She is a selfish mess and is trying to make a mess of your life. Please dont let her!

deleted_user 01/12/2010

Sometimes marriages just dont work out, but to intentionally cause someone pain and to laugh at that persons pain shows really poor character.
And these scumbags dont deserve their children!

And, your best friend will come crying on your shoulder sooner or later because chances are it wont work out with them forever.

Lstecker 01/13/2010

To thine own self be true.

Sometimes, people do the acceptable. They do. We don't have to have those friendships with those whose actions seriously conflict us internally. If you feel that you will never really trust her judgment again, trust her again, respect her, you have your answer.

Take care, L~

deleted_user 01/13/2010

As much as it sucks, I'd have to keep J and A out of my life.

crazymoon5150 01/13/2010

The strange thing is that before the last 2 or so years I was oblivious to the world about cheating .Like I had rose colored glasses on .. Now in the last 2 years since my own nightmare with my H, its like a whole new horrible world has opened up, I can't count on one hand ppl friends or family that have not been cheated on or betrayed, with the computer age and the age of technology with cell phones, ect, it made cheating more accessible, With Websites that establish alibi's or "Isn't it about time you had an affair" I actually saw this commercial,Or all the BS out there putting thoughts in PPls Head's "What if you find your soul mate but you already married to someone else ' its like excuses for ppl... "Hey thats how I feel' When did marriage become so casual, when did relationships become so casual, no one works or tries, it is almost as if some ppl not all ppl have "back up plans' or a plan B' like my H , he found it easier to find affection elsewhere then to "Deal " with me, I totally agree, cheating is not something that just happens its a choice, my H knew what he as doing, he spent up to a year hiding it , and lying right to my face, but when he got caught , he did a 180... I mean he went from being a jerk to me to freaking out ,crying and carrying on stalking me when we lived apart .I will never understand it ,after 2 years I still am baffled, as for my friends they are not bad ppl, I still can't believe this his happening, they had not been in contact in years. as far as anyone knew they were both happy .... they are not even acting like the people I know ,its just bizarre. sometimes I wake up and feel like I am in the twilight zone.

deleted_user 01/13/2010

I hear you on that. Even though I had been cheated on prior to my ex that caused me to lose my friggen mind... it was nothing like this. We were two full grown adults who I thought were "in love" with each other. Cheating doesn't hit those in love, so I thought. I, uh, actually sort of still believe that. You can't LOVE someone and go fuck someone else in my world. That defies logic. ANYWAYS...

once my ex cheated on me, I seen cheating everywhere: music, comedies, TV, every freaking stupid DVD that I rented depicted it somewhere ( this led to many sleepless nights). I found myself scanning everything first just to make sure infidelity wasn't part of it. I seen it on commercials, ads on the internet, you name it.

My ex had me convinced at one point that " Why leave me. Cheating happens to everyone. So if you find someone new, he is going to cheat on you and you are going to have to go through all this pain again. wouldn't you rather just reep the good benefits of me?" Yes, he actually said this to me and yes, I began to believe him.

It's ok. We all make it through on our own accord.

crazymoon5150 01/13/2010

I thought that as well, ppl who love each other don't cheat, I t hought we were happy, we got along great, we both decided we were going to raise our kids better then we were raised, made all these plans, after 16 years , I thought we were rock solid, to say I was blind sided is putting it mildly, I just didn't get it, the OW is on FB, I didnt go looking for her I was looking for a friend who shares the same same name and similar last name and she was the first one who popped up, I had never seen her up close , OMG, I was totally disgusted, not saying if she was drop dead gorgeous or 20 would of been better, but she is 5 years older then me at least. ... she looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet, other than the fact that she is thinner , disgusting..... skanky looking ..... WHY???? I asked my H, ,,, b/c she took an interest in him, but we know how it goes ,we never get the full disclosure.... but when it was all out in the open ,my oh my my how fast did she turn on him,,,,,, made him out to be some crazy stalker. ... then her H and Grown son I think he's like in his 20s started harassing me.saying I was instigating it, HELLO, you caught your wife with my H ,she admitted to what she had done and your all blaming me, yeah ,thats what I have been dealing with ,a bunch of whacked out degenerates.....I thanked my H for bringing crazytown into our lives. ... we have since moved on and have found balance, but does it ever go away? the mistrust? the resentment, feeling every woman is a threat? it will be 3 years this Dec... since it all broke, and the last year has been great, communication.. he's trying, but how do you stop checking the cell bills, wanting to check up on him, its fading but ,I have my moments.

deleted_user 01/13/2010

So how will you handle your original question? What do you think you'll do regarding your friends? Just curious.

-TheRule

crazymoon5150 01/13/2010

I really don't know what I am going to do ,its only been 4 weeks and the last 2 weeks I havent spoken to either of them, since I am not on board with whats going on , I see where I stand now ,Ive seen sides of them that I dont ever care to see again ,Just waiting for the fall out .when reality kicks on... they both have alot of baggage, ....

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