Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
About the only reason for me to remain anonymous is so relatives who I've not told don't find out before I'm ready. I don't want them doing a search on my name or pen name and finding out the whole truth through this site. And I know most are on here anonymous to remain "hidden" from the CS, so they won't know what you're planning should it all head south, though obviously that's not my case since my W is on here with me.
But I was thinking today, at some point I'll need to "come out of the closet" and tell my relatives if I'm ever going to attempt to write a book on this experience or provide some more direct help to people going through this.
But I wanted for things to settle and the end result to be "finalized" as much as possible before I told them so that they don't get involved in "leave her" or "don't leave her" debates and potentially looking down their nose at my W at family gatherings.It's just hard to know what their reactions are going to be, whether understanding and supportive, or disdain that my W would ever do such a thing to me. I know my brother's W said to my W at one point, and she didn't know she had cheated, that when someone cheats, the marriage is over. It was that black and white to her.
I guess my main point is at some point if I want to do more, assuming we remain married and work through this well, like write a book that isn't so much analytical as some of the books we've read, but are more of my journey through this which might help others deal with this, and get some info along the way as well. But to do that, I'll have to first come clean with my family and some of my W's family who don't know (two of them do, or three if you count her nephew's boyfriend). Because I don't want them to discover it when my "tell all" book comes out. lol.
Now, seriously, I think I'll be waiting at least five years down the road before I start dishing out a published book on the matter. So we're not talking about something I'm thinking of doing next year or anything. But sometime between now and when I decide it is time to sit down and write that book, after I'm very certain that neither of us are going to ruin it by cheating on each other again, I'm going to need to tell them.
So, in my long, rambling way, my question to you all is at what point would you tell your relatives who have no idea what is going on?
I understand, if you're marriage is breaking up, everyone knows practically. Hard to hide the fact he/she is no longer with you for very long unless you construct an elaborate deception, and what is the point with that? By then, you'd welcome the disdain of your relatives for what he/she did to you.
But if you are rebuilding, and it has gone well, and especially for those who have kept it secret from family, and then did finally come around to telling after a period of time, if any, what were the deciding factors it was time? What were their reactions? Did you have any regrets in doing so?
Thanks for your responses.
But I was thinking today, at some point I'll need to "come out of the closet" and tell my relatives if I'm ever going to attempt to write a book on this experience or provide some more direct help to people going through this.
But I wanted for things to settle and the end result to be "finalized" as much as possible before I told them so that they don't get involved in "leave her" or "don't leave her" debates and potentially looking down their nose at my W at family gatherings.It's just hard to know what their reactions are going to be, whether understanding and supportive, or disdain that my W would ever do such a thing to me. I know my brother's W said to my W at one point, and she didn't know she had cheated, that when someone cheats, the marriage is over. It was that black and white to her.
I guess my main point is at some point if I want to do more, assuming we remain married and work through this well, like write a book that isn't so much analytical as some of the books we've read, but are more of my journey through this which might help others deal with this, and get some info along the way as well. But to do that, I'll have to first come clean with my family and some of my W's family who don't know (two of them do, or three if you count her nephew's boyfriend). Because I don't want them to discover it when my "tell all" book comes out. lol.
Now, seriously, I think I'll be waiting at least five years down the road before I start dishing out a published book on the matter. So we're not talking about something I'm thinking of doing next year or anything. But sometime between now and when I decide it is time to sit down and write that book, after I'm very certain that neither of us are going to ruin it by cheating on each other again, I'm going to need to tell them.
So, in my long, rambling way, my question to you all is at what point would you tell your relatives who have no idea what is going on?
I understand, if you're marriage is breaking up, everyone knows practically. Hard to hide the fact he/she is no longer with you for very long unless you construct an elaborate deception, and what is the point with that? By then, you'd welcome the disdain of your relatives for what he/she did to you.
But if you are rebuilding, and it has gone well, and especially for those who have kept it secret from family, and then did finally come around to telling after a period of time, if any, what were the deciding factors it was time? What were their reactions? Did you have any regrets in doing so?
Thanks for your responses.
I'm not a failure - I did everything right. The cheater is the one who failed - failed the marriage, failed honoring vows, failed me and failed himself.
It's hard for me because I would love the support of loved ones but my parents are in their 70s and will have a tougher time moving forward from this. They love me and their instinct is to protect me. I don't want this coming up in every family conversation and I don't want them worrying about me in their retirement years.
I told my sister and I wish I could take it back. She is supportive of me but she often wants to kill my H and the OW (I'm OK with the latter...LOL). She worries all the time about how we're doing. It's no longer comforting to talk with her.
If it were me I'd wait until i knew for an absolute fact that the book was going to be published.
It seems like the general consensus is to wait until the book is nearly ready to come out, if it ever does. And who knows, I may get four or five years down the road and feel like I don't have that much to add to the "conversation" by telling my story. As pointed out, it does put our private life into the public eye for better or worse.
As a writer, you're used to criticism. I expect, if my books ever become popular, to get some backlash from certain groups about certain things in my stories. I wouldn't expect anything less from a non-fiction book.
@krking,
My wife agrees. She deserves to be judged. That said, I don't see the point in making family gatherings a time of uncomfortableness for all involved. As one said, once a few years have passed and we're doing good, if there is any judgmentalism, it will be somewhat pointless if we are doing well as a couple, still together, and we can show that our marriage has come out of it stronger (which I can already say). If we were breaking up over it, then I wouldn't care as everyone would find out anyway. But I don't want anything to hold back on our rebuilding or make things any more difficult than they are, and my family doesn't really need to know.
But part of me also thinks, if it were any other type of life-crisis, I would tell everyone. If I were in an accident and in the hospital, we'd call. If one of us came down with cancer, we'd call. If I was going to prison for some crime, we'd have to call. So it does feel a little odd that such a major life-changing event as this is something we hide from them.
But this is a different animal. The more people you bring into the mix, the harder it can be to work through this, and the bigger chance that others will do more to mess up your attempts to rebuild than to help. So, sure, she deserves being judged. But what would it accomplish? What part does my family have in helping to rebuild? The more cooks in the kitchen, the more problems that could arise, is the basic thing. And as the BS, I really don't want to feel I need to avoid family gatherings because my W feels too uncomfortable at them, if for whatever reason they treat her with disdain and avoidance. I don't think that would happen totally, but it could. Why chance it?
Writing this book is really up your alley. You have many good things to say and offer. BUT those good things do not outwiegh your marriage and your wife.
Soooooo...write your book under a pseudonym and keep your marriage first, as you have.
Rock on, L~
I've thought about using a different pen name for it, but I'm a little concerned on a topic like this of doing that. One, I feel like that would diminish the personal nature of the book. Two, I wouldn't feel right hawking transparency while I'm keeping secret from everyone I know, friends and family, that I'm the author. Just doesn't seem right. It would also make some difficulties promoting it without family and friends finding out.
But as far as the book goes, there are two things to consider. One, this will be at least five years down the road. I think by then I'll know whether we have "made it" and should be secure in our relationship. That speaks not only to the books integrity (nothing worse than to write a book telling how you did it, only to end in divorce, which even after five years is a slight possibility if unresolved issues are left to come back and bite us, but the earlier you write the book, the more likely that is to happen), but also to our comfort level with the idea. Before we open our lives up for public scrutiny, we'd want to feel secure ourselves.
And two, if she is at all uncomfortable about the idea or such, the book won't get published. She'd have to be on board. Shoot, I might even see if I can get her to write a chapter or two of it as events from her perspective. But she would have to be on board with it, because no matter how I put it, she's going to look like the "bad guy" in the story, even though she redeems herself in the end (so far, if all keeps going as is until then). The fact is, she did what she did, and it isn't pretty.
And I must say, being on this forum has given me a wide view of the ways infidelity can take, how the various reactions of CSs and sometimes BS can either help or hinder the process. If I'm here five years later, no doubt I will have collected quite a broad experience upon which to back light my own story.
Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be opposed to using a pen name. Close friends and family would know it was me, only the general public wouldn't have a clue. But it doesn't seem right to sneak around as it concerns my family, promoting a book they have no idea I've written. lol. I could just see one of them giving it to me for a Christmas or birthday present one year. lol.
Maybe I'll feel different in five years, but I think it wouldn't be a big deal to tell them then. It's over and done with, the decisions have been made, we'll either have made it or we won't. And I think they'll understand why we didn't want to share the information. They may even appreciate it that they didn't know at the time, or they would have felt uncomfortable as well.
Thanks for the thoughts. Always appreciated.
I can only offer from my experience that circumstances dictated that a lot of people in our circle found out about my ex's infidelity all at once...he disappeared for two weeks with his mistress overseas did not answer text phone or e-mail and I thought he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. (Yes, I was the sadly oblivious "last to know" that my marriage was on the skids)
So long story short the Police and Port Authorities became involved. To the very end he told me we could never work out because I made it impossible for him to save face, because I "told too many people" and he could never look at them without feeling hated again. I admire you for being strong enough not to care what people think and to work on things.
I know my story is pretty dramatic, and I obviously don't know the first thing about your situation...
Even though divorce turned out to be the right thing for me for many many reasons...I wish the "telling people" thing weren't held over my head.
So if you can avoid it...keep it between the two of you until things are sorted.