While I've not had issues other than infidelity, I do think that you have to expect people will have their opinions if you include them in your decision-making process. This is a time when you learn who your real friends are.

You might have heard the expression don't complain, don't explain. I think this applies.

If you feel your ex deserves another chance, then that is your decision. Enough with the texting, sit down and talk. You can tactfully let her know you need her support, not her judgment. You will have to accept her decision as to whether or not your friendship continues.

I cannot tell you how delighted I would be if my H's friends "kicked his butt"! I only want to associate with people of high moral character.

A lot of us BS do go back to the cheaters with all their associated problems. It's deja vu all over again. A good friend would stand by her principles. Give this some thought. Do you really want blind loyalty?

I don't want blind loyalty, I guess I feel judged when others do many things I could judge them about but don't because they're my friends and I think everyone has to make their own choices. These friends don't file their taxes and smoke weed, I think both those things are wrong but they aren't my choice to make for them and I would never stand in judgment of them. They think infidelity is wrong but aren't giving me the same respect. You are right though , I've over shared and won't do it anymore. I'm not even sure I want him back, I'm sitting back and seeing what his actions tell me but I want to make that decision on my own. No one lives my life but me and I think it's easy for other people to tell you what to do or how to feel but if they've never loved it how do they know what THEY would do. it just took me off guard and I was so hurt by her words, you're right though I'm going to talk to her face to face and I guess see what happens.

If she truly cares about you she will respect your decision to try again with your ex. She may feel protective of you, but it's disrespectful of her to suggest that she knows better than you about your life. I would feel judged too, but that's unfortunately the problem when you open up to your friends about imperfections in your life. It's your choice how you want to live, and if you want to take him back, or try dating him again, it's ultimately up to you.

I actually did have pretty much this exact same situation (except I file my taxes and don't do drugs). My best friend, who I love like a sister and would do anything for, was deeply in love with a man with a history of diagnosed depression and put her through the ringer by cheating on her. He hurt her very, very bad. I spent many hours listening to her pain. After almost a year, she wanted to take him back. I was very opinionated on how stupid that would be, he is a jerk, etc. etc......Very opinionated. One day at lunch, just she and I, she looked me in the eyes, very sincerely, and said, "I love you and I know you don't agree with this, but I have to do this-For me. And as my best friend, all I need from you is not to yell and chastise me, but to be there when and if I need you. You don't need to like him, just be my friend. I know I may be wrong about this, but I need to try, for me". And that was it, I shut up, I supported her, and I was there for her and I love her.

Thanks guys. All the insight helps. I guess it was just a surprise to me how judgmental she was. I'm going to wait to talk to her in person. I need to only talk to my therapist about him, it's my own fault for telling too much, I need to be more guarded about it. I may be making a big mistake but it's mine to make. I guess I was just surprised at the whole people living in glass houses throwing stones thing. I guess it's always easier to judge others than judge ourselves. Disappointing.

I have wondered if my H goes through this. I think he only ever told his brothers and one friend that I had an affair, but probably 100+ people in our community also know about it. I know people have asked him about me and probably have a negative opinion of me.

In the end, though, no one knows the inside of someone else's marriage. You have the history and a sense of what makes forgiveness and effort worth it in the grand scheme of your life together. A true friend should back your choice, either way.

A couple of our friends have cut back away from us. It's their choice. That's because both of them had an exiting spouse in a former relationship. Or so it seems to them now. Their exes didn't end up with the affair partner but by themselves for a bit. His spouses ended up with Cancer and died shortly after Dday. Both of our friends had met each other and decided to marry before their wayward spouse would agree to a divorce. Not everyone can get over being betrayed. Hindsight being what it is though maybe they wish they could've, would've, should've stayed. I know for a fact her exhusband expressed his remorse to her a couple of years ago. They had been married 29 years. It was her pushing him for the divorce not the other way around.
My BFF told me she was willing to meet my husband at the door with her Japanese swords if I needed her to. I love my BFF and she's very happy that we've been able to work things out for the better. She never did advise me to dump him like our other friends did. Our other friends whenever I do run into them always tell me how brave that I am for staying. I wouldn't have stayed had it not been for the actions of my husband. They don't feel that their spouse would've made the same effort. Honestly they never gave their ex a chance because they were having a revenge/exit affair. It doesn't really have anything to do with my husband and I. It's all on them. Yes you're going to lose friends over this but it's not you, it's them.

Do you. If they love you they want you to be happy. If they love you they won't judge you for trying to find happiness. What if it all works out? Then you have the best friend you truly want - your husband. Don't be too hard on them tho. They want to protect you. Good luck with your reconciliation - give it all you have with no regrets.

Friends that are loyal will be hurting for you when they see how hurt you are. They will be angry for you when they see how angry you are.. they might tell you how they feel, if you tell them you are considering going back to the person that caused the hurt and anger. They are probably telling you some of the things you are telling yourself when trying to decide if you should listen to your heart or head! The fact is YOU love this person, your friends don't! But if they LOVE YOU, they will support your choice and be there if its the wrong one! That's what friends do! There are many times it takes us BS a bit to come to terms with all of this. YOU are the one having to find your way through this! So tell your friends that you can appreciate their loyalty. But you are asking for them to understand that you have to see this through to the end, one way or another. That YOU have to be the one ready to walk away or the hurt can't fully heal! How we each get to that place of healing is different for all of us! Some of us have to try to fix things first.. then either we can, or we can't make it all work again. But the only way for us to get there is to get there ON OUR OWN. Your friend's place is beside you, not blocking your way.

Here's the thing about being friends with a couple who has dealt with cheating: there is a constant reminder that infidelity is a legitimate threat to every relationship. Every. Single. One.

Many people have a problem dealing with that reality. It's easier to bury heads in the sand if the stench of a cheater is nowhere within the social circle.

Full disclosure: I'm the CS.

Prettyanddumb12, did you reconcile with your spouse? As the CS how did you deal w friends that maybe looked at you sideways? And I agree there is a lot of truth to your statement, it does freak people out who think they have "perfect" marriages, I thought mine was infidelity proof (we had a lot of other problems but that was the one I was sure would never happen), so I think it's comical that other people say things li,e "well my spouse would NEVER do that to me." It just isn't reality.

I am a CS, and my BS seems to handle sideways glances by indicating that someone's continued ill will toward me for cheating doesn't translate as supporting him. He made the choice to stay (we both did), so people who truly care about him and want to show it should respect or at least accept it.