I don’t think it will ever be the same, but if you can heal and he makes an effort to help you heal, it will work out.
Did you get to ther bottom of why he did it? I think it is important to know the “why”.
He may be distant for a bit because he has to face his shitty behavior every time he looks at you, but generally he should be acting honored that you didn’t divorce him.

Read the "Welcome to Newly Betrayed" post to start with.

There are a multitude of factors and litmus tests to determine if a CS has reformed.

The first thing to consider is that the vast majority of those who cheat do not reform. The second thing is that the first marriage is over and if you chose to begin a second one with them it will be very different and you have to accept that the innocence of the marriage as well as your trust/respect for your husband will never return 100%.

A few things to gauge is he generally willingness and self motivation to disclose the full truth, access to his phone/social networks, and pursuit of individual counseling for change.

If he does not accept 100% of the blame for his actions or gives resistance to being accountable or lacks motivation or the need to change......he will not reform and will likely cheat again.

Obtain a prenup with an infidelity clause. While these are not iron clad from a legal standpoint, it is also a litmus test his resistance to such an arrangement.

If he has no intention of cheating again then all it is for him would be to sign a piece of paper with no meaning.

However, if he isn't sure of he will stay faithful or that he even intends to stay faithful......well he isn't going to want to sign his finances away.

The waves of emotions and sadness will lessen over time if you process the pain properly and he does everything in his power to comfort you and help you heal.

Thank you for your input. Through couples therapy and his individual therapy, we have determined that he grew up with an unmet need for attention from his parents, such that when I didn't give him the attention/adoration he needed, he sought it elsewhere. This is the reason for the affair. I understand it, but unfortunately it is very easy to contort this explanation into my not giving him enough attention i.e., it is somewhat my fault. I think with continued individual therapy, he will understand that his expectations for attention/adoration are idealistic, however he has stopped going to individual therapy (due to starting a new job).

So, I am wondering is this it? We've done our due diligence with therapy, and now I need to just move on? This is difficult for me since I don't think he's fully capable of recognizing his need for attention and consequences thereof. Also, the affair partner lives around the corner, has mutual friends, and her children go to school with mine, so I have constant reminders. I guess I'm wondering if in order to be fully healed from this, do I need to move on and away from the marriage.

Not every marriage can be put back together again.

If you feel it's better for you do move on, then that is what you should do.

I am someone that is in favor of working things out. However, there needs to be a huge change in the CS. They need to step up and take the blame.
So what if you weren’t giving him the attention he needed. What did he do about it. Did he sweep you off your feet and take you out and shower you with praise? Did he tell you he isn’t feeling loved and adored? Yeah, that’s called communication. If someone isn’t opening their mouth and saying what they need, then there is NO WAY the BS gets the blame!

One issue you need to deal with is believe that not giving him enough attention cause his cheating or that you are in some way responsible. It is his weak character and inability to manage temptation or communicate properly that is the cause.

The fact that he admits to being an attention seeker shows that he has a hole in his soul that he fills with attention.

Until he heals that hole no amount of attention will satisfy him.

If a car's gas tank is leaking and you stall out in the middle of the highway, you don't blame the gas attendant for not putting in enough fuel. The problem is with the car and that is what needs to be fix.

In the event you were distant from him it is something you can work on in MC and IC as it will be harder now to feel close to him after the affair, making the marriage even more challenging.

^ I agree! The crappy childhood is not the reason for cheating. He is using it as an excuse. Plenty of people have had crappy childhoods, were not nurtured, did not receive love and affection...and do not go on to cheat as adults. Now blaming you for not giving him enough attention is the same thing. People with emotional maturity say "I'm feeling lonely, I need some TLC right now, Can you spend some 1:1 time with me" etc. Entitled man-babies and woman-babies blame everyone else and want what they want when they want it. And they cannot communicate this...you're supposed to somehow read their minds. The reason for cheating is at the very least a character issue or deficiency. They do it because they WANT to. And the fact that he lied about it being sexual is sooooo typical. Trickle truth. So sorry you are dealing with this.

For example my parent's marriage ended in my teens due to my mother cheating on my father. My father went on and took someone else's wife.....who ended up cheating on him.

My inlaws had reservations about me due to my past and higher statistical likelihood of cheating given my family history.

Their little angel who they thought they raised up well ended up being the cheater.

I looked at my parents and saw their example as bad and therefore went the other way to make better decisions. My wife grew up coddled and never learned to make her own decisions.

Everyone is completely responsible for their own decisions regardless the environment that they grow up in.

First, the so called "crappy" childhood may not be a reason for him to cheat, but it was definitely a contributing factor. Not everyone who grows up in a dysfunctional family is a cheater, but all of us who did have issues that we deal with for the rest of our lives. We try not to repeat our parents mistakes but we end up doing it one way or another.. That is really not the reason why your husband cheated. He needed attention. He may be remorseful but there are no guarantees he will not need the same type of attention again. You need to resolve your own feelings for yourself. There is no right or wrong choice and others can't tell you what to do. You need to find out what you can and can't live with. Can you move forward and trust again? The marriage will never be the same. It can survive and be stronger. Only if you can move past this and decide that you both can be fully committed to make it stronger. It is a long and painful process. It can be done. Some people (like me) know that they can't forgive and forget and that will be torture for both parties involved so we skip the recovery part. Good luck!

Don't give him a pass for stopping therapy due to a job. Most folks have jobs and find a way to work in counseling, although I know that might be tricky with some jobs. His discontinuation of therapy makes me wonder how committed he is to your and his recovery, esp. since you are feeling somewhat at a loss and not healed yet. Best wishes! I sure understand your feelings. I am wondering the same thing now, IF I will get over my lingering distrust and hypervigilence.