Sorry you are in this situation, it is incredibly hard for sure. There is nothing I ever faced that beat me down as much. My wife had a year long affair that was very emotional and it was with a solider. I fear now her deploying greatly and do not know how I could ever trust her when she is away for so long. I will deal with that when I have to. Trust is very hard thing to get back and will take a lot of time and work on both the CS and the BS part. I still a year latter have major trust issues witch I pray to God about all the time. I was very trusting before the A. Now it is really hard for me but from reading advice from people like Cole and his they help me know that it is possible. You have to look at Hope and know that it does get better with time.
A little at a time. He has come to you know some spouse never do. So that at least shows that he has a conscious. So now it is time for him to answer all of your questions probably over and over.
As far as the Why? I do not think you will ever get a good enough answer for that. I looked and looked and probably still seek the answer to why. We had a good marriage and were both happy at the time of her affair. Sometimes I think that the CS does not even know why or how they could of done that. (and are regretful but can not answer that question). Now do not think I am defending a CS. but I do think there are things that they do not understand as there are things we do not understand. It is just a terrible experiance for everyone involved there is no easy path in this kind of betrayal and it is never easy. Good luck, I hope that helped a little.

Thanks, Jason21 for the reply. I do think his (finally) coming clean about the affair shows he has some redeemable qualities but it's still tough trying to wrap my head around HOW and WHY. How do you put on your wedding ring EVERY day and NOT think about your wife? How did you undress her and/or yourself and NOT think about your wife and kids WAITING back home?! I just don't get it. Then how did you call/text to arrange to meet her AGAIN AFTER you did it the first time and NOT think about your wife?!?!

It's the details that are killing my spirit - those small, deliberate sequence of WILLFUL choices to engage in this betrayal that cut me to my core. THAT'S the CRAP I've been trying to deal with. The fact that the PA happened is like water under the bridge - it's all the other things that are eating me up! :-(

But, thanks for your support. You're right - I've read a few forums and we are in MC and our counselor tells us it will JUST TAKE TIME. UGH!

My husband came forward about his first affair 12 years after it happened to throw me off the trail of the current one he was in at the time. It's been two years and I still wonder if he would have told me about the one that many years ago had he not been spiraling to keep ahead of his lies. In bad times I will snap and say that our entire marriage has pretty much been a lie but deep down I know it isn't true. Yes he screwed up majorly but since coming forward with EVERYTHING he has been here 100% and I can see the damage all the lies and secrets did to him throughout those years. I'm glad your husband finally opened up to you and now you need to take time for you and don't make any huge decisions for at least a few months. Either the cheater will do 100% transparency on everything, give up fb, hand over all passwords, etc and get into therapy or they won't and they'll try to brush it off as something that was insignificant and make you out to be the drama queen or something. Either way his next steps to rectify this will tell you if there is any hope or not for moving past this together. And don't forget to remind him that although this is old news to him it's brand new to you and this process takes A LOT of time so he needs to be patient with you and willing to answer any and all questions you may have. A really good book I read during the worst of it was "Not Just Friends" it really helped me a ton, plus this site will help as well. Welcome and so sorry you're here but glad you are.

Thanks, HopeOpera. I will check that book out. He has "appeared" to be transparent - giving up his email passwords, etc. His version is that when he deployed, he was lonely and dealing with lust (had a previous bout with pornography BEFORE the affair which the extent of it has since come out, too). He said he "rationalized" the affair thinking that I wouldn't find out about it. But that still doesn't alleviate the pain caused by the DAGGER in my heart when I think that he totally disregarded me and our children by engaging in THE most selfish thing ever. And for what?! HopeOpera, did your hubby give any reason WHY he didn't tell you for all those years?! I mean, how do you essentially LIVE a lie knowing you're keeping something from the person you CLAIM is THE most important person to you?! I just don't understand it and perhaps that's part of why I'm still circling around the issue?! It feels like two steps forward but then 8 steps back. Today is an 8-steps back day. :-(

I am so sorry you are in this situation that none of us bargained for to begin with.

I am going on 3 months out from DDay and it does get better (as long as your CS is transparent, going to IC and/or MC and truly working) with time. I can actually go a few hours without A thoughts creeping in. There are still times, like this morning, that I still cry my eyes out even though he is working and we are in MC.

Read, read, and read some more. Come here and talk about it, write in a journal, do whatever takes the pain away for a short time and lets you see the light at the end of the tunnel and not think it is a freight train. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you feel you can stand up without holding on to something. You can't make any decisions until you feel stronger and less out of control.

I bought my CS a journal and I write down my questions for him to answer with a date next to them that I want an answer by and he answers them. This way I don't keep repeating the same questions and I have his answers on paper. It has been helpful.

Hang in there. Time is certainly our friend even though it is hard to realize it in the first couple of months.

Welcome to the crappiest club around. Its hard to know in the early months after dday weather or not you really want to rebuild the marriage or if your cs has it in him to do the heavy work.

Rebuilding is not the easiest choice but can be rewarding if it goes well. There are many books on the subject and ones your husband should read. Especially if he's minimizing his actions. I believe the book fire him is "how to help your spouse heal from your infidelity the compact manual" i could be off a bit on the name.

Good luck and remember , whatever you decide is best for you is what you need to do.

daily, It is hard to understand how they could do that to us. I get it I still think about the A a lot. Basically they do not think about us in most aspects I think. My wife did not think about me or my son when she was with him. She took off her ring, and became what she describes as a different person. HOW I will never be able to understand without having an affair of my own. (I will not do even though I thought about it more times than I can count.)
I do not think you will ever understand how. It is just out of at least my realm of comprehension.
Why again I still ask myself why all the time but I know there will be no good answer. (because I was In love with him will always be the answer I get.) not a good answer thats for sure.
Please check out a site called Dear Peggy. It was very helpful for me.

I always felt, for me, that the lying/hiding/sneaking/calculated "dance" of having the affair bothered me more than the fact my ex cheated. He didn't do anything magical that can't be found in everyone else's cheating story, but the denial, lying, and hiding took so much time and effort...THAT was the part that bothered me.

I can see why you're upset.

Justme, you hit the nail on the head and I thank you for putting so succinctly into words EXACTLY what I'm feeling. It is so mind boggling hurtful to think of all the ways in which he's lied, concealed, omitted, etc. I feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger.

This is painful. No two ways about it. The affair and the deception are the two biggest marriage killers. Your story highlights what I've said on the CA forum: keeping the A a secret after it is over compounds the pain of the A. They bank on the BS never finding out. Some convince themselves that if they find out after enough years have passed, it will be old news and easier to get over. They don't tend to get the concept that continuing the deception keeps the A alive and wounds the BS deeper whether they know about it or not.

There is no good answer to the question of why. Despite that, it is worth finding out. But the base answer for most CS (cheating spouses) is they additively wanted something bad enough (lust) that their brain works overtime to get them what they want, even against all reason. Its like asking why a gambling addict is willing to gamble away the kids college fund, or the equity in a house. Totally stupid and irrational. But the brain has ways of working around that when we really want something.

In my wife's case, she ended up compartmentalizing. Her life with me and her secret life were two separate realities for her. She did fight it for a time, believed she'd never cheat on me. But she kept herself playing with fire long enough that she got burned. She eventually gave in and concluded that she could love two men at once. Until I found out, that is. Then that fantasy life ended.

I have some articles you can read at the following link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/

Start with the one's labeled "Healing Steps for the BS"

I also have a blog with a lot of articles on it. Message me if you want to know how to find it.

Give yourself time to sort through it all. The first weeks are an emotional roller coaster of the worst kind.

Oh, my heart goes out to you. The way you're feeling right now is completely understandable, and it will definitely take some time (and hard work on your husband's part) to rebuild trust. And I think a key to accomplishing this is making sure you both look into some marital counseling. I really think that can make a huge difference in working through something like this and finding some healing. So, do you think your husband would be willing to try this? If not, you still may want to consider seeing someone on your own. Also, since I know you're looking for some immediate encouragement, you might want to read through a couple articles I found online at http://bit.ly/1x4dLjF and http://bit.ly/190jbl0 that talk about this issue. So, just FYI-I hope they help!

gardensparrow
#girlluvs2garden#

GARDENSPA, yes, we are currently in counseling so that's been good. We've been using this rock bottom time to take an honest inventory of our marriage and although painful as heck, I think if we can hang in there and stick it out, we'll be all the better for it!

I'm trying to come to a place of acceptance that what has been done is done and at some point, I'll need to put more effort and focus on the future versus trying to "understand" the past.

Thanks for all of the encouragement - today I'm much better and choosing to focus on me instead - what I like, what I want and how I want to be as his wife going forward. I've noticed there is a slight window of time in which I can catch myself before the thoughts become obsessive - which makes for a MUCH better day, I tell you.

If nothing else, I'm learning now more than ever before that you don't really know HOW much you love someone until they do the unlovable and you're STILL there!

DailySurrender to answer your question as to whether my CS gave me a reason to hold onto that secret and lie for 12 years? He's tried to explain it but I guess in the end his explanation, no matter what it is, will never do to appease me because I will never truly understand it because I wouldn't do it to him.
I get very upset with him because he rarely wants to address the first infidelity because for him it was eon's ago, but for me, I was told about the two within weeks of each other so they are equally upsetting to me and sometimes the first one even more so because it was sooooo long before he confessed, and only confessed to throw me off the trail of the other or who knows if I would've ever found out? But I'll surely go insane if I play the woulda-shoulda-coulda game in my head so I take it one day at a time, sometimes hour to hour but I will tell you that the more I talk over every detail and question/upset I have with him, to him, I feel better once we've talked about. I can stew for days over something and be completely silent and then once I finally let my protective barrier down and tell him exactly whats upsetting me or what triggered a flashback, I can then finally move on....well at least until the next one. Hang in there you're doing great.

Dailysurrender~
Thanks so much for the update. I'm glad to hear you're already doing some counseling with your husband. I really hope that will make a difference for you guys. And it seems like you're feeling more optimistic about things? That's wonderful! And I'll continue to keep you in my prayers!

gardensparrow
#girlluvs2garden#