Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been here almost a year....my DDay was 8/14/14.
I find a recurring theme. We, as BS, read what others say, what their situation is, how they are handling things and we interject that our situation is different in this way and that way. We all seem to share some sort of hope. We find resources to support our hope. We buy into an industry that cashes in on our hope. We try MC, books, theories, anything to keep the hope going.
The honest truth is that we are all, as BS, married to people who lack character, act unethically and feel entitled. They were always like that, even the day we said I do. No one was coerced into an affair. It took a hundred choices over many days, weeks, months or years. Each and every choice could have been made differently at any point from the first hello.
We, as BS, can't manage a reconciliation. We have no pixie dust to change anyone else's behavior. Only they can change who they are, and most will never take on that task unless it is presented as an ultimatum for keeping the "marriage" together. Oh, they will buy into the industry stuff, because if we have hope they don't have to change. They learn the language and the moves very well. We want to believe, we have hope, after all.
I have read how a marriage wasn't perfect, how the communication could be better, how needs weren't met etc., but did WE handle that by having an affair? Did we lie, sneak around, tell people outside of our marriage we loved them? No, because we have character. No marriage is 100% perfect....none. But 100% of our spouses cheated instead of respecting us and discussing any perceived problem. Only 50% of those in marriages here cheated....our spouses.
Unless and until we step away from their manipulative drama and dump the responsibility for their change of character on them, we will forever be BS's. Unless we see measurable change in their world view, we will be BS again and again and again. We may hear their learned lessons repeated fluently and convincingly to keep our hope alive. We may even be tempted to "help" in some way, but no one can "fix" anyone else or their thinking.
Many stay without those changes being made by the CS. Everyone does what works best in their life. There is no right or wrong, but please understand and do it with your eyes open and without dysfunction ruling your life. Your CS is exactly like every other CS, unethical and entitled. Don't be surprised if you find out 4 years or 10 years down the road that what you thought happened, was completely different. And if they never made an individual decision (without promise or hope of you being there in the future) to change their life and world view in measurable ways, expect to be here talking about the next affair far into the future.
I am not trying to say every BS needs to leave immediately and never look back, but please know what you are dealing with is a very long term change. Do it with your eyes open and the knowledge that you will be fine no matter what course you decide is best in your life at this moment or any moment in the future. Be true to yourself and value yourself, first and foremost.
I find a recurring theme. We, as BS, read what others say, what their situation is, how they are handling things and we interject that our situation is different in this way and that way. We all seem to share some sort of hope. We find resources to support our hope. We buy into an industry that cashes in on our hope. We try MC, books, theories, anything to keep the hope going.
The honest truth is that we are all, as BS, married to people who lack character, act unethically and feel entitled. They were always like that, even the day we said I do. No one was coerced into an affair. It took a hundred choices over many days, weeks, months or years. Each and every choice could have been made differently at any point from the first hello.
We, as BS, can't manage a reconciliation. We have no pixie dust to change anyone else's behavior. Only they can change who they are, and most will never take on that task unless it is presented as an ultimatum for keeping the "marriage" together. Oh, they will buy into the industry stuff, because if we have hope they don't have to change. They learn the language and the moves very well. We want to believe, we have hope, after all.
I have read how a marriage wasn't perfect, how the communication could be better, how needs weren't met etc., but did WE handle that by having an affair? Did we lie, sneak around, tell people outside of our marriage we loved them? No, because we have character. No marriage is 100% perfect....none. But 100% of our spouses cheated instead of respecting us and discussing any perceived problem. Only 50% of those in marriages here cheated....our spouses.
Unless and until we step away from their manipulative drama and dump the responsibility for their change of character on them, we will forever be BS's. Unless we see measurable change in their world view, we will be BS again and again and again. We may hear their learned lessons repeated fluently and convincingly to keep our hope alive. We may even be tempted to "help" in some way, but no one can "fix" anyone else or their thinking.
Many stay without those changes being made by the CS. Everyone does what works best in their life. There is no right or wrong, but please understand and do it with your eyes open and without dysfunction ruling your life. Your CS is exactly like every other CS, unethical and entitled. Don't be surprised if you find out 4 years or 10 years down the road that what you thought happened, was completely different. And if they never made an individual decision (without promise or hope of you being there in the future) to change their life and world view in measurable ways, expect to be here talking about the next affair far into the future.
I am not trying to say every BS needs to leave immediately and never look back, but please know what you are dealing with is a very long term change. Do it with your eyes open and the knowledge that you will be fine no matter what course you decide is best in your life at this moment or any moment in the future. Be true to yourself and value yourself, first and foremost.
Very poignant, truthful and direct.
I couldn't agree more.
This part resonated the most for me, as I think this often:
"The honest truth is that we are all, as BS, married to people who lack character, act unethically and feel entitled. They were always like that, even the day we said I do. No one was coerced into an affair. It took a hundred choices over many days, weeks, months or years. Each and every choice could have been made differently at any point from the first hello."
Yes. And my CS ultimately chose to continue behaving like an entitled child, so I let go. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, wanted a loyal wife at home and playthings on the side. I am better off on my own. He's now come full circle, and is trying to stop our divorce, but I am not going down that road again. He's entitled and selfish, and only wants what serves him best at any given moment. I deserve more. We all do.
Thanks for sharing your wise words with us :D
((HUGS))
Was reading about Florida governor Rick Scott earlier and his previous and current corruption...he seems unworried and beyond the law?
Clinton- infidelity.
JFK- infidelity
FDR- infidelity
Even nicest British pm John Major- infidelity.
Stephen Hemsley Ceo of United Healthcare paid himself $66 million dollars in 2014- corporate corruption.
And people don't take to the streets or make any comment.
Most abandonned wives already know- it's us who are at fault for not having the skills of the woman who usurped us.
Great writing. Very encouraging.
The cheater has to want to change. The ugly truth is that the majority have entitlement issues. If their default setting is they do whatever they want because they are entitled to it, it beggars belief that they'll do the hard work required to rebuild a marriage after they've destroyed it. Most are not capable.
That's why I think there are far fewer successful rebuilds than the RIC would have us believe. Most of the time the BS has a top notch job in the marriage police force.
lemaym1.wordpress.com
I just finished reading the book "women who love too much"
and it had so much of the same things for recovery...
Stop focusing on trying to fix your partner, or help them, their recovery is not your responsibility, it is there's alone
Don't try to control anyone but yourself, you are only responsible for yourself
You should be the source of your own happiness and self worth
Self acceptance, self acceptance, self acceptance
Not trying to control a conversation to force what you want to talk about, that's manipulation- not giving your advice, this also can be used as manipulation-- just listen, no advice, no control.. in time if or when they are ready to talk about it they will come to you
This is all just off the top of my head, but it was very deep about why we are drawn to the men we are drawn too, mainly talks about alcoholics, although I didn't grow up around that- you know it always goes back to childhood in the end? right.
Awesome stuff! Love your post and your words!
I'm working on myself to be a stronger and confident woman. I will someday make a decision that I can live with.
I wish I had the answers as to why he cheats to help me understand, but I doubt I'll ever know the answer to that question.
It'll be strike two for me after this one. I thought I knew him. How do you find one with integrity, honest and good character?
I will never give up hope on myself.
Hugs!