Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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brokenandfraid 04/27/2015

I have no idea where to start. There has been so much that has happened in the past 5 years (probably much longer) and most of it under my nose. So, I didn't realize my husband had a fetish for group sex and transgenders. I am fully aware now. But this was due to hours of investigations by joining dating/sex websites to find my husbands picture plastered and a full description of what he's looking for - BLOW ME THE HELL AWAY!

Finally, in January I decided to call it quits. After getting two STD along with lies, cheating and manipulation - I got a divorce attorney and I was on my way out reluctantly.. WHY? Good question! I love him. But today I was digging again and found more information and realized that the man I married is not the same. I don't know who he is. It has lead me to believe that he married me and raised our daughters to cover his deepest and darkest secrets, so everyone would think he has this great life.. but all along he was living a lie and he was lying to me. I don't know if I am devastated anymore. I feel like a complete idiot to not see this from the beginning. Boy, Love is blind!!

I am looking for answers, I guess. Or even maybe advise! I really don't know. Actually, I would like an out of body experience where I can just go away and let someone else finish this for me.

I don't know how to explain this to my girls. I don't know how to tell anyone this screwed up story and not be embarrassed by it. This guy has really messed with my heart and head! Up until today, I was severely upset and wanted to work things out with him but I'm finding I am not able to forgive or forget what he has done to me and our family.

I haven't told anyone about this and probably wont as it's too embarrassing. But I would like for it all to end and move on so I can be happy. Find a real mate who will care about me as I do about them. I don't think my husband is a bad person, I just feel he has many demons he can not control and I don't think I can really help him. He refuses to get help or even talk about the situation. He just want to move on and be happy- go-lucky but situation hasn't been resolved and boundaries haven't been set.

broken234 04/27/2015

I am newly going through a CS as well. I know how it feels to be duped or feel stupid like he is living another life. I can't say that our situations are similar, but the betrayal hurts the same. My husband actually told me that he has felt almost the entire time we were married that he wanted to be single. Live the single life. be with whoever he wants when ever he wants. Thanks for waiting 18 years and two kids later to tell me. But I haven't set the boundaries yet either. I can never trust him again with my heart, and I know it will be hard to set the boundaries, but I think that will be the true beginning to my healing.

kbbcoop77 04/27/2015

It's amazing how people change, how they are no longer the person they used to be. My ex wife told me she was unsure about our relationship for the whole 24 years lol. I asked her then why did u have a kid with me 7 years into it? I mean cmon! It's just better to not let them go down memory lane telling you all your faults. When it's over it's really over. Listening to their nonsense afterwards will drive you batshit crazy.

jaymee4647 04/28/2015

I really think it's easier to tell us what the think will hurt less. " I really was unsure if our relationship" can explain why someone was cheating for 24 years...

It's hard to accept "I have loved you for 24 years and I am a POS for liking all the attention from the OW/OM without having to give anything in return. It is something I am lacking in myself and has nothing to do with you. I am insecure and need someone to constantly tell me hot special and awesome I am." Because then I come home and don't demand all this attention from you, because I know how tired you are with work/ raising our kids ect...

Which we all know is BULLS$&t

But sometimes that is all it is... They love us... They are just EFFED UP

tusie2 04/28/2015

Wow, so sorry. Like Broken234, my CS doesn't have any boundaries and still trying to get him to open up to me to see if we can save this marriage.
You have been through a lot. You need to focus on you and your daughters well being. Maybe look into seeing a therapist to help you get past this and move on. I like to read the articles and try reaching out to others for support here. We're all suffering, but it helps to know that you're not alone. Hugs!

jaymee4647 04/28/2015

If any of your CS are wanting to rebuild, they could read the book "how to help my spouse heal from my affair" by Linda MacDonald this was my H's aha moment.

HowCanThisBe 04/28/2015

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

You own none of the shame in this, none of this had anything to do with you, at all.

If a CS shows no intent of changing his/her character, you will end up repeating the cycle over and over and over again.

You can have a wonderful life going forward. Everyone should have their own life, even if they are in a committed, wonderful relationship. Not being able to live without someone else is co-dependent, giving up yourself for someone else is extremely co-dependent and unhealthy. The only way to have a healthy relationship is to be a healthy you, first and foremost.

Find a good counselor and find yourself. Become a strong you, and let your CS do the same, on his own. No one can manage anyone else's life.

This road is hard, no matter what your choice is, to leave or stay, but without complete commitment from the CS to change ON THEIR OWN, without your involvement, AT ALL, staying becomes extremely hard and will be a sentence of constant spying, constant worry and not what anyone would call a life.

A counselor will help you in the explanation process, and will show you how none of this has anything to do with you.

brokenandfraid 05/12/2015

Thank you all very much for your encouraging words and advice. Tusie2 said it, we are all suffering. I haven't been on the site for a few weeks but I can tell you I don't feel any different than my original post. I am very indecisive which is really not the kind of person I am. I will have to make a decision very soon because I am living in constant worrying, spying and resentment.

But to my husband's defense, he is making a huge effort to make things right but I am not "accepting" of any of it. I don't know if he playing me or sincere about making things work. I guess this is why I haven't made a decision yet. ERRRR
Thanks everyone...

mosue 05/12/2015

I'm struggling to make a decision as well...I understand how you feel, I'm usually not this indecisive. It is so hard to love someone but know that you're probably better off without them. To wonder if you fought for it, would it maybe work out ok? I can also relate to the embarrassment of being fooled--or being made a fool, but everyone is right, we are not the ones who should be ashamed. Good luck on your journey. I hope you find some peace, either way.

refurb 05/12/2015

if he was my brother, i'd beg him to divorce you, then move far away from his kids, shed his demons otherwise stay away from those kids

if you were my sister, ? a non-bad wouldn't have given you two stds,
get your kids far away from that sicko

i'm sorry that whatever he is now, he is now

MrCellophane 05/14/2015

This is a common theme/question on this site: How to tell children. Generally there are two schools of thought: (i) You don't NEED to explain ANYTHING to your children (much less to ANYBODY else). Say "We wanted different things in life, so it just didn't work out." Or (ii) Don't bullshit your kids. Tell them some degree of the brutal truth.

Personally, I subscribe to the first school of thought.

I often read posts on here with some variation of "I don't know who my spouse is anymore" or "He changed." And I am reminded of my father's second wife. Frankly I didn't like her from the minute I met her. But they were married 24 years. Then he found out she was all over adult-friend-finder.com and Ashley Madison. He said to me "She changed." And I said "NO! No she did NOT change. She was a rotten human being the entire 24 years, but you just didn't see it!" The light went on and he said, "Holy shit. You're right."

And Broken, I think that's kinda what you need to determine. Is your husband a genuine human being with quirky fetishes, who took a bunch of wrong turns - and now he wants to make things right? Or is he a sociopath wolf in sheep's clothing?

brokenandfraid 05/14/2015

MrCellophane,

My posting was a few weeks ago. At this point, my girls who are young adults now know what he has done without the ugly details. They are struggling with his action and are being slight disrespectful. Mind you the girls are not is biological daughter but he has raised them from the very beginning. He has hurt their Mom! But this is not how we raised our girls but it is a double-edge sword because I ensure they are to have respect for everyone but the lack of respect of his wrongdoing is conflicting. They say, why should we respect him if he can't even respect himself or wife (my Mom). Funny, because this conversation came up with my girls yesterday. They love him but they are disappointed. Even further, they can not understand why I stay after what he has done... And this is a man they love very much. It does make me think about how they look at me... It's difficult.

But I will have to say, he has made some changes to better our relationship however the trauma it has inflicted on me is extremely hard to deal with.

All I hope is the person I married had made some very bad decision and realize his marriage is worth saving. However, I do have a psychology degree and continue my research on his behavior to understand the dynamic of his characteristics and behaviors. I don't want to categorize him as a sociopath but narcissism has ran through my mind. However I am not allowed to make a full diagnosis because I'm not a doctor. I have my opinions but I am very cautious of how I perceive him because their could be comorbities or frankly he just made very bad choices. To be honest, he should be seeing a therapist.

Thank you so much for your input and advice. You all have given great insight and support. HUGS TO ALL!

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