huh?
why are you focusing on her? She chose to have an AP.

Why are you not focusing on yourself? healing yourself? Dealing with your pain and tending to your needs?
You did not cheat, your did not seek validation through someone else.
Yeah you might have been an arse, working too much, drinking too much, gambling too much, or just no living up to your side of being a husband, but none of that means she gets to step out on the marriage. None of what she did is about you.

You are your own best friend, you are a child of God.
Love yourself as you deserve. If you think you are a great guy, then be a great guy to yourself. Treat yourself the way you treat others, if you treat them good, if not then change.

Focus on your health, your career, your service work, your emotional mental state, Allow yourself the kindness of feeling pain for yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal. Start a daily journal, Continue to read the bible daily. In your journal write down the things you did good and wrong for the day.

What would you have told your best friend to do if this would have happened to them, "if my wife ever cheated I would leave her" ?? sound right? Well you didn't why? Is she your best friend? Do you trust her? Do you trust yourself? Do you listen to her? Do you listen to yourself? She cant move on until you move on, which means taking time out and growing to love yourself and acknowledging your own pain and hurt.

We live with pain and hurt everyday, if we dont stop and love our selves, and allow that pain some attention, it gets worse. Allow yourself to grace to work out the pain of this hurt.
Then work on being the best version of yourself that you can be.

I pray you are safe and healthy.

I just thought that since we are in this together, I hope she would respect the pain that I’m in and going through. shouldn’t I be doing the same for her? Don’t the unfaithful have pain?
I agree I need to work on myself I’m going to start a journal like you mentioned of both positive and negative actions of the day. My current journal is of only negative thoughts and triggers. Maybe the positive journaling will help see all that is good instead of bad.

Did you and your spouse ever seek marriage counseling and individual counseling in order to move on from the infidelity? Breaches of trust such as this require more than a "forgive and forget" remedy. If you really want to move forward and grow past the affair for the betterment of your relationship, I suggest continued counseling and therapy.

My CS feels regret. He hurt because I was hurting. He had anxiety about the pain he caused me.
I never tried to understand his pain. We went to a great MC. She was amazing! At first he was reluctant. He made the appointment to go. I told him if he wanted our marriage to work he needed to do the work and put 100% effort into it. Afterwards he was thankful we went.

We have done individual therapy and couples therapy as well. I’m having a difficult time with looking past her actions during and after the affair. It’s just so hard to say oh it’s okay you didn’t mean to hurt me. All is forgiven.

Focus on forgiving yourself for not taking care of yourself and your needs when you were cheated on, and then decide if you want to stay with this person. Don't be so concerned about forgiving her or deciding if she meant to hurt you or not. That is irrelevant. And go back to counseling by yourself, and stick with it, as many sessions as you can. Best wishes. I understand. I have been through this pain.

Thank you, Memphis. Your post spoke right to my heart and mind. It's what I needed to hear right now as I continue on my journey of healing. This time of isolation has afforded me a golden opportunity to think about, do a deep dive into my psyche, and find a better path forward as I remake myself and learn to love, respect, and care for myself. Blessings to you!

I still attend monthly counseling sessions individually. We are working on trying to get more sessions with a marriage counselor as well. We were going together but ran out of sessions that were approved through insurance. Hopefully after the marriage counseling starts back up we will see some progress. I feel she has come to terms with what she did and is kind of annoyed that I am still mad about what happened. It can put another aspect of pain into everything.