O.k so not sure how this works and or if I am doing it right. I will try to make this story short. I have been with this man since 2000 and married since 2010. I work full time, own my home and have a 5yr daughter. A few weeks before xmas I found out he has been cheating on me for 4.5yrs. Words cannot express the true anger, disbelief, sadness and everyother word to describe how I feel and the holidays didn't make it any easier as I had to pretend to all my friends and family that we were fine. I have no one to talk to other then my husband but its' hard because as I express my feelings his feelings get hurt because he is remoresful. Why do I care I say to myself????? I chose to forgive as long as there were no more conact with bher or his friends who knew and allowed him to disrestpect not only my marriage with him but what I thought was my friendship with these people. My forgiveness came easy as I still love him, we have daughter and I feel that if we communicate we get passed this, but forgiveness does not allow me to forget what i know (details) about their relationship. He claims for alm,ost a year he has wanted to break it off with her and made every excuse to get into fights with her just so he didn't have to see her because he realized how wrong he has been, at least so he says. His lack of that working was du to fights and "her" saying she would ruin his life because she knew he was hiding something and his worriy of "her" finsding me and telling me scared him to stay. I will not say that 100% this is his fault but I can say that it is 95%. My 5% is that I didn't give him what he needed, attention, affection etc..... To my defense I work full time, I am my own maid in my house, I soley took care of our daughter 24/7 so it left me lacking as a wife and i take full responibilty for that I do. However I feel that if he had just been honest and communicated to me on what he needed and wanted we could have worked on it, I am not an easy person to talk to as he would argue but as man that he claims to be, he should have stepped up and acted like the man he says he is or claims to be and tell me straight up. As I said I have no one to talk to, I am literaly suffering in silence, I talk to him sometimes but he can't handle how he has hurt me he says. I cant' tell my mom, she'll hate him, as will my friends. He is also like me and has no one to talk to except me and communication has been better but he now has aniexty of what he has done to me and "her" I feel unloved, ugly, worthless, unimportant, angry, sad, paranoid. I used to think because I am latina and how I grew up that I could handle almost anything, but this has literaly broken the person I am, I am broken and I don't know how to get passed all the pain and hurt. He gave away all my kisses, all my hugs, all my long walks,all my love, all that was suppose to be only for me. I need help and no I can't afford thereapy nor do i have the time to spare. I tried writing my thoughts but I just get angrey and agin no time to write as I barley have time to myself. I don't know what to do, found this sight in hopes that adivce and releasing some frustration will help. i have read many and I feel some of the same things. It just hurts. I come from a broken home, he doesn't, he comes from a great loving both parent home. Never in my worst dreams or thoughts did I think he could be cable of hurting me this way and so deeply. How do I get passed it, how do I even begin to trust him how???? It takes what little strength i have left to not cry every minute of every day, as I type I cry. Another hard part is not showing my daughter my pain, she has caught me a few times and i lie and say i hurt myself. Please I desperalty need advice. Sorry i meant for this to be short, and there is still so much ot tell but that's the jist of it. I dont know what else to do or try???