I wouldn't so much characterize it as an ultimatum as much as this is what I need to continue this relationship. Yes, technically it is an ultimatum, but there is a difference in connotation, I think. An ultimatum sounds like an arbitrary line in the sand that you picked out of the air (at least to me). Whereas what you are talking about is I want this to work, but without this, it simply will not. Like your car's oil light isn't giving you an ultimatum when it lights up, but a warning.

And yes, you need to communicate that warning to him, and that whether he avoids that divorce destination or not depends on his ACTIONS, not his words.

To that end, follow the link below. Read the three healing steps for the BS articles, and the one on the healing steps for the CS to get a good idea of what types of needs to communicate to him that he needs to do.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/

Hope you can find a way forward, but know if it doesn't work, it isn't because you haven't tried. He cheated and failed to rebuild trust and security. A marriage cannot remain healthy without those. He broke it, he's the only one that fix it. And you can't force him to do it, he has to decide to do it himself. Anything else won't work.

Have either of you been to counseling? This isn't a DIY project.

I like what Cole said.

Hmmmmm - you found him once again, you are at an all time low, there is not trust and you are tired of the deceit. Sounds like this has been going on for the longest and it's eating you up. Yet you are afraid to give ultimatums and the last thing you want is for your marriage to end because you didn't get married to end in divorce - I like what Cole said but being too technical and relying on therapy doesn't always save someone - doesn't remove them from the hell they are in.

I get the impression that because you have overlooked this and you are afraid to stand up for yourself and walk away from the madness, he keeps doing it because he knows your stand - you are not going anywhere and you will put up with it. People can read into all this.

So to me, I would go to counseling but to deal with your outlook on what you are tolerating and why you feel you are forced to stay in a situation that's detrimental to you - sounds like you need help sorting through yourself - what do you want for your life, future, etc.

We can't want a person and a marriage to the point where we aren't living - to the point where we are on edge going throug someone's phone, etc. That's no way to live - Sure, it sux to get a divorce and become a single mom but staying isn't always the best either especially if you are depressed and struggling. It affects everything about you including the type of mother that you are for your children.

I think it's time for you to sit w/a therapist and sort out what you should change about your life/outlook.

Good luck

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

MIlliejay tells it well.

Yes, you do need to put guidelines into place, but more important he has to agree to them and want to do it. If he feels like he's being scolded and doesn't think anything of it, he'll do it again. If he feels like he's entitled to a private life of talking to other females, then an ultimatum is necessary.

It goes something like this,

"If this happens again, I'm not sure how I'll react, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive you, and it may end our marriage." Then ask him, "How do you feel about this?"

His answer will be telltale and if he can't agree with your ultimatum, or doesn't understand the importance of stopping his nonsense, then you know what your choices are.

If he agrees with you, then it's an opportunity to find out why he's doing this, because without that, he won't be able to fix the problem. Many cheating spouses don't know why they've done what they've done. They may fog out the reasons why, or they may be emotionally incapable of figuring it out, or simply don't want to go there because it causes them discomfort.

I wish you strength and resolve.

Your original post suggests that he is not having a physical affair with other women. Is that correct? If so, then he probably doesn't understand WHY you get upset. From his perspective, if he isn't being physical with these other women, then he isn't doing anything wrong. He self-justifies the secrecy and deleting the messages by thinking "She's going to get bent out of shape over nothing. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, and I'm not doing anything wrong, anyway. I am NOT cheating. Better I just hide it and not deal with the aggravation."

Men tend to not really appreciate the concept of "emotional affairs."

Men and women deal with affairs in very, very different ways. Women tend to be more upset about the emotional attachments men make to other women (and less upset about the physical aspects); while men tend towards being VERY upset when a wife has a physical affair, and much less upset when a wife has an emotional affair.

So I think you need to communicate to your husband that, for you, his emotional interaction with other women is every bit as damaging to your relationship as would be YOU having a physical affair with another man.

"How about we do this: The next time I catch you texting with another woman and deleting the messages, I'm going to fu*k your best friend. Does that sound fair?" (Although I don't recommend that you ACTUALLY boink his best friend the next time you catch your husband. That sort of revenge sex would add a whole 'nother level of problems, and you don't need that).

All of what is said here is great advise. Just remember not to issue empty consequences. If you say you need x,y,z to make the marriage work and he doesn't do it then what? Whatever that then what is, make sure to follow through or they will mean nothing to him but empty threats. Why stop the behavior if there are no consequences?

Once I told my boyfriend that our relationship was over if he continued seeing the other woman, he let her go. After he let her go, I told him that if he was to continue any sort of contact with her to please just let me go. Also (and this is important) I made the stipulation that complete transparency MUST happen. Such as, if she contacts him again, he MUST tell me. Well, she did contact him a while after DDay and he has been truthful to me about that, letting me read her e-mails.

I know this might sound harsh, but either your husband wants to rebuild trust with you or he doesn't. He needs to decide.

While men may, possibly, get less offended by an EA vs a PA, I think the very act of hiding, sneaking, lying, and doing something that you can't do openly in front of your spouse, should be addressed.

If you've never set boundries or tried mc before, then that's your first step. I understand you dont want to throw in the towel and get divorced. He is clearly not understanding or respecting you or your marriage.

If you put in the necessary efforts and he continues to act like a this knowing the it's destroying you then maybe you should show him the door. Divorce is not failure especially if you've tried to make it work.

Per a private message I received, I would like to clarify that when I said "While men may be possibly less offended by an EA vs a PA" the lying and hiding that goes into an EA is still an issue that needs to be addressed, was not intended, IN ANY WAY, to lump ALL men into one, big batter of crap. I was addressing a specific point made by someone else.

If it was taken offensively, I cannot control that, but the intention behind my words was not meant to offend.

@justme: I don't know anything about the private message, but I certainly took no offense. I completely agree with your first comment and observation. If a husband is lying and doing something behind his wife's back, that's a significant problem.

I just meant that men tend to not understand the concept of emotional affairs. So they tend to not really appreciate why their wife would get so angry about text messages (etc.) to other women. Instead, they think "WHAT is her problem!?" And then men self justify being deceitful as simply being a harmless conflict avoidance technique.

But in fact, that incures even greater damage.

Thank you, Mr.Cellophane ;)

You have gotten some good advice here but I'm going to take it a step further. If you want a true ultimatum, make it a legally binding one. Contact a lawyer and write up a post nup with an infidelity clause that will set you up financially when he does this again (and he will). Nothing says mind your Ps and Qs like financial ruin and being forced by the courts to pay child support and alimony to the ex spouse you ran around. Face it, he hasn't had to face any real consequences for his actions so far. If he says he won't sign tell him to pack his stuff and hit the bricks and follow through. You can't love someone out of an affair of love them into behaving. It's going to take tough love and consequences to make him act like he's supposed to....and thats pretty pathetic on his part. Good luck, You're going to need it