Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
And so that was my name on DS. I joined in July of 2010 and left in Sept of 2011. For those months this board was my lifeline.
Today I want to give back a little, especially for anyone here just starting the rebuilding process.
Im not going to drudge through the affair story indepth again. He cheated with a coworker when our youngest was just 5 weeks old. I caught him within the first month. I filed for divorce, he begged for a second chance, we had a 8 week old and an 18 month old.I decided to give it a chance. If you knew me in person prior to this you would have thought I would be the last person on earth to stay.
Its been 2.5 years. I wont blow smoke up anyones a** and say we have a better marriage. We dont have a less than marriage either. We have a completely different marriage. Which makes sense because we are not the same people. So anyone who starts with the idea people cant change, I will argue yes they can because I am certainly not the same person I was prior to this. In some ways I have become more conservative in my views. In other ways I have become more liberal.
My H is and was the gold star standard for the remorseful CS. He did it all right. To this day I can access anything I want, pick up his phone at any given moment, email whatever. But more than that he stuck it out through my rage and anger which lasted for quite some time.
If you are going to rebuild, settle for nothing less than this. If your CS is not willing to stand against the storm of their making then move on. Sure there might be hiccups along the way. But know where your line is and hold to it.
The other thing that was hard for me was the whole love thing. So much energy is putting into getting the love back. I see it all the time on boards like these. For me it came down to this:
Screw love. This is about respect. Get the respect back. Build the marriage based on respect. Love will follow or return or get unstuck or whatever you want to call it after that point.
That was just me however. I know others will take issue with that idea. Thats fine. Do what works for you.
So here I am two and a half years later. I can say I am happy. Our kids are thriving. We have a game plan for the next 5, 10 and 15 years that we are both on board with. When my H finally realized the world doesnt revolve around him and started acting with something other than selfish intentions he found new avenues began to open up for him. There are still some triggers but not often and usually they pass pretty quickly. There are still moments when my pride hurts a little. Pride was a huge issue for me and still rears its ugly face once in a while.
This whole thing was of his making. I still own no part of it and frankly never will. He knows that. But I made the decision to stay and with that came certain responsibilities for me. I didnt stay to be judge and warden. It took a while to get over the self righteous thing I had going on. In staying I agreed to move forward. Its hard. It is so easy to get stuck somewhere in the process and just stay there. And it is a process. There is much work ahead still.
I will never trust blindly. I will never be that person who thinks oh, not my husband. For a while I was sad about that. Not so much anymore. If it happens again I have my contingency plan ready to go. I think we should all have a contingency plan. Its like life insurance for unexpected life instead of death.
Life is still kind of a state of chaos but now its because of preschools and crazy jobs and crazier family members and through all this I made the leap into starting a personal side business. With his help I might add. Its controlled chaos if there is such a thing.
Regardless of what path you take, focus on how you are going to grow as a person through this and I swear it will get better.
Today I want to give back a little, especially for anyone here just starting the rebuilding process.
Im not going to drudge through the affair story indepth again. He cheated with a coworker when our youngest was just 5 weeks old. I caught him within the first month. I filed for divorce, he begged for a second chance, we had a 8 week old and an 18 month old.I decided to give it a chance. If you knew me in person prior to this you would have thought I would be the last person on earth to stay.
Its been 2.5 years. I wont blow smoke up anyones a** and say we have a better marriage. We dont have a less than marriage either. We have a completely different marriage. Which makes sense because we are not the same people. So anyone who starts with the idea people cant change, I will argue yes they can because I am certainly not the same person I was prior to this. In some ways I have become more conservative in my views. In other ways I have become more liberal.
My H is and was the gold star standard for the remorseful CS. He did it all right. To this day I can access anything I want, pick up his phone at any given moment, email whatever. But more than that he stuck it out through my rage and anger which lasted for quite some time.
If you are going to rebuild, settle for nothing less than this. If your CS is not willing to stand against the storm of their making then move on. Sure there might be hiccups along the way. But know where your line is and hold to it.
The other thing that was hard for me was the whole love thing. So much energy is putting into getting the love back. I see it all the time on boards like these. For me it came down to this:
Screw love. This is about respect. Get the respect back. Build the marriage based on respect. Love will follow or return or get unstuck or whatever you want to call it after that point.
That was just me however. I know others will take issue with that idea. Thats fine. Do what works for you.
So here I am two and a half years later. I can say I am happy. Our kids are thriving. We have a game plan for the next 5, 10 and 15 years that we are both on board with. When my H finally realized the world doesnt revolve around him and started acting with something other than selfish intentions he found new avenues began to open up for him. There are still some triggers but not often and usually they pass pretty quickly. There are still moments when my pride hurts a little. Pride was a huge issue for me and still rears its ugly face once in a while.
This whole thing was of his making. I still own no part of it and frankly never will. He knows that. But I made the decision to stay and with that came certain responsibilities for me. I didnt stay to be judge and warden. It took a while to get over the self righteous thing I had going on. In staying I agreed to move forward. Its hard. It is so easy to get stuck somewhere in the process and just stay there. And it is a process. There is much work ahead still.
I will never trust blindly. I will never be that person who thinks oh, not my husband. For a while I was sad about that. Not so much anymore. If it happens again I have my contingency plan ready to go. I think we should all have a contingency plan. Its like life insurance for unexpected life instead of death.
Life is still kind of a state of chaos but now its because of preschools and crazy jobs and crazier family members and through all this I made the leap into starting a personal side business. With his help I might add. Its controlled chaos if there is such a thing.
Regardless of what path you take, focus on how you are going to grow as a person through this and I swear it will get better.
Wow such a powerful post a woman to whom has the bull by the balls.
I loved it,
No hugs going your way you might knock me out.
What I will take out of this, based on my experience and whether I continue single or find myself in a new relationship is: Settle for nothing less than full and true remorse, if there is infidelity. Build the marriage based on respect. Understand that I (the BS) own no part of the affair. Never trust blindly (I was fully guilty of this). Have a contingency plan for life - end don't put your entire life's happiness in the hands of another.
I don't want to minimize your success, but perhaps a part of your ability to recover was due to the short time frame of the affair, as well as other factors.
Imagine months or years continued lies, meet ups, dinners, trips, etc. Often, a second life is created. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries become marred with horrible memories.
Imagine if affair partner became pregnant (or impregnated). Imagine if it were a good friend.....or worse....a RELATIVE.
What about STD's...including herpes and AIDS.
I have see all of this on this forum......from affairs with relatives to pregancies to STD's.
One member here dealt with a BS that killed himself and then burned the house down (which also killed the pets). She is my hero......GOD what a strong woman.
Very happy for you!
you are right. My story is relatively simple compared to others. But I wanted to share regardless.
What is your contingency plan?
What is your 5, 10 & 15 year plan?
Could you please share?
Anyway... YES. YESYES. This. This is exactly it. :) Thank you for sharing your progress and wisdom with us. I wish I'd seen this a year and a half ago when I first joined.
Or simple empowerment.
Such as this fine lady has.
Not respect power.
Seriously. It goes a long way when rebuilding. And it absolutely has to be mutual.
This may not be the key for everyone, I fully acknowledge that, but it really did go far for my husband and I in our recovery. It wasn't about "romance" or "sex" or even "love" - it started with respect and completely shifting our perspectives.
Not that we don't enjoy the other three. :) We do. But all that came a lot easier and more naturally after we were able to level the playing fields and just face each other as equals and offer respect to each other.
It had nothing to do with a power exchange.
Generally post D day the BS must exert power over the CS, remember transparency and restrictions for a set time.
As this wanes the control will forever be present.
Do you let him have manly nights out with the boys. If not fully acceptable and is empowerment.
It came as a total shock as he was a shy, good, loving. We had a pretty good marriage, sex once a week, ets. I never suspected his hidden cell phone, bill, trips, etc as I blindly trusted him. Totally different person, and as you say, we also are now different people. I'm staying because I love him, even though all I wanted at first was a divorce, he has done everything he can to show me he will not do this again, lie detector, attempted suicide, brings home every bill, going to a psychiatrist, counseling, he has taken all my screaming and name calling and still told me he loved me.
So I'm trying, but you are right to have a contingency plan and he knows it. I will not tolerate even a lunch or a phone call. He knows I will be out. He just accepted a 4 years job assignment in Singapore and we will be moving in one month. I think this will help with my pride to have a new place to start, as most of my friends and family know about it. But it's still hard, the worries, as he would be the type to pick up a women on the street and go after them himself on the internet. So I will always be on guard, even if he says he is not the same. True commitment from them is what we have to demand, if not it's not worth it. It's hard to leave if you still have love, so it's best to give it a try if they are willing to commit. It may be harder to leave and never know if it may have worked or you go through the suffering of being without the person you love. We have to go on, and not allow them or their women/men to interfere with our happiness, it's in ourselves to be happy with the present.
When you move to the far east, infidelity is raised to a warning/dangerlous level as STD's is rampant there.
Please bind the relationship up before going, you do not want any surprises.
Hug to you.