Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I haven't posted in awhile... we have been trying to work out my husband's transgressions. He has expressed deep sorrow, apologized , promised to work to be better than we were before. He has not had a drink since D-day. We spent more time together. No drinking = no bars We talk more . He still doesn't know how he allowed himself to go down the path that he did. He always tells me that I am the love of his life, there was never a moment those feelings faltered. Work was getting insane.. we have had a very heavy workload and the stress took over. I am grateful that his was not an emotional cheat, but he cheated non the less and it still hurts like hell. It has been 6 months and I am taking things slowly . Will I feel about him the way I used to ? He was my whole world. While I hated the drinking and being out daily ( after work, never late nights ) I never once dreamed he had anything else going on. How could you ? Why ? Are still big questions . Being intimate is not easy . How do you not think of what was going on ? While that was off the table for some time, I felt lost and confused. I needed to be held. Can anyone share input on how they have managed these times please. Will I ever feel like me again ?
If I remember you correctly, he has multiple sexual encounters with multiple women. Your feelings are normal about all of this. I remember you two were in counseling and you were told to wear sexy lingerie, and that felt very invalidating to you. I tend to agree that is invalidating. So you have had these experiences within a long marriage and it may never feel "good" as a marriage again. It will take much work on his part and on yours to change the dynamics of this relationship.
Your comment that he still doesn't know how he came to be doing that awful stuff is a clear sign he isn't being vulnerable nor doing his own emotional work. It is possible he is still lying to you, covering up, refusing to change. It is possible he is not capable of doing the work to actually change. Maybe he needs to be in intensive therapy if he is actually willing to change.
To me, it feels like you are doing all the heavy lifting yourself and wondering when does it feel good to you? And feeling like a good wife automatically forgives and forgets. That is a myth that may only deepen your own sense of alienation or depression or confusion.
Not your fault that he has an alcohol and sexual addiction problem. This is too short of time for everything to be resolved. My guess would be things are just now bubbling up within you that you were able to tamp down before. Al Anon suggests the first year is the hardest and that relapse is part of recovery.
My experience is no, we don't ever go backwards to feel the way we used to because change is inevitable and necessary in life. How can a. normal, rational, logical human being trust a man again like your husband? What part of denying your own feelings would it take to go backwards and pretend everything is hunky dory in the marriage and with him as a spouse?
For women, sexual enjoyment is often based on trust and security. Perhaps that has been blown out of the water for you. You are not wrong to need trust and security to relax and enjoy yourself. This part is very normal and it is okay for you to feel how you feel. We may continue to worry or have anxiety that he will not change and that one drink will send him back to his old cheater, drinking ways. Perfectly normal to worry like that.
People sometimes do strengthen the marriage together. Marriage is a dance, and it takes two people both doing the heavy lifting together. A cheater who still doesn't know why or how he came to be doing what he was doing is a person not willing to do the heavy lifting. Do not lie to yourself about this issue. It isn't fixable unless he does his part in the heavy lifting.
I managed the time before my divorce from a cheater and alcoholic by getting myself to Al Anon and seeing my part in the dysfunction. I emerged stronger and wiser and happier. So I didn't stay in the marriage, but I know some partners work together mutually to fix the marriage and make it better. And some people stay in a miserable marriage without either party changing. You can chose to stay, just drop the guilt and shame about his behaviors and personality difficulties. Learn what is yours to own and what is not. Individual counseling can strengthen your self esteem and sense of worth.
I am in a better second marriage now and I will say that I am still working on my own codependence. Life is a journey and we either do our work or stay in the unhappy. My focus is on your healing as he is in charge of his healing and change, if he wants to that is. But you are the one in real emotional crisis here and the one who has been scapegoated it sounds like.